Thank you all for the messages, I have lots of friends and family and am very grateful. I am going to remain sober, I know it would only make things unimaginably harder. This is a big wake up call for me.
I am feeling numb/shocked and a bit confused with moments of very low sadness. I know everyone's grief plays out differently but if anyone had some suggestions I would love to hear them. I plan on taking up the guitar and drawing, and going to grief counseling.