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Old 08-03-2020, 07:13 AM
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shame

Hi friends, I am a frequent reader of these threads and not feeling worthy. My drinking has gotten out of control during this respite from work due to Covid. This is not a new problem and overdid it on the weekend and it (as alcoholism does) has escalated during this time. I'm so ashamed, because I am a school nurse and school is starting up again. I am very stressed also do to extra workload and auto immune. Small town, and can't have the school nurse going to detox when I know so many parents who work there. Lots of stress and feel alone. I need to talk to my doctor and be honest as it only goes downhill from here. Already, liver pain and elevated enzymes (which have never had before). Trying to buy a small home and only breadwinner. I am not drinking at work, but I went in this morning to do some paperwork. School closed for whatever reason. Feeling a bit shaky and scared of withdrawal or going to hospital. I don't even know if I go if it gets reported to Board of Nursing. I am just tapering with a couple small sips of wine here and there, and will continue to cut down. I know that isn't the answer, but I am on my own. I am 58 and have to get my **** together. Tired of not feeling well, but I'm just so full of shame and fear. Of course, alcohol makes my depression worse. I don't judge others, just myself. I really appreciate your reading this. I am super sensitive today. So please be as honest, but as kind as you can be. I am super sad, but plan on making some changes. I do have brief periods of sobriety, and once has three years. Have severe PTSD and anxiety....still no excuse.
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Old 08-03-2020, 07:28 AM
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Taper...

I did a taper and it worked for me...BUT, huge but..I only did it for three days.

I had been drinking all day every day, hard alcohol for a few years. On Day One I had two beers. Day two, one drink. Day three, just a half shot of rum. Then I was done and struggled through the rest of the stuff without any more alcohol and without Rx drugs.

It can be done.

What's your plan? When will your taper end? Make it soon, don't leave it open-ended because there is always a "reason" (excuse) to drink..

Super sensitivity and anxiety was all part of the drinking and the withdrawal for me and it got better quickly. I also had PTSD and other issues and they can be sorted in time, but first put out the fire.
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Old 08-03-2020, 07:39 AM
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definitely about about a three day taper. I've done it before. Please know I am aware this may my be my best plan for now, but I need to try and move forward. I admit the isolation has taken a toll o me, but again no excuses. I find myself always saying tomorrow. And sometimes I do, but my impulsiveness is a problem for me. I need to feel better. The auto immune already kicks my butt a bit. Now liver pain and I see my mental decline with depression, hopelessness and anxiety. I seem to just exist to do my job, and people do really like me. I wonder what they would think if they knew my personal life. I know alcohol doesn't discriminate, but I beat myself up that I should still no better. My kids are eighteen and nineteen and lost their dad last year due to cancer. Financially and for them and grieving, it has been hard. I have told my counselor and last time I saw my doctor I have been drinking even more with Covid, but I admit I haven't told it all. Bimini, I really appreciate your response. Thank you
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Old 08-03-2020, 07:43 AM
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I think the most important thing is that you stop drinking and that you have a plan to do so. Of course, shame is a huge part of alcoholism and it's often the thing that keeps us hooked. Try to step back from the shame and focus on doing whatever you can to stop drinking. I think your depression will improve with alcohol out of the picture and your anxiety and PTSD will be easier to manage.

I don't know about things being reported to the Board of Nursing, but talking to your doctor would be a good idea. That way you could feel confident to completely stop drinking.

SR is a great support so I hope you continue to post and use our community to lean on.

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Old 08-03-2020, 07:47 AM
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I completely understand what you are going through. I expect a lot from myself and when I was in the lowest phase of my drinking I was deeply ashamed of my behavior. I remember well the deep depression and shaking anxiety that came along with my "drinking to cope" strategy. I was doing just enough get by and this is where the deep shame came from because it went against my very nature. I am now over two years sober. Life is so achievable now. I am in a safe place with myself. It was critical in my recovery to learn to care for myself. You can do this.
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Old 08-03-2020, 07:55 AM
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Thanks to you both for listening. Despite my periods of sobriety, I honestly haven't opened up (esp at meetings in town) as I don't feel comfortable since I don't know who is a parent or not. And people do talk. That was actually a big step for me. I think I give the illusion that I am confident and must be doing better than I really am. There would be no reason to report me, but nurses can even get a DUI on their own time, and it gets reported and dealt with by the Board. I love my doctor, and I feel badly I wasn't completely up front. I am sorry to disappoint her or my gastroenterologist (who diagnosed fatty liver) and wife works at my school. But at this age, I'm using up my chances I fear.
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Old 08-03-2020, 07:58 AM
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It gets better mentally. At least it has for me. A little over 6 months sober and my anxiety has pretty much disappeared except for the occasional bout during times of stress. I just ride it out rather than try to drink it away.

Sorry for your loss and truly hope you can get out from under alcohols grip
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Old 08-03-2020, 08:03 AM
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First, it is possible but you have to be all in. This is something that I have learned recently that has made a difference. You should quit for good because once you are down this path there is no going back. If forever is a scary thought then say until you are 90 or some people like to say a date when they will be dead like your birthday in 2100. It sounds like your health is being affected so latch on to that for motivation. Also, you must know that basically ALL of us have been where you are and many still are. Start making a plan and get a quit ready. Keep posting here. We are all rooting for you!
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Old 08-03-2020, 08:11 AM
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Thanks gentleman. I am scared it might be too late. Maximus, I am fearful of almost everything these days. I will be fine but the minute I go into the doctor or to see my lawyer, I become tremulous and shaky. BP up. I think it is the guilt and shame as well as my constant fear I am doing non reversible damage.
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Old 08-03-2020, 08:13 AM
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It is definitely not too late. Its too late when you have yellow eyes and liver cirrhosis really bad. Your in the medical field so when those irrational fears (driven by alchohol) come up use your rational brain to think through them.
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Old 08-03-2020, 08:14 AM
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You can do this. You made it to 3 months before so that's proof you have what it takes. The furthest I made it before this quit was 53 days (I'm 7 months sober now).

All the crippling anxiety and self-loathing I had has faded away and a new world is opening up. This will happen for you too, if you can stay sober long enough.

Like you, I live in a small town and I'm in a counselling type profession. So SR is the only thing I've had to keep me going since I quit. But it's working because I'm making it work every single day.

Don't be fooled into thinking life will never be quite as good without alcohol. That kind of thinking always led me back to trying to moderate my drinking....which never ever worked.

One day at a time.


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Old 08-03-2020, 08:17 AM
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Thank you sober45
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Old 08-03-2020, 08:29 AM
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Originally Posted by sayingprayers View Post
Thanks gentleman. I am scared it might be too late. Maximus, I am fearful of almost everything these days. I will be fine but the minute I go into the doctor or to see my lawyer, I become tremulous and shaky. BP up. I think it is the guilt and shame as well as my constant fear I am doing non reversible damage.
Oh this really speaks to me. Before I stopped I had progressed to the point of paranoia. EVERYTHING made me anxious and I was sweating all the time. It may not be just the guilt and shame. Continuous alcohol intake alters our chemistry but sobriety shifted things back to normal for me. I had to be sober for about 4 months to really see this because having drank for so many years, I forgot what normal was.
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Old 08-03-2020, 08:46 AM
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Great job Sober 45. My fatty liver was a year ago. I hope it cannot have progressed to permanent damage that quickly. I can just feel it, and like I said, with elevated enzymes, was scary. Sadly, it must not have been scary enough to nip it in the bud. How insane is that. But I think about it all the time.
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Old 08-03-2020, 08:56 AM
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It's never too late to initiate self care
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Old 08-03-2020, 09:19 AM
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Thank you Fishkiller. I have never been good at taking care of myself, or thinking I'm worth it to be honest. I am lacking in motivation other than to just throw scrubs on and go. Rarely do makeup anymore and hate to clean. Yep, just getting by with the bare minimum. My mother and ex husband had something to do with that esteem. Plus the guilt I feel. I'm hoping my self esteem will return. Actually, when I have been sober for days in a row, I feel better and know it. I wonder if it also some sort of self sabotage (as well as addiction) to keep myself down. Appreciate the support from everyone here. You are all very kind. I actually called the AA Hotline just to chat briefly. Guy was so nice, and of course reminded me of things I don't want to be reminded of...however, it was necessary. This is no joking matter.
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Old 08-03-2020, 10:18 AM
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I spent most of my life working toward goals only to screw them up at the end. Fear of success i think also.

You seem to have a good grasp on a lot of what is driving your actions. Use that knowledge.

Letting others dictate how we feel is a very hard thing to overcome. But if you work a plan and get sober the, fact that you succeeded in this and the absence of alcohol in your system can only help your self esteem.

You are worth it!
We are ALL worth it

Stop drinking, keep reading, keep posting and you will see
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Old 08-03-2020, 10:29 AM
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I did that, too. I work in a professional setting and didn't buy clothes for years. I also stopped wearing make-up and dying my hair. But how could I? I was completely and utterly exhausted from trying to maintain my drinking career. Being sober is so much easier....it just takes time to get the hang of it. To be honest, I'll be 46 in a few weeks but lately I've been feeling like a teenager again. I believe this is possible for you.

Self sabotage? I never thought about it like that but yes, makes sense. For me, I would self sabotage by drinking to avoid having to face the truth. I had to face up to a lot of things including how my behavior affected my now 18 year old daughter. A lot of damage was done but we are recovering together. She is no longer a hindrance to my drinking...she's my light.

Another thing that happens after a few sober days is rationalizing moderation of our intake. We feel left out and like we deserve to have it because everyone else is. Heck, drinking is the cultural expectation just about everywhere now. We just want to be normal. I really had to dig in on this line of thinking and change it around. Drinking a toxic substance is not normal...period.
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Old 08-03-2020, 10:30 AM
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Thumbs up

I notice that you use the word "fear" a lot in your posts.

What can you do - in the face of fear- that will propel you towards the future you want for yourself?
How can you DO SOMETHING to begin moving forward even though you're afraid?
Does fear require you to freeze or can you still behave in a way that instills you with pride and accomplishment?

Think about it. You put yourself in this situation and only you can get yourself out. But not by thinking about it. Moving toward your future and away from drinking requires action.
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Old 08-03-2020, 10:41 AM
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I hear you and agree. Fear of being alone, older, with a few auto immunes (that may be my demise first), and money is huge. I don't know how much longer I can work....can't afford to live off disability, homelessness. Fear of others knowing my faults and mental health declining. you are correct. Fear of alcohol. It almost goes in loops and I get overwhelmed. Funny thing is after the abuse from my ex where I had to basically run off with kids, people always tell me how strong I am. It isn't true. I am weak and you are correct, fearful. Honestly, I don't even know exactly what I want my future to look like. Right now, I just want some hope.
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