SoDear, I'm glad you posted here. Sorry i missed you yesterday, but I see the A-Team arrived to hold you up, so that's a good thing! Look at all these folks that not only have faith in you, but they understand how it feels to be in the place you are. I don't have much more to offer, but will happily share what I've learned for myself in the hope that it might help you a little.
About that AV. It's good you decided not to listen any more. Maybe I'm making it up, but it kind of sounds to me like you've put the pillow over your head to shut it out. Only problem, of course, is that It's right in there with you. The AV tries to get at me too, but I remember that it's not really the
AV that wants - it's the beast. As long as I effectively keep the beast outside my house, the AV is really useless. I can't hear it, you know? If I listened real hard I could, but it would just be playing the same well-worn record over and over again. Sometimes backwards, sometimes at 75RPM instead of 45, but it's still the same tune. No need to listen to that, so I just disregard it. I'm not sure how to describe the feeling - the best I can think of is that I'm indifferent to it. There's no need to grit my teeth because I simply don't care what it has to say.
That uncomfortable feeling you're feeling, though? In my (admittedly limited) experience,
that is what needs attention. And the best way to pay attention to it is to, ironically enough, just sit with it. Notice how it feels without judging it. See if you can figure out what thoughts or beliefs are behind that feeling and what the deep-down origin of those thoughts are. You offered a lot of plausible reasons, but I'd submit that you haven't really found what it is because you're still terribly uncomfortable. You've probably read elsewhere about the laborious process I go through when I get a feeling like that. It's really hard, but every time I am able to get right down to the bottom of what I'm feeling-thinking-believing and I look it square in the eye, it's a relief. I reliably come out of the exercise thinking, "Is
that what this is about? Well, I can handle
that!" I'm not sure what it is for you, but for me, it's fear based in family of origin stuff. Every. Single. Time.
I agree with fini and dwtbd too. It's probably time to renew your contract, up your goal, set a new milestone. Set your sights on two years if a lifetime is too long.
xo
O