Aliyah, we are actually all rooting for you here, though it may not look like it.
i read your post and see you speak of what you wish, wish and wish, what you want, what you hope. and how it could be and would be if....
and in the meantime, there is reality. what actually is.
which is here and now, where you actually are. where he actually is. and how he actually is.
nothing wrong with hoping and wishing and dreaming of better, but when it stops me from taking actions on my own behalf to be safe and healthy, then that is a trap similar to any addiction.