Jules------so many people who have an alcoholic in their lives, describe it as being on a roller coaster. When it is good it is good---but, when it is bad, it is bad.
The thing is, that those of us in that situation, don't get the good times for "free". We pay a steep price for those good times. That high price comes in the form of a continuous erosion of our health and mental state.
In a normal healthy relationship. of course, there will be a good share of the good times. In such a relationship, this is a normal and expected aspect of married life. There is no worry or dread about when the bad times are going to come. No waiting for the next shoe to drop. No background of silent anguish. Just a good feeling, and the knowledge that another good family time, around the corner.
Not so, living with a practicing alcoholic. I can become like living on crumbs, in between the periods of starvation. So much so, that we find ourselves in deep gratitude for any crumbs of good that come our way. These moments of good are what we start living for---so much so, that, each episode of good almost gives us a peak experience. We are so grateful that we elevate the alcoholic to a pedestal----a if they have given us something super special -----we excuse their bad treatment of us---we begin to rationalize why we don't expect good treatment all of the time. It becomes normalized for us to live through behaviors that others, who don't live with alcoholics, would find unacceptable.
It feels, to me, like a kind of Toll Bridge----"You want to cross the bridge to get to a good time on the other side? O,K.----but first you have to go through a bunch of bad times to get there!".
Living in such a way does take it's toll on us. And, as alcoholism is progressive---meaning that, over time, it gets worse and worse. The good times---the crumbs that we get----become more and more sparse..