Jttx81

And all I want right now is to drink. The first week sober was nice. The pink cloud, I think it's called. But after that I just feel - meh.

If I drink maybe I'll stop being such an irritable *******.

If I drink maybe my non existent sex drive will come back and I could make love to my girlfriend, instead of moping around this apartment feeling sorry for myself.

How ironic is it that allll they talk about is how alcohol is bad for your sex drive. Not mine! It took getting sober for mine to vanish. And I've never in my life ever had an issue in that department. I actually made myself look at porn last week when I was alone to see if I could even get a hard on. I could. The plumbing still works, so that's good. But the desire, the interest, is gone.

If I drink maybe I can relax. I haven't felt at ease or been able to unwind for a month.

If I drink maybe I can laugh. Or find interest in anything

Today I came home from work (I work nights) just drained. It took everything I could do just to walk the dog and take out the trash. Then I just laid on the couch feeling sorry for myself for a few hours.

Hell, when I was drinking I'd waste time laying on the couch as well, but at least then I was in a get mood. And I'd head to bed feeling great.

I know I'm romanticising the drink. I'm not thinking about the bad ****. Waking up feeling like ****, dehydrated. Worrying about getting a DWI at work. Worrying about getting fired for drinking on the job, something I did just to hold back the withdrawals. Not talking or getting close to anyone because I knew my body reeked of the booze ozzing out of my pores. The ******* shakes and constant fear of having a seizure.

I climbed that mountain. I don't want to go back. Today, I will not drink. I just need to vent.

And hopefully someone can level with me. Give it to me straight, doc...is this what sober life is?

I'm a well hydrated, herbal tea drinking, clean eating, sober raw irritable depressive, chain smoking, gaping nerve ending right now.

Rant over. Let me just clarify that I have no past history of mental illness or anything.

I'd also like to end on a good note, my plan to continue on sobriety.

Two things I need to start doing ASAP as possible is exercising and getting some sunlight in my life. Every day.

I know these are proven to make someone feel better. And seeing as how I work nights, I could use the vitamin D.

I want to start meditating and or doing yoga.

Things I'm currently doing: While I have no plans as if yet to go to AA, I am reading daily from the little black book. Also reading forums like this. I'm listening to This Naked Mind via audio book and honestly I don't care for it. But I'll finish it. I've listened to a few sober podcasts but can't find any I really like, yet.

Anyway, that's all I've got. Sorry for the long post!