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Tired, need advice

Old 07-20-2020, 05:16 AM
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Tired, need advice

Good morning everyone,

To be honest, I'm struggling. I'm sober today and was sober yesterday, but went on a 4 day bender of sneaking vodka in the evenings and then went to my son's baseball tournament where I drank all day on Saturday. I was seated away from the other parents, my wife and other son stayed home because of some other priorities. So I was away, unsupervised, had a hotel and just had no will power at all. Closes thing to will power I had was at 7:30 Sat evening at the hotel where I took one last sip in the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror and said "STOP THIS NOW!". I dumped the rest.

I'm tired of this, just so tired of the merry go round. I can't remember the last time I had a "normal" drink. 100% of the time I drink it's more than I want and drinking in a problematic fashion. Something has to change. I felt so horrible yesterday physically of course. I'm nearly 40 and been doing this basically since 20. My body is starting to give me those warning signs.

So what I did do was purchase The Naked Mind and downloaded her podcast. Started reading some of the book and listening to those at the baseball field yesterday. I'm going to continue checking in here. Continue with my affirmations...my conscious mind knows this is all a s*#tshow...whatever my subconscious is holding onto needs to be reversed. I'm not ruling out going to some meetings, but not there yet. Starting to google some 1 on 1 alcohol coaches. It's so weird that I am so disciplined in all other areas of my life...but alcohol is, by far, the most difficult thing I have ever battled. If my kids ever ask me what my biggest challenge in life was/is, no hesitation, it's alcohol.

In the short term I need some other advice. Each year a group of college, high school buddies of mine all get together for a camping/canoe trip. Been doing it close to 15 years. It's the first weekend in August. I had committed to going several months ago. It's been weighing on me because deep down I know I should not go. It's not where I need to be right now...or maybe not ever again. I need to be sober and near my family. What I'm struggling with is how to back out. What do I say? This group, while great, successful, and fun, is all about just drinking and being with the guys on this particular weekend. I'm not sure I'm ready to tell them all why I'm backing out. Maybe I simply say I have some family things that came up that I need to deal with...everyone is fine, but I have to take this year off? I don't want to lie, but also don't want to give all the truth if that makes sense. We have a tendency to rag on eachother...even if it's good natured, so I fully expect to get all that wrath. My gut is just telling me I can't go.

What are your thoughts?

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Old 07-20-2020, 05:46 AM
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Welcome Noam19. You sound ready to quit and have come to great place for support.

Read around, join a few threads (for example look at the Class of July thread), post as much as you like and make yourself home.
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Old 07-20-2020, 05:56 AM
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Hi Noam19,

I think you are making the right choice in not going, buddy. Just find a reason and stick to it. It doesnt have to be forever, once you put some distance between you and the drink you will be able to go to these type events again. Stay close to the forums and keep on with This Naked Mind. It's a good book. Read as many as you can and keep engaged with your recovery. Wishing you the very best of luck ✌
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Old 07-20-2020, 06:19 AM
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Welcome. I can relate to much of everything you said - from our ages, to having a family, to hiding and sneaking the booze, to being worried about social commitments with old friends who drink too much. It sounds like you are taking the right steps to begin on reclaiming your life - for yourself and your family. (Btw I also really like Rational Recovery and Easy Way to Quit Drinking as other sources of ideas, inspiration and work). It took me a long time to finally put the poison down for good - lots of suffering and pain, lies and deceit. But being on this side of sober for more than two years I can also tell you that there is truly a better life waiting for you. You have to do the work. You have to accept that the life you've lived in thrall to alcohol is gone for good and forever. But the peace, confidence, strength, power, calm, focus and everything else that come with sobriety continues to amaze me and sustain me on a daily basis.

And in re: the canoe trip. You'll get differing opinions here about how and when to talk to people about quitting and also about when to be around social events like that when you are newly sober. It sounds to me like you know what's best for you and your family - not going. For me personally just telling my boys that I couldn't go this year, making up any kind of excuse, is more than enough. The truth is that you are going to be more worried about what they are thinking than them caring much at all, at least that's my experience. Just make up some excuse - work, family, money, health and say you'll see them next year and that's that. Put it out of your mind and get down to the work that matters most - saving your own life.

Congrats on getting to the place you are at and finding SR. This places got me sober for good. Can do the same for you, just have to do the work.
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Old 07-20-2020, 06:39 AM
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Just don't go this one year Noam. Tell the group you have something else going on and it just isn't going to work. The environment is the most fraught one can think of for drinking other than inside a pub all by yourself. It is fine to take a year off and I'm sure some have missed here and there.

If you do decide to go, I don't think you need to shout from the mountain tops and beat your chest about being sober. Just tell the guys right now you aren't drinking and you are working on some health issues. That's the honest truth. It will be as big of a deal as you make it.

It is a pretty typical topic around here in early sobriety - being worried about people seeing you not drink. The truth is most people won't even notice what you are drinking and not drinking. We addicts are a very self-centered bunch and come to find out the world, even close friends, do not monitor our every move.

To be clear, my vote is skip this year as you have bigger fish to fry right now.
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Old 07-20-2020, 07:00 AM
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I don't know where you live, but we are in the midst of a pandemic. You shouldn't go for that reason alone. The fact that it's a drinking expedition just compounds the necessity of staying home.
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Old 07-20-2020, 07:39 AM
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This is the hard part of early recovery, but it's essential in order to start to heal. I'm glad you know you shouldn't go. I think you don't need to give anyone a reason if you don't want to. I found it incredibly liberating to know that I could 'No, thanks' when it was something I didn't want to do. You can give them an explanation if you want to, but you don't owe them an explanation.
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Old 07-20-2020, 07:50 AM
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Agree, don't go on the trip and give a family reason for not going. They will talk crap, you can talk crap back and move on. I know those kind of situations well. When it comes down to it they will move on and have fun and you can join them next year where you will have a year sober!
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Old 07-20-2020, 08:25 AM
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Congratulations on pouring out the booze!

Alcohol is "cunning, baffling, powerful." For me, there will never be a normal drink. I do not put myself in situations where others are getting drunk. Alcoholism is an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body. The obsession cannot be dealt with rationally--you can't outthink a broken mind any more than you can outrun a broken ankle.

I found sobriety through the support of others here and in AA. Read around and post often--it works if you work it!
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Old 07-20-2020, 08:54 AM
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Noam, congratulations on your decision and implementing it.
as far as the trip, no explanation is needed other than coronavirus distancing.
(if they give you a hard time about that, or make fun of you for it (i know some people who would), it says nothing about you but gives you food for thought about the relationships.)
sounds like you very much know what to do and what not; follow it.
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Old 07-20-2020, 10:06 AM
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How about the sensible reason of not wanting to possibly expose your family to Covid when you get home?

soumds like you know will happen with the booze if you do go. Little voice inside always knows—
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Old 07-20-2020, 03:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Noam19 View Post
My gut is just telling me I can't go.

What are your thoughts?
My thoughts are that you should consider inpatient treatment for alcohol abuse. Figure out what to tell you buddies later. They'll still be around when you get home. Right now, you've got more important things to do.
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Old 07-20-2020, 03:47 PM
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Hi Noam

Just tell them you can't go. They don;t really need any more info than that.

recovery means some tough choices and not going on boozy camping trips is one of those kinds of decisions.

have you thought about what else you could do to bolster your recovery action plan at all?

D
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Old 07-20-2020, 04:18 PM
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Hi there,

I've been sober just 1.5 years. My 40th birthday was planned and tickets bought for a beer fest at night in a museum prior to my quit. It was a group of us turning 40.

Here's what I did: I gave my ticket away. I didn't go to my own 40th birthday party. I may not be as close to my crew as you are with yours but my husband told them I was sober. He still went with my brother in law for the others. I'm 1.5 years sober now. Starting off the 40s good here. I don't regret it. I don't miss that one night at all.

I might have regretted acting like a drunk ASS like I'm prone to doing. Instead I think I read on here, watched TV, got some rest and was up and at em the next morning. It's much better. You'll have other activities with them later, or perhaps you're be more used to being sober by next year.
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Old 07-20-2020, 04:56 PM
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Yup, not going is 100% the right decision.
COVID is a perfectly handy and valid reason.

Like others have said, I really wouldn't entertain any discussion about it. If anyone wants to press, you can just do the broken record thing as often as anyone chooses to press. "Sorry, but I've made up my mind. Hopefully next year will be different."
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Old 07-20-2020, 05:21 PM
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My advice is to stick around here. Read and post alot. It changed my mindset and gave me the will to quit. I drank from 20 and earlier and quit when I was 47 last year. Dont wait that long. You are on the right track and know you need to quit. And quess what? Life gets way better and you are not going to miss drinking. Man up and do the right thing. We all have to quit at some point unless you want to go through hell then die. Alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE thing. Meaning it gets worse as time goes on unless you stop. Its just a fact. Best of luck to you. Oh and yea, dont go on the camping trip if you are serious about quitting. If it were me I'd just tell them I was trying to quit booze so bummer I wont be there. Say whatever you want to say, you know whats right for you. This is about you, not them.
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Old 07-20-2020, 06:25 PM
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Don’t go. You don’t need an excuse. Either you are serious about quitting or you’re not.
-Alcoholic
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Old 07-20-2020, 09:47 PM
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Obviously you know that it is best not to go somewhere that you know you'll be drinking. We all know this but I have done just that dozens of times.

All I can do right now is stay sober 1 day at a time. I can't think about events in the future. History has proven to me that when I start future tripping I end up drunk in the present.
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Old 07-21-2020, 06:11 PM
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Don’t drink today , that’s a start. Do not go on the trip it’s too early in your sobriety and if you stick too it . It probably won’t interest you down the road. Keep it in the day , find some support you’re in for a wild ride.
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Old 07-21-2020, 09:28 PM
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The pandemic is a really good reason for not going. And who wants to be in close quarters with drunks if they're not drinking? Too risky. I wouldn't go, not because I might drink, but because I know I wouldn't drink and would find the others boring and/or obnoxious after they'd had a few. I can think of better ways to spend my time and other places I'd rather be.
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