Tired, need advice
Good morning everyone,
To be honest, I'm struggling. I'm sober today and was sober yesterday, but went on a 4 day bender of sneaking vodka in the evenings and then went to my son's baseball tournament where I drank all day on Saturday. I was seated away from the other parents, my wife and other son stayed home because of some other priorities. So I was away, unsupervised, had a hotel and just had no will power at all. Closes thing to will power I had was at 7:30 Sat evening at the hotel where I took one last sip in the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror and said "STOP THIS NOW!". I dumped the rest.
I'm tired of this, just so tired of the merry go round. I can't remember the last time I had a "normal" drink. 100% of the time I drink it's more than I want and drinking in a problematic fashion. Something has to change. I felt so horrible yesterday physically of course. I'm nearly 40 and been doing this basically since 20. My body is starting to give me those warning signs.
So what I did do was purchase The Naked Mind and downloaded her podcast. Started reading some of the book and listening to those at the baseball field yesterday. I'm going to continue checking in here. Continue with my affirmations...my conscious mind knows this is all a s*#tshow...whatever my subconscious is holding onto needs to be reversed. I'm not ruling out going to some meetings, but not there yet. Starting to google some 1 on 1 alcohol coaches. It's so weird that I am so disciplined in all other areas of my life...but alcohol is, by far, the most difficult thing I have ever battled. If my kids ever ask me what my biggest challenge in life was/is, no hesitation, it's alcohol.
In the short term I need some other advice. Each year a group of college, high school buddies of mine all get together for a camping/canoe trip. Been doing it close to 15 years. It's the first weekend in August. I had committed to going several months ago. It's been weighing on me because deep down I know I should not go. It's not where I need to be right now...or maybe not ever again. I need to be sober and near my family. What I'm struggling with is how to back out. What do I say? This group, while great, successful, and fun, is all about just drinking and being with the guys on this particular weekend. I'm not sure I'm ready to tell them all why I'm backing out. Maybe I simply say I have some family things that came up that I need to deal with...everyone is fine, but I have to take this year off? I don't want to lie, but also don't want to give all the truth if that makes sense. We have a tendency to rag on eachother...even if it's good natured, so I fully expect to get all that wrath. My gut is just telling me I can't go.
What are your thoughts?