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30 Days Sober. A rant.

Old 06-03-2020, 11:22 AM
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30 Days Sober. A rant.

And all I want right now is to drink. The first week sober was nice. The pink cloud, I think it's called. But after that I just feel - meh.

If I drink maybe I'll stop being such an irritable *******.

If I drink maybe my non existent sex drive will come back and I could make love to my girlfriend, instead of moping around this apartment feeling sorry for myself.

How ironic is it that allll they talk about is how alcohol is bad for your sex drive. Not mine! It took getting sober for mine to vanish. And I've never in my life ever had an issue in that department. I actually made myself look at porn last week when I was alone to see if I could even get a hard on. I could. The plumbing still works, so that's good. But the desire, the interest, is gone.

If I drink maybe I can relax. I haven't felt at ease or been able to unwind for a month.

If I drink maybe I can laugh. Or find interest in anything

Today I came home from work (I work nights) just drained. It took everything I could do just to walk the dog and take out the trash. Then I just laid on the couch feeling sorry for myself for a few hours.

Hell, when I was drinking I'd waste time laying on the couch as well, but at least then I was in a get mood. And I'd head to bed feeling great.

I know I'm romanticising the drink. I'm not thinking about the bad ****. Waking up feeling like ****, dehydrated. Worrying about getting a DWI at work. Worrying about getting fired for drinking on the job, something I did just to hold back the withdrawals. Not talking or getting close to anyone because I knew my body reeked of the booze ozzing out of my pores. The ******* shakes and constant fear of having a seizure.

I climbed that mountain. I don't want to go back. Today, I will not drink. I just need to vent.

And hopefully someone can level with me. Give it to me straight, doc...is this what sober life is?

I'm a well hydrated, herbal tea drinking, clean eating, sober raw irritable depressive, chain smoking, gaping nerve ending right now.

Rant over. Let me just clarify that I have no past history of mental illness or anything.

I'd also like to end on a good note, my plan to continue on sobriety.

Two things I need to start doing ASAP as possible is exercising and getting some sunlight in my life. Every day.

I know these are proven to make someone feel better. And seeing as how I work nights, I could use the vitamin D.

I want to start meditating and or doing yoga.

Things I'm currently doing: While I have no plans as if yet to go to AA, I am reading daily from the little black book. Also reading forums like this. I'm listening to This Naked Mind via audio book and honestly I don't care for it. But I'll finish it. I've listened to a few sober podcasts but can't find any I really like, yet.

Anyway, that's all I've got. Sorry for the long post!


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Old 06-03-2020, 12:42 PM
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It took me around 45-60days to get back to 'normal'..the drinking thoughts still came/went but,I felt more balanced in that time. Some feel better quicker and some it takes longer. Just keep doing the next best thing. Sun and exercise also helped me tremendously...I actually need to start doing more of that myself now that the lockdown is winding down.


Edit: Russell Brand has a book and podcast too about addiction.. it's pretty good and not as 'churchy' as some find AA to be.
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Old 06-03-2020, 01:06 PM
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Hi Jttx. I agree with DontRemember - it takes time & we're all different. Some are happy right away & never look back. I drank for decades & when I was first sober, I very disoriented for a while. I had to learn to live in a whole new way, since drinking was part of everything I did. I felt like I'd lost my best friend - which of course was absurd. Yes, I was grateful to no longer be trapped by it - needing to have it constantly available - but there wasn't much joy early on for me. After about 3 mos. I felt myself coming out into the sunshine. I finally saw that I could enjoy life again being stone cold sober - I did not need that buffer - didn't need to stay numb & foggy.

I spent some time feeling sorry for myself, remembering only the good times & forgetting the hell I put myself (and others) through. I think that's normal.
I'm glad you wanted to vent. We're here to encourage you. Be proud of your 30 hard earned days.
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Old 06-03-2020, 01:09 PM
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Congrats on 30 days. Sounds like you are right where you are supposed to be in early recovery. It's not easy, you don't get the instant gratification that drinking supplies. But what you get from not drinking is longer lasting. Stay strong.
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Old 06-03-2020, 01:21 PM
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One month sober is early in sobriety. It takes time for your body and brain to heal and get back to normal functioning. You won't feel this way forever. It gets better as long as you stay sober.
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Old 06-03-2020, 01:21 PM
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Congrats on 30 days. I think it takes time and it is up and down of feelings in the first couple of months. It will get better.
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Old 06-03-2020, 01:29 PM
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30 days sober is great.

For being irritable and unable to relax - those things won't likely come to you naturally. I had to take time to learn how to vent anger in a healthy way and how to relax without alcohol involved. Give yourself some time and be prepared to do the work involved. Recovery is SO much more than not drinking.

You are planning on exercise and sunshine - great. Meditating and yoga will help you enormously. Hang in there and you will look back on this time and be so grateful that you persisted.
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Old 06-03-2020, 01:44 PM
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I was sober late 2018 for 80+ days while doing a workout regime. 1st 2-3 weeks were rough...after that I felt in the best shape of my life. Physically and mentally. Then I slipped up and been off/on over the last year until a recent DUI. Trust me drinking doesn’t make anything better...but it sure tries to convince your brain it does.
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Old 06-03-2020, 02:13 PM
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No this is not what sobriety is like.
It’s been a month after what must be at least several years drinking, right?

It takes a while for our minds and bodies to heal from those years of self abuse...but healing will happen

My second 30 days (from 30-60) was a lot better. And then 60-90 better still.

Try and be patient. I remember how hard that is when you’re irritable as heck - but try and remember this is a transitory phase....transitioning to something better.

D
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Old 06-03-2020, 02:29 PM
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Congrats on 30 days! You are learning to live again and it's going to take some time. Be patient with yourself and try and enjoy your hangover free days.
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Old 06-03-2020, 02:29 PM
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I smiled as I read your post, not because you were frustrated and and mad, but because I could have written essentially the same thing when I first became sober. I think reconnecting with yourself and feeling normal takes time. I can't remember when I stopped having cravings early on, or when I started to feel normal again. The coolest part of being sober is that I can't remember the last time I didn't feel normal!

Give yourself time to recover and don't worry about the physical aspect of your relationship - it will all come in time. You seem like you are focused on the positive and committed to this moving forward so I am confident you will see the benefits in the long run. I still have crappy days, I still have days where it takes everything I have to get motivated after work, but that is also just part of the human condition too. Take care of yourself and recognize that your sobriety is the best thing you can do for yourself and others too.
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Old 06-03-2020, 07:51 PM
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no, this is not my experience of what sober life is.
though it is much of what newly sober life is often like.
sounds like you had one go-to for everything, which was drinking, and without that, now, you have no ways to deal with “real life” as it is for you right now.
you mention potentially attending AA...i’d encourage you to go, or to some other recovery meetings, such as Lifering or SMART. most are online now, so you can do that right from your couch
at the very least, you will meet some other folks and make a few connections if you want them and hear about what sober life can be like.
go for it
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Old 06-03-2020, 08:27 PM
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I drank for 30 years. It started out on a pink cloud. It took awhile before it became the ugly, dark cloud, black hole that was my bottom. It didn't happen in 30 days, it took 30 years to get there.

My sobriety started out on a pink cloud but that dissipated a fairly short time in and was replaced by unfamiliar uncharted territory. The good news is that as I became more familiar with the territory, my peace and serenity grew by leaps and bounds. As that happened, I rediscovered many things that I feared were lost and I looked at them with a new perspective and joy. Oh yeah, and by the way... it happened a lot quicker than 30 years!!!

Don't quit five minutes before the miracle. You never know when it will happen...but it will happen!!





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Old 06-04-2020, 09:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Jttx81 View Post

And hopefully someone can level with me. Give it to me straight, doc...is this what sober life is?
I was sober for a year back in 2016 and can relate to everything you wrote. In my experience with sobriety, how you are feeling currently is not at all how sober life feels. It probably took a good 6 months to feel less irritated and less anxious. Around a year I felt so good and confident about my sobriety that I thought I could handle just one night of drinking. I've been drinking for the past 4 years now. Don't do what I did.

It will get better, I promise. Stay busy, stay positive and hang in there!
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Old 06-04-2020, 10:42 AM
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If it's any consolation I'm in the same boat after 17 days. I've been doing yoga, meditating, going jogging, eating really well, lost 8lbs, in great shape already... the works. What am I supposed to do after 20 something years of booze being the most fun in my life?
Today it all just feels pointless because my life is completely empty even when I'm sober. I try to keep somewhat busy but there are awful times like right now where I just don't know what to do with myself. So yeah, I feel your pain.
At least you have your partner, I'm doing this on the back of a breakup during covid lockdown, so it could be worse bro.
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Old 06-04-2020, 11:19 AM
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I found adding in exercise as you mention was a really big help. Lifted my mood. Walking was and is my favourite. Works wonders.

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Old 06-05-2020, 06:03 PM
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hows it going jttx?

D
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Old 06-06-2020, 06:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
hows it going jttx?

D
About the same, Dee. Still not drinking, though. I'll be 33 days sober today. The dark unmotivated feel like a ****** person cloud is still hanging over me. Looking at options. Maybe therapy of some sort to figure out why I have to drink to be happy. Thanks for checking in.
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Old 06-06-2020, 06:20 AM
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Originally Posted by smilesdavis View Post
If it's any consolation I'm in the same boat after 17 days. I've been doing yoga, meditating, going jogging, eating really well, lost 8lbs, in great shape already... the works. What am I supposed to do after 20 something years of booze being the most fun in my life?
Today it all just feels pointless because my life is completely empty even when I'm sober. I try to keep somewhat busy but there are awful times like right now where I just don't know what to do with myself. So yeah, I feel your pain.
At least you have your partner, I'm doing this on the back of a breakup during covid lockdown, so it could be worse bro.
Agreed. It can always be worse. And I'm sorry to hear about your break up. I doubt I'd have made it 33 days sober without my girlfriend.
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Old 06-06-2020, 06:21 AM
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Originally Posted by secretchord View Post
I was sober for a year back in 2016 and can relate to everything you wrote. In my experience with sobriety, how you are feeling currently is not at all how sober life feels. It probably took a good 6 months to feel less irritated and less anxious. Around a year I felt so good and confident about my sobriety that I thought I could handle just one night of drinking. I've been drinking for the past 4 years now. Don't do what I did.

It will get better, I promise. Stay busy, stay positive and hang in there!
Thank you.
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