I completely understand what you are going through. I expect a lot from myself and when I was in the lowest phase of my drinking I was deeply ashamed of my behavior. I remember well the deep depression and shaking anxiety that came along with my "drinking to cope" strategy. I was doing just enough get by and this is where the deep shame came from because it went against my very nature. I am now over two years sober. Life is so achievable now. I am in a safe place with myself. It was critical in my recovery to learn to care for myself. You can do this.