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broken record

Old 08-01-2020, 05:11 PM
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broken record

Yep, back again... I know I am a broken record just like my alcoholic son... Just wanted to write. I know there is nothing I can do or say. He has to be the one to change. Just so tired of the circle ... January 13th.. " I don't want to live like this anymore... I am going to change." Parents helped him with some debt he was facing.. Made it 2 months sober and then the work from home started.... Like he said yesterday "It is an alcoholics dream to work from home".. So, asked parents for help again and they did.. 3 days later, the gf leaves him due to his drinking. Calls us numerous times a day to talk. Cries he is afraid of himself and his own thoughts. Doesn't want to die and is afraid he is going to hurt himself. I tell him to go to the hospital and he gets angry. I hang up and let the husband deal with it. Today he called but husband was at work so I hesitantly took the call... He sounded okay just depressed some. We talked, reminisced, etc. Then I asked him if he was falling asleep... "Nope, but on that note since you noticed, I'd better go. I am not well". So he was drinking.... He cries that he is trying. He cries because he can't stop. He did speak to his sponsor last night and is supposed to talk to him tonight again with a plan. Refuses to go to rehab or detox. Plans on going to see a co-worker in another state and stay with her for a few days to help get his head on straight. He would be able to work from her place so he wouldn't miss any time.
There is nothing anyone can say to help me. I know he has to do this on his own. One conversation he seems like he is going to follow through with getting help, then next time he is intoxicated and crying.
Most of you know my posts. Most know he lives 1700 miles away and has no friends there. GF is gone so he is all alone. AA meetings are still zoom so he can't meet people at the meetings.
Thanks for listening.
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Old 08-01-2020, 06:05 PM
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I'm sorry hummingbird

I hope your son, one day soon, find his way.

D
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Old 08-01-2020, 07:15 PM
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My heart goes out to you hummingbird. Thanks for the post, I keep hoping your son will find recovery. Even though I am sure it was painful to share, it is full of the truth and pain that comes with alcoholism. Your sharing can help both loved ones of alcoholics and alcoholics as well; those alcoholics still in the throes of the disease and those who have found recovery. I appreciate your willingness to share.

I can relate to much of your son's story.
he lives 1700 miles away and has no friends there. GF is gone so he is all alone. AA meetings are still zoom so he can't meet people at the meetings
Misery loves company. When I had pushed everyone away and even my dog didn't want to deal with me and I was left totally alone with no company for my misery, that is when I finally really reached out for help. I was no longer just paying lip service, I truly wanted help. I was at my bottom, all alone. Except I wasn't alone; my family, friends, and recovery community were not far away. They had been there all along. Even though it saddened them, they left me alone to to finish my solitary digging. My misery finally had no company. Left absolutely alone, I became exhausted and reached out.

I now have 17 years of recovery. I know peace and serenity. I wouldn't trade my life today for anything. My path to today led me through hell, but it was the only way I was going to get to today. Don't give up hope. May you can find peace with your sons' path, wherever it leads.



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Old 08-01-2020, 10:10 PM
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I'm so sorry to read this. I am an alcoholic whom now has 2 years and 3 months of sobriety, one day at a time.

I am a mother to an 8 year old little girl and it must be the hardest thing in the world to see your child drinking them selves to destruction and being absolutely powerless to help them.

No one could stop me drinking. My love for my daughter could not stop me. Alcohol had such a grip on me. It brought me to my knees and nearly killed me and 2 years and 3 months ago I do believe I was given the gift of desperation and I became willing to go to any lengths to get sober and stay sober.

I will pray for your son Hummingbird

🙏❤
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Old 08-02-2020, 02:22 AM
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He calls multiple times a day to talk because of the thoughts going through his head. Scared of his thoughts of what his mind is telling him. Realizes it is the addiction talking. Realizes the addition is causing his relationships to fall apart, etc.
The last call this morning was 3 hours long. He will most likely call my daughter now to talk to her. He can't sleep because his mind is racing.
Anyone in recovery here and if so how did you get passed the thoughts the addiction is putting in his head? The fears?
Recommended he goes to detox but he won't. The last place he went for rehab he was at 3 times in 9 months over a year ago and they told him that was the last time he was going to be allowed to come there for detox.. said they were not going to be a revolving door. I feel that since he has made it over a year now they may reconsider him going back but so far he won't
I am prepared to get the call that he is in the hospital. I am prepared to get the call he has passed away.

thanks for letting me share
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Old 08-02-2020, 03:18 AM
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Originally Posted by hummingbird358 View Post
Scared of his thoughts of what his mind is telling him. Realizes it is the addiction talking. Realizes the addition is causing his relationships to fall apart, etc.

Anyone in recovery here and if so how did you get passed the thoughts the addiction is putting in his head? The fears?
Hummingbird, your son's realisations above, may be a sign of hope. I was addicted to alcohol. I joined SR in 2016, after 20 years of daily drinking. I'd tried recovery groups and other methods, yet failed to gain sobriety. As a result of posting on SR and engaging with the members, reading more addiction material, videos, neuroscience articles etc., I stopped drinking for two and a half years.

I drank again last year, by failing to recognise my AV, the voice of my addiction, promising that I was able to drink for a couple of days, to drown my sorrow following tumultuous events., then stop. My AV lied. I returned to SR last year, really struggling to gain an alcohol-free day. I desperately wanted to regain the content sobriety I'd enjoyed, but I felt a complete lack of hope. Once again, the SR members gave me hope. I regained sobriety and I have vowed to myself, That I will never listen to the AVs lies again, and thereby ,I shall remain sober.
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Old 08-02-2020, 05:32 AM
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Praying for you, your husband, and son.
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Old 08-02-2020, 09:51 AM
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Thanks for the words and prayers. It is his life. We listen, we care, we encourage and we give advice... He is on our insurance until 10/31 so I suggested now is the time to go back into medical detox, etc... Nope, will not do.
He called while I was out and told my husband he isn't doing well. I would assume he went and got some drink. He is depressed and lonely. He listens to the addiction in his head instead of pushing it aside. He reached out to his sponsor only once...
I know we have done everything we can do. He knows that no matter where he goes this will follow him until he puts it behind him. Just trying to get him to take the next step before it is too late is so hard.
He was invited to see a friend in Florida to take time away and get his head back on straight. Won't go until he "detoxes himself" by slowly cutting down... Doesn't want the coworker to see him with withdrawals... From how it is going, it may take awhile until he goes.
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Old 08-02-2020, 10:30 AM
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Originally Posted by hummingbird358 View Post
There is nothing anyone can say to help me. I know he has to do this on his own.
Are you sure about that?

What would happen if you allow him to sit with himself because you stop taking his calls? No one is forcing you to communicate with him. And on that note - it doesn't look like a lot of communication is going on anyway....he's not in a clear state of mind whether he's drinking or not.

Sanity doesn't return for us alcoholics until we've been sober for awhile.

Stop taking his calls and start creating some sanity in your own life. That's the only life you can control and that's the only life you're responsible for.
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Old 08-02-2020, 10:58 AM
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Only your son can help himself, hummingbird. The drive for freedom from addiction and recovery, has to come from within the addicted person

It is your son that should be posting here on SR, seeking support. That is something you and your husband could do, encourage your son to post on SR.
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Old 08-02-2020, 11:32 AM
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I know you feel you have tried everything. Have you tried letting go? Allowing him the dignity of figuring this out for himself?

There really are no magic words to ďget himĒ to do anything, for better or for worse. No exceptions.
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Old 08-02-2020, 07:29 PM
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So he called tonight again... expected us to stay on the phone with him all night when we have to work tomorrow. I said I will listen. He was intoxicated. Told me he went to the liquor store but only got enough to slowly detox... I again mentioned going to an inpatient detox... got it thrown in my face about something that happened 10 years ago. Was told he doesn't believe in God or a higher power. He tried praying and nothing came of it so there isn't a God. Was just so ugly and then starts crying we are all he has and wants to see us. Says that most people die that have this... I reminded him of his sponsor and coworker that are in recovery and doing great with a family so he can as well... That didn't fly.
I don't know what will happen through this night. I put the phone in another room. I turned my cell phone off as well.
I can't do this anymore.
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Old 08-02-2020, 10:09 PM
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He has a choice, he can keep drinking and slowly kill himself or he can quit. They will often say they want to quit because thatís what you want to hear expect for that they donít want to actually do the work necessary to truly recover. So instead he will just call you and make you listen to his woe is me story and playing victim.

Detox serves no purpose in the recovery process really. All it does is help people stop drinking safely so that they donít die from quitting cold turkey. But that wonít make him stay clean. Once he detoxes then he needs to go to rehab/counseling etc to actually start on recovery. Unfortunately it doesnít sound like he is ready to actually quit for himself. As hard as it is, either stop taking his calls completely (unless he call you from rehab) or take his call but if he is drunk or starts his pity party for one you tell him you are not willing to listen to him complain any more and finish the call right then and there. As you know there is nothing you or anyone else can do for him to make him quit. He is not willing to quit but he wants to make everyone else feel guilty about him not being able to quit or not wanting to listen to his stories.

By you continuing to answer his calls and listen to him he is getting what he wants and in the mean time it is taking a huge toll on your mental health but it isnít helping him at all. If he is threatening suicide or other manipulative threats just call the cops on him for a welfare check and let them deal with it. Otherwise he is a grown man and he can do what he wants even if that means drink. But that doesnít mean you have to put up with his behaviors. I understand that it is very hard to watch your kid self destruct slowly but until he is wanting to help himself nothing will change. So best you can do is take care of yourself so you donít lose your marbles as well. So kudos to you for turning of your phone. Iím sure that wasnít easy. He needs to hit rock bottom and hopefully he will get to that point When he realizes that no one will listen to him anymore unless he starts working on true recovery. And that will involve rehab and counseling. His excuse that he doesnít believe in god likely means he wonít want to do AA but there are other routes. He will not be able to quit long term unless he quits for himself and actually seeks professional help.my ex had excuses on why he could not go to AA, I realized later that was just because he didnít really want to quit. After he went to rehab and got sober he went to local AA without a problem.

I wish you all the best. I think going no contact will be best for your sanity. Staying in touch will just make you more worried and it wonít change the outcome until he decides to seek help. So might as weíll save your own sanity rather than having both of you lose it. A friend of my from alanon described it as someone is in the ocean struggling and kicking trying not to drown ( the alcoholic) and then the rescuer (you in this case) are trying to help him by giving him a life saver ring but he keeps kicking and flailing and in the process both of you end up drowning. I thought that was a pretty good analogy of what our trying to help the alcoholic would end up doing to us.

I know for me with my now ex that last year before he got sober I actually quit caring about what might happen to him. That sounds really awful but I figured if he was going to self destruct than I was going to let him. I was done interfering (until i hit rock bottom and could no longer stand being around him so something had to happen). I never thought I would have gotten to that point but I guess we all have a breaking point.
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Old 08-03-2020, 01:33 AM
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Thanks Sleepyholo. What you said is correct. He calls and I have to hear about the rotten hand he was dealt getting this disease. I told him that people overcome this with work and his reply but most die. I told him about finding an online forum to chat with others going through what he is, he didn't do it. He sits alone and does his self pity because he pushed all of his friends away. They have lives and don't want to sit on the phone for hours listening to him intoxicated.
I woke up to no messages or missed calls. It is what it is. If he dies, then there is peace. The son I raised is not there anymore. He died a long time ago. Just hope that God will take him with him.
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Old 08-03-2020, 02:40 AM
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Your poor son, if he thinks it's a disease over which he has no control and that most people die of it, because that isn't my experience. If only you and your son would read around the main forums, where the addicted people post. There are many, many people staying sober, with SR only, plus others with a variety of, and a mixture of other methods.

Your son needs hope, to see that many people recover, and that he can too. Why isn't your son posting in Newcomers on SR, there's lots of hope and support available. Your son is being victimised by his AV.
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Old 08-03-2020, 04:36 AM
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Hello hummingbird, I hope you know that you are always welcome here. Welcome to talk about this all you want or need. I completely understand the need to 'get it out'. Sometimes my late husband and I talked about his son's drinking so much that we referred to it as "the topic". It's good to have another way to release some of the sorrow, anxiety, and grief.

My late husband would take calls from his son even when he'd been drinking, too. If I had been working in another part of the house, I would sometimes return to the living room and find him on the phone just saying "Oh?" and "Mmhmm..." and I he would look up at me signalling that it was his son.

Some may not understand and completely disagree, but my husband felt that it was his one way to at least keep a line of communication open with his son.

I hope and pray that your son will find the strength to push through this and really get some help for himself! I hope that you will find your peace and joy. You are all in my prayers.
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Old 08-03-2020, 11:28 AM
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Thank you for posting hummingbird. My heart hurts for you, as my son is also lost to me at this time. He cut off communication with me over a year ago, and I have since only reached out to send him a birthday card. It felt right to me. I miss him...he's 29,lives on his own, not too far away, but I know if I am honest, I missed this young man long before he cut me out of his life. Little by little, he grew into someone I no longer know. It breaks my heart, but when I read what you are dealing with, I feel in someway, that the silence might be better.
I tell myself that I willing to bear the pain of this loss if it causes him to be 1 day closer to his bottom.
In the meantime, I focus on all of the joy in my life. We shouldn't miss out...we need to be strong and happy for ourselves and our loved ones.
I wish you peace and joy.
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Old 08-03-2020, 03:49 PM
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Hummingbird, so sorry for what brings you here! I agree with Tatsy, your son needs to read the Newcomers section on SR and educate himself. If he canít bring himself to do even that, then all his talk about wanting to stop is just lip service. It is true that many have failed, but it is the best chance heís got. If he doesnít like AA (I didnít either), he can read about other options like AVRT or try to stay sober just with the help of SR alone, as I have for over three years now. It can be done.
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Old 08-03-2020, 04:11 PM
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Thanks everyone. I wouldn't talk to him today. I have to set my boundaries. He is ugly to me and I can't stand to hear his voice when he is drunk and arrogant. My husband did call him and he told my husband he was sick and didn't work today. Was vomiting, supposedly hyperventilating, etc... Still was cutting back on his drink.. Mentioned something about not stopping or he would soil his pants.. but I am not sure if my husband heard that wrong.
My daughter asked me if we heard from him and I said that he didn't go to work. He must have called her then and she said "so you didn't want to go to a hospital for detox because you would miss work? BUT you keep on drinking and missed work?" he said to her that they no longer are seeing eye to eye and hung up on her.

I have suggested many times for him to find an online forum for him to write on and seek help through chat. I did not come out and give this one for fear he would read my posts and know they were about him.

He is supposed to go to another state to visit a friend/coworker this Thursday night... I don't know how he will make it if he doesn't stop drinking and then gets there. She told him if he comes intoxicated he will stay at a hotel.
He was so looking forward to getting away so one would think he would have tried his best to stop the drink and go to detox.
I feel bad for not wanting to speak to him let but it just infuriates me.
Like someone said he isn't making any changes.
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Old 08-03-2020, 05:25 PM
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Originally Posted by hummingbird358 View Post
Like someone said he isn't making any changes.
Are you making changes? What are you doing differently? How are you working on thinking differently?
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