Notices

Too much for my wife

Old 12-16-2005, 12:55 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yeovil, Somerset
Posts: 51
Too much for my wife

I have been sober for almost two weeks now, and attend 2 - 3 AA meetings per week. On the 8th December my wife said that she couldn't "do this any more" and since then i have been sleeping on sofa's of a friend and returning to the house when i get the message that "it is still my home" and "your daughter needs to see you" When i return and sleep in the spare bedroom i try and put on a postive face and not mention the subject other than the meetings/recovery process is good, the transformation/enlightenment is astounding etc...

My wife gets very angry and upset, she asks questions i cannot answer, she feels alone, and unsure, I also feel as if I am no longer arrogant enough to say that it will all be alright. I cannot mention al-anon or the forums on here as she would see that as pressure/me passing the blame onto drink or her lack of understanding.

I do not know what to do. I do not want to lose her, I want to support her as i have found new strength and focus, but i also do not want this "semi-estrangement" to tear apart any hope for the future.

All i have to lookf orward to is another day sober.

Matt
mjln_1975 is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 01:19 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Don't get undies in a bunch
 
best's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
What are her questions?

Us guys tend to flip a switch and know this is this or that is that.
Women need time. I needed to allow my wife time to find the trust in me again. I needed to prove it, not just say it. Even to this day, I still need to prove it...I am sober and I can be trusted. It takes time. It took me stopping my selfish ways and starting to think of her feelings and needs. It takes communication.
best is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 01:35 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yeovil, Somerset
Posts: 51
Thank you for your reply

She is asking things like why has it taken so long for you to do something? I have pleaded with you before and it wasnt enough??

And of course - "i hope you are happy with yourself"

She is also blaming me for the fact that "the marriage is over" and i am responsible for her future alone, single parenting etc...

She is also asking how on earth can a group of strangers transform be overnight - she doesnt beleive it is possible, seen me fail too many times etc
mjln_1975 is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 02:18 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
minnie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hi Matt and welcome to SR. My heart goes out to the two of you - I think early sobriety is very hard for couples to deal with for all sorts of reasons. Although I only know this by witnessing what other people go through, as my ex didn't get into recovery for any length of time.

I'll jot down some of my thoughts after reading your posts and hopefully they'll help. If not, just take what you like and leave the rest.

Your wife will be experiencing the whole range of emotions at the moment. Happy that you're getting help, scared in case it doesn't work, angry because of all she's been through, unhappy that all her efforts didn't work and many more besides.

Without any education on alcoholism, she will not understand what motivates alcoholics to seek help nor will she understand what we call The Three C's - she didn't Cause it, she can't Control it and she can't Cure it.

Having said all of that, wasn't it the fact that she said the marriage was over that spurred you into seeking help? Does she realise this? I know she probably thinks "why did it have to come to that?", but sometimes it just does. In fact, so many recovering alcoholics say that it took their spouse leaving them to see just how deep in the addiction they had got. *edit* oops - I got my dates wrong and see that she made her decision after your sobriety date. Sorry. I'll leave that bit in - it might be helpful to someone else.

The other thing I wanted to mention is the roles we play in relationships. In ones affected by alcoholism, these are quite defined, with the spouse often playing the rescuer and the alcoholic being a scapegoat. Once sobriety enters the picture, the roles change and this can be very hard to deal with.

There is a book published by Al-anon called "Living with Sobriety" which you can get by calling them on 020 7403 0888. Might make a nice Xmas pressie?

Good luck, Matt.
minnie is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 02:23 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
"The BAND" workshop ROCKS!
 
roadie58's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Indianapolis, Indiana
Posts: 1,502
Al anon has the answer.
roadie58 is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 02:24 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
minnie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Just like an alcoholic can't be forced into AA, a spouse can't be forced into Al-anon. I agree, I found many of my answers in Al-anon.
minnie is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 02:28 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Dan
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
In couple dynamics, where one spouse is just starting to recover from alcoholism, it sometimes happens that the other spouse is nowhere near ready to recover themselves.
It happened to me.
Keep doing what you're doing to ensure your new found sobriety.
She will, or will not find a way to deal with her issues.
Good luck to both of you.
Dan is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 02:37 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yeovil, Somerset
Posts: 51
Thank you all for your comments.

I feel for the first time that i can support my wife in what she does/goes through etc. However, too much hurt is in the way of that and i see no way around it.

I have resisted talking to her friends and seeing if they could guide her towards some sort of help etc, the last thing i want to do is be manipulative...

I am so full of self hatred for how i have acted in the past, i know there is no magic wand, but feel like i should be able to offer her some inspiration for the future. At the moment I do not know what that is...
mjln_1975 is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 02:47 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
minnie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Actions are what can change this situation. YOUR actions. I am fairly confident that she has heard a lot of words from you in the past that have not been followed up with the necessary actions. SHOW her you're serious.

It may be that this won't be enough, however. My counsellor last year pointed out something to me that always sticks in my mind. My ex and I got together for a reason. And at the core of that reason was that I was a rescuer and he "needed" rescuing. If that changed through either (or both) of us getting into recovery, then there would have to be strong alternative reasons for us to stay together. I did, he didn't and I left. But, you know, I'm OK. And you will be too if you stay sober and work a programme.
minnie is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 03:21 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Old & Sober Member of AA
 
Jersey Nonny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
All i have to lookf orward to is another day sober.
That's more than you had to look forward to a couple of weeks ago! There are so many slogans in AA that you can use...I'm sure you've seen them posted at meetings: Live & Let Live - Easy Does It - Let Go & Let God - Think
One I've heard repeated by AA's (my own sponsor included): Give Time Time. I've never seen it on a slogan sticker, but maybe it should be. Also, This, Too, Shall Pass.

Right now, your wife is angry, fearful, distrusting...all very understandable. Don't try to influence her into a program...just concentrate on your own recovery...in time, she will see the difference in you, and you will regain her trust.

I used to have a little wall plaque that said, "God grant me patience...but, hurry!"
You didn't get to this point in your relationship in two weeks...you can't expect to to make everything better in two weeks. Just keep working your program...it's more important for you to stay sober than for her to understand your alcoholism or your method of recovery.
Jersey Nonny is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 03:23 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
splendra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((mjln)))

Congrats on getting sober!!

I know the anger and frustration of living with someone who is putting drugs and alcohol ahead of their family. I am thinking that your sobriety is still pretty new to your wife. I do not know how long you drank to excess in your marriage but, no doubt it was long enough to make your whole family sick too.

I would like to reckomend that you pray for her and also ask to be lead in a direction that can save your marriage. Also be patient with her and know that like you she is in pain and now needs to get sober from her addiction to your drinking.
splendra is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 03:27 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yeovil, Somerset
Posts: 51
i expect that it shall take a lot longer than two weeks, and i have found the strength to accept that, having always been an impetuous person.

There is also the practical issues that we have to attempt to deal with - who stays where, how much do we tell family, at the moment we are existing in Limbo - I attend meetings, sometimes my wife is able to be in the same room as me in the evening, and other times (last night) she broke down in tears and fury at me...

That at the moment is the hard thing to contend with; the pain i cause by staying which is unpredictable and the fact that she is struggling with our daughter and chores when i am not there, as well as not seeing any kind of improvement in me in my absence...
mjln_1975 is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 03:50 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
 
Little Missy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
((Matt)) Lots of great advise given here!!

Just keep doing what you are doing, (the next right thing). My husband goes to Al-anon and to open AA meetings with me. It has helped him to understand. I am very fortunate that he has researched this disease and has a better understanding. No, he will never fully understand, but he has accepted that fact that I have the disease of alcoholism.

No one will "understand" an alcoholic like another alcoholic. That's why we can help each other. We have been there, had the same thoughts.

If you can, try to sit down and talk to her. Take responsiblity for your past actions. This time will come as you work the Steps. Just let her know that you are working on you. Kind of like "We were blind and can now see!!"

IMO, you must put your sobriety first. Without that we can not be there for others!! Give her time. Be of service to her, help with chores, offer to take your daughter, do the grocery shopping. ACTION!! Show her you are changing!! She will still be skepitcal, but that's ok!!

Hang in there!! We're here to help!!
Missy
Little Missy is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 04:14 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yeovil, Somerset
Posts: 51
i am putting my sobriety first - I have to or the situation will implode again...

how can i take responsibility for my past actions?

I want to let "my actions do the talking"

I do not feel that she is ready to accept my "actions"

she is sick of it all being about me
mjln_1975 is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 04:28 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
minnie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Would she agree to marriage counselling?

Perhaps she isn't ready yet, just like you weren't ready to get sober until you did. I know that there is a tendency to want everything yesterday and also to want to "draw a line in the sand" and start afresh. Let me tell you, that was THE most irritating thing to hear. I felt totally invalidated when my ex would say that. Not saying that you are doing it, but worth bearing in mind.

Do the next right thing, keep your side of the street clean and be patient.
minnie is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 04:28 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
splendra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((mjln)))

In my area there are several AA meetings that have an Alanon meeting at the same time is it possible that there is a meeting like that in your area that you could invite your wife along to? Or maybe you could even invite her to go to an open meeting this might help her to feel closer to you in your recovery. I know she says that she doesn't want to go to Alanon

...also at this time of year in my area there are several AA/Alanon parties that are just great maybe there is one in your area that you could invite your wife and kids to that could help her connect to the "celebration of sobriety".

The very first meeting I ever went to just so happened to be a christmas party and it has helped me to appericate the celebration so much...
splendra is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 04:37 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
OVERIT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Good Ole' Rocky Top!
Posts: 3,540
((((mj)))))

My heart goes out to you and your family. I am the alcoholic in my family. My husband does not trust me. He says he is supportive, but at the same time, throws the situation in my face from time to time. I think it because they do not understand the disease. In my opinion, they think it is just something that we did to hurt them. And (in their opinion), it is just a "willpower" thing. It took me a lot of years to come to the conclusion that my sobriety was even more important than my marriage. I try to be patient with him. I know the hurt that I have caused to him. I know I will have to re-win his trust. I just try to remember that and give him time.

This probably does not help much, but I just wanted to share.


xoxoxo

Ang
OVERIT is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 04:42 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yeovil, Somerset
Posts: 51
i feel that my wife would me resent attending anything, or suggesting what she should do in general
mjln_1975 is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 04:45 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yeovil, Somerset
Posts: 51
i am prepared to give it all the time it takes, I trust my wife and know that it will take a long time for that to be reciprocated... In the mean time my wife has her pride and self-respect to regain, she decided it was over, how much would it take to back down on that decision i ask myself...
mjln_1975 is offline  
Old 12-16-2005, 04:51 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
minnie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Pride? Or fear?

Hon, you cannot expect her to believe it is real this time. How many other times has she got her hopes up?
minnie is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:52 PM.