I spent most of my life working toward goals only to screw them up at the end. Fear of success i think also.
You seem to have a good grasp on a lot of what is driving your actions. Use that knowledge.
Letting others dictate how we feel is a very hard thing to overcome. But if you work a plan and get sober the, fact that you succeeded in this and the absence of alcohol in your system can only help your self esteem.
You are worth it!
We are ALL worth it
Stop drinking, keep reading, keep posting and you will see