"You know how you can’t control the drinks after the first drink, but you supposedly can control the first drink? I feel like by fantasizing about it so much I’ve been so close to the first drink that I’ve basically already taken it, so I might as well start drinking. I don’t know if that makes any sense."
You're rationalizing. Stop doing that. No, it doesn't make any sense to a sober person not overwhelmed by the AV because here's the thing - you can fantasize about drinking until you turn green but if you haven't swallowed alcohol - you haven't swallowed alcohol. P E R I O D.
You've accumulated over a year of sobriety. That's a lot of hard work.
Don't give in now.