Thank you all for your comments.
I feel for the first time that i can support my wife in what she does/goes through etc. However, too much hurt is in the way of that and i see no way around it.
I have resisted talking to her friends and seeing if they could guide her towards some sort of help etc, the last thing i want to do is be manipulative...
I am so full of self hatred for how i have acted in the past, i know there is no magic wand, but feel like i should be able to offer her some inspiration for the future. At the moment I do not know what that is...