Thank you for posting hummingbird. My heart hurts for you, as my son is also lost to me at this time. He cut off communication with me over a year ago, and I have since only reached out to send him a birthday card. It felt right to me. I miss him...he's 29,lives on his own, not too far away, but I know if I am honest, I missed this young man long before he cut me out of his life. Little by little, he grew into someone I no longer know. It breaks my heart, but when I read what you are dealing with, I feel in someway, that the silence might be better.
I tell myself that I willing to bear the pain of this loss if it causes him to be 1 day closer to his bottom.
In the meantime, I focus on all of the joy in my life. We shouldn't miss out...we need to be strong and happy for ourselves and our loved ones.
I wish you peace and joy.