Mera, I'm glad you came back to post. I recognize that pride that prevents us from connecting to the very people that can understand.
I've been through the cycle more times than I can count. Learning that I could get to the point of being powerless over the first drink is something I could have done without. But I guess not, because here I am. I understand how frustrating and demoralizing it is, this beating at the gate of true and lasting freedom from addiction. It's awful and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Sounds to me like maybe you're feeling terribly alone right now? That's hard, but maybe learning to be confident in your self-contained being is the thing to be learned (or relearned) here.
Just a thought.
O