New, lost and confused. Possible alcoholic?

Old 08-11-2020, 07:16 AM
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New, lost and confused. Possible alcoholic?

Ok so here goes my first post. I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. We moved in together a year ago and have three children between us (1 living with us and 1 about to move in - both mine. Other is his living with mum). Alcohol has always been a huge part of his life. He spent 9 years in the army (not involved with him during his service), have heard the stories, and his family are big drinkers. Alcohol for me has always been social or occasional and I’ve never struggled with it (except for 2 years ago when I recognised I was using it as a stress reliever due to sever bullying in the work place) but I quickly nipped that in the bud! My drinking has definitely increased during our relationship but not to a point where I am concerned for myself. I will have a glass or two of wine with dinner a few time’s a week, other days I don’t touch it. If I have the day off work I will sit in the garden with a glass during the afternoon but always stop at my limit, I am by no means perfect and I do suffer the very rare hangover, maybe once or twice a year. I have a horrible fear of hangovers and they are just not worth it anymore. That is the extent of it for me. My partner showed erratic behaviour early on into the relationship, would cancel our plans last minute to be with his friends instead, lie to me about his whereabouts (nothing dodgy so please no nasty comments). He would tell me he was at work but actually down the pub! Of course all this behaviour in the beginning appeared to be cheating, but it wasn’t. I have suffered trust issues since this but have worked with him over the years to regain that which was successful. He was aware something was wrong in his life but couldn’t figure it out. With it being early into our relationship I didn’t know him well enough to realise it was anxiety and depression. It took him lying to me to go out on massive benders to realise what the issue was, which is where he then went to get diagnosed with it officially. He began medication and still takes it to this day and began therapy. He has come on an incredible journey and in general anxiety and depression is at bay. He is the sweetest person and we have a very happy and wonderful life together. He loves me so much, and likewise. But he still drinks. He drinks to excess and doesn’t know when to stop. I want to be clear that he has NEVER been abusive, physically or mentally. He is in fact the complete opposite when drinking, he is even more loving and caring! Which is why this confuses me! He has a tendency to become a little argumentative or take things the wrong way when he’s had a drink. It’s never big things but perhaps a comment that’s perceived in the way it wasn’t intended. If this is the case I have always apologised for coming across wrong and I correct myself with my original intention. Of course when he’s been drinking he won’t have any of it or accept my apology. When this happens I step back and keep myself to myself until the next day and we talk and make up when everything is making a bit more sense. His drinking has landed him in some trouble which has resulted in punch ups and loss of friends because of this. Not that he is always at fault, he has had some questionable friends and has said he’s a lot happier without them. He feels strong loyal ties to these people because he met them in the army and sees them more as brothers, but with a little more understanding he realises that they were not good for him. Anyway, when these situations have occurred he would call me on the phone in tears telling me he can’t do this anymore and doesn’t want to be here which as I’m sure you can understand has been so distressing especially when these incidents have happened far from home. Earlier this year the drinking was getting out of control again, he would go out and not come home until 4am! One night he was robbed because he thinks everyone he meets out is his friend! He lost a lot of money, all of his cards which had massive withdrawals on it! A lot of the time he’d come home with the person he went out with (not the ones he met) and fall asleep on the sofa with the kids having to come down to see their step dad/dad and his mate passed out drunk on our sofa, snoring, making very loud, uncomfortable noises in their sleep! I have had to shimmy the children through one at a time to have their breakfast on the floor in the kitchen (small house, they usually eat at the coffee table in the living room) and then send them back upstairs again! Giving them excuses ‘oh haha your dad must have fallen asleep on the sofa again’!! One night he passed out on the floor in the kitchen and it’s just become a nightmare! He has been quite disrespectful of me, going out with his male friend, meeting girls on nights out and acting single. He denies this of course but I hear their conversations when they get back of ‘how fit were those girls we were with’ 🙄

Anyway, all that stopped, probably largely due to lock down. In February I encouraged a complete detox of alcohol and we threw out all our drink and everything was amazing, he promised me a sober 2020 and things were going to get back on track. And then lockdown happened. And it has just got progressively worse. I suggest we start running and stop drinking, and we did, we ran for a couple of weeks until I injured myself (unrelated) and he went to the pub for leaving drinks and the drinking has continued. He doesn’t drink every day (I know this is a common trait even for alcoholics) as he works shifts and work has a strict no drugs or alcohol policy. He did try to go to work one night (he had booked it off but then we fell out) and I had to stop him as he clearly wasn’t ok to drive or work, luckily I managed to stop him! He has missed a few shifts he was due to work as he was having too much fun sitting in the sunshine with a drink. He was supposed to work the other night but he had a few drinks in the afternoon (said he’d be fine after a sleep) we had a small fall out and he said he couldn’t sleep so went to the pub instead, which is where he stayed for the next 5 hours. Missed work. It’s safe to say I’ve really had enough, But the thing that is bothering me recently is that he gets himself so drunk, he sleep walks when he needs a wee and 5 times out of 5 (the actual total I have counted in the 3 years) he never makes it to the toilet! This has happened twice at a hotel (once by himself, second time I stupidly cleaned up after him) once at his old place and twice in OUR home. The second time he was so drunk he didn’t even manage to sleep walk to the airing cupboard, he did it on the sofa in his sleep. I’m embarrassed for him, but we have a home with 3 children. We are in our 30’s and I cannot accept the fact that this is normal!? How has life come to be accepting ridiculous behaviour such as this? I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just venting. I’m lost and confused. I have read a few posts here and understand alcoholism is a progressive disease, now what terrifies me is if it’s like this now, what will it be like in the future?

Everything is perfect when he’s not drinking or has only had a few, we love our life and we make each other so happy. We know how to communicate like adults when we don’t see eye to eye, we are loving and supportive always. I can not fault his intentions and morals. We have had discussions around his relationship with alcohol but no ones ever said alcoholic. What do I do? 😞 thanks for reading if you made it this far, I hope I’ve made sense
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Old 08-11-2020, 10:47 AM
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Hi Jules and welcome, sorry for what brings you here but glad you found SR.

Well, let's get it out in the open then? Your Husband is an alcoholic. Really a label doesn't change anything does it. The behaviour is the same, the resulting damage to your relationship and your mental well being and that of the children remains the same.

I think sometimes when pondering this (as you obviously are) some things can be overlooked. We tend, sometimes. to make excuses and try to separate the "drunk person" from the "normal person". Well really he is all those things, he is not one or the other. Until he seeks treatment, stops drinking and enters recovery, he is both.

In overlooking, you mention that he has, in the past said things like:

how fit were those girls we were with
and that he lies about his drinking and stays out drinking for hours.

Then you say:

"I want to be clear that he has NEVER been abusive, physically or mentally" and "I can not fault his intentions and morals".

See the discrepancy there? I'm not pointing this out to lay blame anywhere, just to be clear, just wanted to point out that this is a contradiction in how he is acting and how you are perceiving it perhaps.

Then there are the children. I don't know their ages but it does have a huge affect on children to have an alcoholic parent and those affects are long lasting and will follow them in to adulthood.

It might be a good idea to take some time away for yourself to get a real handle on what is really going on. Sometimes when you are right in the middle of the storm it's hard to look at it all with a clear eye. Is there any possibility you could go and stay with family for a week or two?

The 3 c's - You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

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Old 08-11-2020, 11:07 AM
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"I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just venting. I’m lost and confused."

Maybe both?

Journaling can be really helpful if you haven't tried that.

The only person you can control is yourself. That's a lot of power.
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Old 08-12-2020, 05:21 AM
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He misses work because of drinking. He urinates in random places. He gets argumentative. He's been in fights. You have to cover for him because he passes out in the house. He tried to drive while drunk. He was robbed. He's 'acting single' with his buddies and commenting about how fit the girls were.

The challenge is, HE doesn't see it as a problem. YOU have a problem with it. As someone whose dad was a functional alcoholic, I can say that Mom putting up with this allowed me to view my boyfriend/fiance/husband's drinking as normal. Is that what you want for your children?
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Old 08-12-2020, 06:33 AM
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HI Jules89,
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but know that you can vent or ask question here. There are a lot of knowledgeable people that want to help. I know you are confused by your husbands alcohol usage. You say he is loving and caring, but still he drinks. Has he sought our AA or some other group for help. It sounds like from what you have wrote that he knows he has a problem and is willing to try giving it up (getting rid of it and starting running). But he needs to admit to himself that he is an alcoholic. That he needs to seek help. He wont be able to do this by himself. He does not have the will power and nothing you can say or do will change him. I'm sure you have had lots of talks about the drinking, but still he goes out and drinks, gets so drunk that is robbed, acts single to hit on girls. Brings home drinking buddies. This is not a loving husband who wants to change. This is not love. This is someone that alcohol has control of. The longer he drinks the worse the lies and manipulation will get.

The longer you keep cleaning up after him and making excuses, things will not change. He has no reason too. You need to set up your boundaries of what you will and will not accept. Then you need to stick to them. If he truly wants to get better and be the loving and caring person you know when he doesn't drink. Then he will seek help.

Like Trailmix said remember the 3 c's - You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. Look after your children and yourself and keep everyone safe. You have made a big step in coming here and seeking knowledge of what you can do. Know you are not alone in this and we are here to help you. Keep being strong and I hope you have a good day.
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Old 08-12-2020, 07:59 AM
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[QUOTE
Everything is perfect when he’s not drinking or has only had a few, we love our life and we make each other so happy. We know how to communicate like adults when we don’t see eye to eye, we are loving and supportive always. I can not fault his intentions and morals. We have had discussions around his relationship with alcohol but no ones ever said alcoholic. What do I do? 😞 thanks for reading if you made it this far, I hope I’ve made sense[/QUOTE]

Hi Jules, I'm sorry for what brings you here but welcome! Lots of people here can relate to where you are and I have received great insight in this group. As has been pointed out on this forum many times, he is not two people, the way he behaves while drinking is part and parcel of the person he is during the day. You have not been with this man for that long so I think you are still at the point where you can ignore the evening interactions and just appreciate the person who is so nice during the day. How do you think you will feel after several more years of this? It doesn't sound like he wants to change and unless he really, really, wants to he won't. I really worry about kids in this situation, who knows what kind of people he is bringing into your home?! If I have learned anything here it is that this situation is not just going to magically get better. Good luck to you, I know how hard this is.

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Old 08-13-2020, 04:07 AM
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Jules,
I'm sorry if this is harsh, but you are making lots of excuses for him. You are weighing up the bad with the good, and on balance its ok for now, because he seems to love you, and when its good, its really good.
There is a thread about the intermittent chicken - intermittent reinforcement essentially. Im not sure how to find it but will try. It's very damagingwhen you are in that situation.
once, I was feeling pretty neglected and AH bought me a load of woodchips for me to finish a garden bed. I thought at the time...hmmm, he does really love me. That was messed up. A load of woodchips? That i had to shovel for hours? Really?
Talking about other women, urinating on yourself and falling asleep on the kitchen floor is really worrying. Would you tolerate that from a friend, aunt or brother?
Stay strong, and keep posting.
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Old 08-13-2020, 10:46 AM
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Jules------so many people who have an alcoholic in their lives, describe it as being on a roller coaster. When it is good it is good---but, when it is bad, it is bad.
The thing is, that those of us in that situation, don't get the good times for "free". We pay a steep price for those good times. That high price comes in the form of a continuous erosion of our health and mental state.
In a normal healthy relationship. of course, there will be a good share of the good times. In such a relationship, this is a normal and expected aspect of married life. There is no worry or dread about when the bad times are going to come. No waiting for the next shoe to drop. No background of silent anguish. Just a good feeling, and the knowledge that another good family time, around the corner.
Not so, living with a practicing alcoholic. I can become like living on crumbs, in between the periods of starvation. So much so, that we find ourselves in deep gratitude for any crumbs of good that come our way. These moments of good are what we start living for---so much so, that, each episode of good almost gives us a peak experience. We are so grateful that we elevate the alcoholic to a pedestal----a if they have given us something super special -----we excuse their bad treatment of us---we begin to rationalize why we don't expect good treatment all of the time. It becomes normalized for us to live through behaviors that others, who don't live with alcoholics, would find unacceptable.
It feels, to me, like a kind of Toll Bridge----"You want to cross the bridge to get to a good time on the other side? O,K.----but first you have to go through a bunch of bad times to get there!".

Living in such a way does take it's toll on us. And, as alcoholism is progressive---meaning that, over time, it gets worse and worse. The good times---the crumbs that we get----become more and more sparse..
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Old 08-15-2020, 11:53 PM
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Thank you all so much for your replies. I have been taking some time to process replies and you have all been so kind and helpful. I understand how I have been viewing him as 2 separate people and trying to view him as one has been particularly challenging, but it’s a great perspective.
trailmix, you asked if I had somewhere I could go for a while. Unfortunately not, but I have been debating the idea of an air bnb or something similar for a week. After last weekends antics I haven’t managed to talk to him about anything and fear resentment is building up. I woke at 3.30am this morning after having had a nightmare about my youngest. It was a really horrific dream in which my youngest died because of my partners alcoholism. I understand of course that it is just a dream, and that my children are not in any physical threat, but I am a strong believer in listening to what our subconscious state is trying to relay to our conscious state, even if it is in an abstract way (or more directly to the point as mine were). I cried and cried and then tried to go back to sleep, and after I did, my dream just picked up from where it left off. I’m exhausted. I’m annoyed. He promised me a booze free week and so far he has drank on 6 of the 7 days. I have noticed a new pattern merging (or perhaps it was always there). He was showing signs of stress the other day and hints how nice a beer would be right now. I didn’t acknowledge it directly. About an hour passes and he comes up to me and gives me a massive hug, and instinctively I knew what he was doing so I just said ‘no I don’t want anything from the shop, thank you’ he had been sitting there trying to make his mind up as to whether or not he was going to buy beer and I suppose a way of appeasing his guilty conscious was to be loving towards me if that makes sense? Anyway, as soon as I said what I did, he told me how much he loves me and said ‘you and me against the world’. Now usually he says that in terms of us being a team, not when he’s feeling guilty about something. Maybe he knows he has a problem? Days followed and he would go to the shop after work, making sure he’d pick something up for me too. One evening it was tonic, for my gin (didn’t ask for this) I said thank you and declined a gin when he asked if I wanted one. Another night it was chocolate (again didn’t ask for this). Then the other was ‘do you want anything from the shop?’ I said no thank you, which was followed with ‘are you sure? Any wine? Chocolate? Tonic?’ To which I said no thank you. Is he getting these bits for me so he feels less guilty? Either way, just feel low and exhausted this week. Highly emotional after my dream. I am studying for my diploma and I can’t even face that. A dog that just doesn’t behave herself (Ate ALL the flowers in the garden this week!!) and a teenage daughter who is bored out of her mind because we can’t leave the house (because dog howls the house down if she’s alone!)
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Old 08-16-2020, 04:48 AM
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Hi Jules,
I had a dream about my ex-husband before I married him--it was gruesome and I won't bore anyone with the details--but I should have listened to myself and not married him. We would have both been happier. He ultimately cheated on me and filed for divorce.

I'll never tell you what you should do, and I know what it's like when you've already made living arrangements to make changes at that point. But it sounds like a depressing way to live.

Oh, and the shop trips? Ask you about what you need? Yeah, that's because he is trying to fool you, and to a certain extent himself, about the real reason he is popping out all the time.

Please keep posting and reading! Wishing you clarity and peace!

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Old 08-16-2020, 01:05 PM
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Yes, he does buy/ask if you want those things at the shop to hopefully appease you for what he probably thinks is his "bad" behaviour.

You know, he MAY have acknowledged to himself that he has a drinking problem, some people do, some don't, but it is kind of beside the point, you are the one that has a problem with his drinking. The only question is, what are you going to do about it.

His promises are meaningless, as you now know. Your disappointment is something you can manage though, stop believing him and you won't be disappointed. I truly mean that. Your expectations of him are not realistic perhaps. He is an alcoholic, alcoholics drink, that's the bottom line.

Yes, he sits there on the sofa pondering the good/bad of going to get drinks, but as you have seen, the "good" idea, to him, will ALWAYS win out.

As long as you know that, your expectations will be correct.

I really like your idea of a Air BNB for a week or so. Really this is the best thing you can do for yourself and your children right now.
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Old 08-17-2020, 12:54 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
The only question is, what are you going to do about it.
I suppose this is my biggest question right now. I don’t even know. What can I do? Where do I start? I’m beginning to feel numb.

my expectations have been majorly lowered (by him, and through forcing myself) and it is utterly miserable.
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Old 08-17-2020, 09:09 AM
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Jules----I think that putting some distance between yourself and the situation will enable you to get a better perspective on the situation. Some space to think more clearly and evaluate the situation.
And, in addition to some away time, it is helpful to learn about the technique of distancing----emotional distancing. One can become so enmeshed with the alcoholic and their alcoholism that all else just gets lost. It can feel disorienting.
In addition, while away---read "Co-dependent No More", if you haven't already read it.
We have a wonderful library of articles, on this forum---contained in the stickies above the main threads---it is called "Classic Reading"----there are over 100 of them! All about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. Enough for you to read one every single day. I am giving you the following link to that section of the stickies. for your convenience. These were all written by those who have been in your same shoes.

I live in the States---so I am not very familiar with the kinds of face to face support that you have in your country for the family and loved ones of alcoholics. I know that there are some, though. It is essentjal that you get some of that kind of help for Yourself----right away. This is too difficult for you to walk alone.

Here is that link that I was talking about-------------

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Old 08-17-2020, 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Jules89 View Post
I suppose this is my biggest question right now. I don’t even know. What can I do? Where do I start? I’m beginning to feel numb.

my expectations have been majorly lowered (by him, and through forcing myself) and it is utterly miserable.
Yes, distancing/detaching and looking at the situation realistically are key. Having some time away helps clear the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). You are not really part of a team anymore are you? Shifting from that to looking at him as he really is, will help you (might hurt too, but it's kind of essential).

Through time away and observing him as a separate person, not your Husband or your best friend but as a person who lives in your house, you can critically decide if this is what is best for YOU. It's important that you look out for and protect yourself, you can no longer rely on him to have your best interests at heart.

I know this is all so difficult. You do have options. Nothing needs to be decided right this minute. You have been experiencing this for a long time. Baby steps (or heck, a giant leap if that is what you think will be most helpful). You always have the option of just staying and doing nothing, that is 100 percent in your power, just keeping in mind that you will need to distance yourself and have pretty much zero expectations if you want to maintain your happiness (and sanity).

All that said detaching does hurt and it's really just a coping mechanism to be used short-er term until you can see your way clearly. It's not really a long term solution for many.



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Old 08-17-2020, 12:08 PM
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You might find this short writing on detaching helpful:

"Detachment means we care, about ourselves and others. It frees us to make the best possible decisions. It enables us to set the boundaries we need to set with people. It allows us to have our feelings, to stop reacting and initiate a positive course of action. It encourages others to do the same".

https://melodybeattie.com/detaching-in-relationships/
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