Originally Posted by
Aellyce2 
Sorry you drank, Mera. One question though: do you actually want to be 100% abstinent, long-term? Just asking, because you did try a lot of things for your recovery and this thing keeps repeating still somewhat, with lower frequency. You do achieve good chunks of seemingly satisfying sobriety, with these short intermittent drinking episodes here and there. I know this forum advocates for complete sobriety for addicts, but there are other approaches (they are called "harm reduction" and other things) as well, and many people actually find them a better fit and, ultimately, more manageable. This is not to validate your drinking, just looking for something realistic.
If you do strive for 100% sobriety though, then these arguments you usually report for picking up are not truly valid, as you also know. They are stressors and you do seem to have a lot of stresses in your life. The thing to do about them is to see whether they could be avoided in the first place, e.g. looking at your own choices, and to find other ways of coping. For example, these psychologist/psychiatrist people you see and often idealize... long-term on/off relationship... and some of the other things are direct consequences of your drinking.
What I am saying here is not what you might want to hear, just trying to say something different this time. In any case, I hope you get back on track again.
I really appreciate your straight forward honesty. You are correct, I find stress everywhere and use it as an excuse to drink. I want full sobriety, not harm management. I think the final break from my boyfriend is a good thing. He hated me when I was drinking yet regularly offered me wine when we dined together. He claimed to understand I couldn’t just have a glass like he could and would scream and yell if I got drunk, but the next week would pour me a glass of wine with lunch or dinner claiming I could learn to appreciate wine as a part of a meal, not a way to escape. Not his fault, non-alcoholics don’t understand. It is my responsibility to take care of myself. But he also seemed to hold the “harm reduction “ theory. As does my Italian psychologist. He says as long as I don’t do anything wrong, just lock myself in the house and get drunk in private then it is what it is. The important thing is the kids, my ex, whomever doesn’t know. But that’s not what I want. I want to be sober forever. Obviously I ****** up, but I’ll never stop trying.