Thank you Fishkiller. I have never been good at taking care of myself, or thinking I'm worth it to be honest. I am lacking in motivation other than to just throw scrubs on and go. Rarely do makeup anymore and hate to clean. Yep, just getting by with the bare minimum. My mother and ex husband had something to do with that esteem. Plus the guilt I feel. I'm hoping my self esteem will return. Actually, when I have been sober for days in a row, I feel better and know it. I wonder if it also some sort of self sabotage (as well as addiction) to keep myself down. Appreciate the support from everyone here. You are all very kind. I actually called the AA Hotline just to chat briefly. Guy was so nice, and of course reminded me of things I don't want to be reminded of...however, it was necessary. This is no joking matter.