Aliyah

Hi all

I am looking to speak to recovering heroin addicts or people in a similar situation.

I have alot to speak about, basically it started 3 years ago. We worked together and he asked to borrow money for transport. I gave it, it then became a regular thing. At first glance he looked like he had issues, he was very quiet some days, but other days he would be hyper. He would message me till 3am and blamed it on meds keeping him up. I started falling inlove with him. Later he told me he has a problem, heroin addiction but takes methadone to stop cravings.

Things started spinning out of control, i soon realized he stays up at night cos he is smoking. I would stay up with him since his chatting kept me out of sleep, i would then be exhausted for work the next day. He was sleeping at work, not performing and lost his job. He was never able to keep a job because of his addiction. He would leave work early to buy drugs or come to work late.

I really wanted to help him stop, i thought i could. I knew nothing at all about drugs, so he used me alot, for money and to get anything he wanted. He would say he has feelings for me when he is high, but the next day he would ignore me and have no contact with me and be very quiet. He has extreme moods and gets extremely angry. He has lied alot and tried to manipulate me into giving him money and when i don't, he would threaten with breaking up.

He says his clean since January, but inbetween, i found crumbled foil in his wallet with heroin burnt. I also saw him flush heroin down the toilet and when i asked him about it, he says he just found it. Also, he chats till 4am and this was what he did in the past when high. But this happend when he turkeyed off methadone. He says not taking methadone will keep him awake whole night cos of the cravings. I dont know if this is true since when he tapers methadone, he normally doesnt contact me at all cos he feels too sick. His family has accused him of using heroin during the lockdown. But he has no job, no money and how would he get it, since he is at home. He knows if he relapses, we wont get married.

I just need to speak to an addict that has used heroin for about 13years or more who can advise me on his behaviour, also how methadone affects your moods. And if getting off methadone gives the same signs as being high, since i dont understand why he chats so much and cant sleep when stopping methadone. He doesnt focus on what you're saying, its scary since i am not sure what is happening, is it just methadone withdrawal or did he relapse?

Dee74

Hi Aliyah
I have no experience with heroin or methadone but I wanted to welcome you anyway

It doesn't sound like there's a lot for you in this relationship right now?
I'd want to be able to trust someone before I married them.

I can't tell you to break up with this person, but please do think about whether this is the life you want to live.

What if things never get better...or they get worse?

D

ReadyAtLast

I'm sorry you are in this situation but what are you getting out of this relationship. It seems all about him and what you do for him. you can 't save him but you can save yourself and your sanity by walking away from this toxic person.

Misssy2

I'm pretty sure he is using again...I love someone on a similar drug...all the same symptoms....they are not going to get better until they are "ready" to get better or until they die. If I were you...maybe you can scare him straight (almost impossible, but not unlikely)...everyone has a different "bottom" who knows this might be his bottom - If it were me I would tell him there is no wedding because you are questioning what type of "marriage" you are in for. I would tell him he is affecting my sleep, which affects MY health and him messing around with his health is really pushing me over an edge to whether or not I now believe marriage is the right thing....And you know or "I" know marriage is certainly not the right thing at this moment when you "I" have so many questions.

And it will be hard but don't under any circumstances back down or get sweet with him about this mess. Don't let him manipulate you either...Your gut is telling you he is using and I am telling you he is using...He has all those behaviors....this is not how you want to live because this can go on forever.

I'm sorry you have lost sleep, money and time over this situation ...drugs just as alcohol are evil....evil, evil....they do not want you or him to be happy and unfortunately the drugs usually win.

Your too "healthy" to be in this situation or to enable his situation...Tell him you are cutting this off until he gets some help (and COVID can not be blamed because right now health care is more available than ever with them letting you call them on the phone or use a computer)….I would request at least a month of continued not using the drug...before I would even be open to another conversation with him about this.

I would say I am tired..I don't have the energy to determine what is true and what isn't....I need to step back and see what happens...Destiny will prevail.

zerothehero

Please reread what you wrote and then read about codependency.
Especially read the sentences you wrote immediately before, "I started falling in love with him."
Are you REALLY in love with him, or is something else going on?
You can't change him.
You can choose to stay with him and thus choose misery.
Or you could live a happy, healthy life.
Call me harsh, but you really need to listen closely to what you posted and what that means.
Again, read about codependency. Maybe go to an Alanon meeting (for people who love or think they love addicts).
Perhaps you love the wrong person.

Wastinglife

From my experience, and a good friend of mine was a Heroin addict, it's very hard for an opiate addict to quit. I am an alcoholic, tried lots of drugs in the past. Opiates just made me fall asleep.


I was in an inpatient rehab for 5 weeks years ago. Met a friend who was going through heroin withdrawal. It is hard to quit heroin. A heroin addict gets very sick. They would need professional help to do it. Rehab/detox with a few doctors/counselors there. I've seen how hard it is.


Have you mentioned that he needs professional help?

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation. I think that it would be a good idea to put the focus back on yourself. What do you want out of life? It sounds like this relationship has brought you pain and sadness. You could check out AlAnon in your town as a support for yourself.

fini

Aliyah,
welcome, and my suggestion is to check out the Friends and Family sections farther down the forums.

you are looking for advice on his behaviour, i know you said, and i don’t have any. my advice would be on your behaviour....look deeply at what relationship you are allowing yourself to be in, how your “helping” him has contributed, how you are with someone unreliable who lies, uses you for money, gets very angry and punitive when it is not forthcoming...that kind of thing.

least

Please think long and hard before you marry this guy. You deserve someone who loves you and respects you, neither of which he is demonstrating. Get out of there and make a good life for yourself.

Aliyah

Thank you so much for your replies, i didnt expect to get so many responses at all, wasn't expected one either. I really appreciate this.

MythOfSisyphus

I'm sorry for what you're going through, Aliyah, but I'm glad you found us here.

Aliyah

I love him so much and I believe he will stay clean. I just wish he would open up to me and allow me to give him some support. I believe he is clean even when no one else does. I will never give up on him. I feel he treats me badly since he himself doesn't know how to deal with what his going through. Maybe he doesn't need all my questions, maybe he just needs me as a friend to talk to. I wish I could just speak to him. I wish he could confide in me and i wish we could be there for each other, Life's short, who knows if we will live to see tomorrow. I didnt fall inlove with him because of his addiction or because he constantly needed me. I fell inlove with him because i could see his character, his good heart behind his problems. He would always give to the poor, the beggar on the street. He has a very kind heart. He is a Godly person too. Even though he has a problem, i feel that if it goes away, he could be the best partner in the world, the best son, the best brother and the best husband. Alll i wish is that he would confide in me, instead of pushing me away. All i want is to help him in his recovery. To make it easier for him. I never had an addiction problem. I have health problems but its nothing compared to addiction. No matter how sick i am, i was close to death recently, I would always put him first because i know addiction is worse than any type of illness. I understand addiction can't be compared to love. All i wish he could know is that i am not against him. I am trying to bring him closer to God, closer to what's right. I wish he could see that all i want is a normal healthy life for him.

I would like to make a prayer for everyone on this forum: Dear God, we start in your name, please help those in need, protect us from all evil and provide us with the support we need to overcome our fears. Grant us the courage to stand up against addictions and show us the light. Amen.

Thank you once again for this support platform.

zerothehero

Thanks for your prayers. It's clear you won't heed words of caution here. My response was rooted in my own experience. I lost girlfriend after girlfriend after girlfriend because of my drug use, and in retrospect, I'm glad they left me because they deserved better and it gave me pause. I wasn't good for any woman when I was younger. I was not the guy you would want your daughter to marry. I understand your desire to help (and by the way, giving him money or making excuses for him isn't help), but it took sitting alone and realizing no woman wants to marry a guy like me and no child deserves a father like me for me to wake up and work on myself.

My sisters all went through similar experiences with men, and it never worked out (one is now aging and alone, the other eventually married a man who has never even touched alcohol). He doesn't sound like the guy I would want my sister to marry. Whether you love him or not is actually irrelevant. Ask yourself this: Is he the man of my dreams? Is this the life I want to choose for myself? Is he a guy you would want your sister or best friend to marry? What would you tell your sister or your best friend?

Aliyah

That's the thing, he is the man of my dreams. What if he is trying very hard and all he needs is to recover and then we could start a new life? I don't want to desert him in his time of need. He was never this dedicated to recovery. He doesnt have any support. I wouldn't want a guy like this for anyone, but he has changed. Also not many people would deal with this. Maybe God chose me since I am so persistent and wont leave no matter what happens. But I guess I am only human and after each breakdown I started feeling like i don't have a purpose in his life, or he doesnt care how he treats me or if he looses me.

It really helps to talk to people who had similar experiences. Atleast I know I am not alone. This isn't something which I could openly speak about. So this helps alot.

Aliyah

I must be honest, I was hoping on someone to tell me to continue to support him but everyone says i should leave... I know logically its the right thing to do. But the heart doesn't think with the mind. I know many would say "I told you", but its just very hard for me to leave, and that's why I am hear today. Just for some support while he is going through motions of recovery and not speaking. Just trying to understand what's normal and what's not in the life of an addict and their partner and how life is after being clean, will there be light at the end of the tunnel? Only time will tell...

smilesdavis

No, he's the man of your nightmares. You must have serious issues yourself to stay involved with someone like that. The best advice would to to run as far as you can from that man and never look back, and get some serious help for yourself.

biminiblue

Okay - well, sounds like you've made up your mind to stand by your man.

I would highly suggest you go to the forum for Friends and Family (of addicts.) We're telling it to you straight because we have all been there in one way or another or we wouldn't be here, and it's not what you want to hear.

I used to be that girl. The one who blindly let herself be abused. I can tell you it is a much more peaceful place to be away from that kind of "love."


It's not love. It's dependence and insecurity and fear and control - on both your parts.

Friends and Family: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family

Anna

His addiction won't go away and being in recovery doesn't mean life will be perfect. Far from it. It means we can learn to manage the ups and downs in our lives, but to think this will be perfect some day is only wishful thinking.

You are putting so much effort and energy on this man and it seems to me you are completely ignoring your own needs. Try to focus on yourself and what you want and need from life. Check out AlAnon in your town as a support for you.

fini

Aliyah, we are actually all rooting for you here, though it may not look like it.
i read your post and see you speak of what you wish, wish and wish, what you want, what you hope. and how it could be and would be if....
and in the meantime, there is reality. what actually is.
which is here and now, where you actually are. where he actually is. and how he actually is.
nothing wrong with hoping and wishing and dreaming of better, but when it stops me from taking actions on my own behalf to be safe and healthy, then that is a trap similar to any addiction.

Aliyah

I went over to the Friends and Family forum and came across a post of someone with the exact same problem. Her boyfriend was tapering off methadone. He was distant, irritable, angry and verbally abusive with her and she couldn't understand his behavior since it was drug-like symptoms, but she believed he was clean. As time past, she noticed he received calls at odd hours of the night and they weren't saved. He would run errands. They broke up after a huge argument (happens to me all the time) and a few months later, he was found dead. Liver failure. Cause of death...OD. He called his new gf at that time, she said she was busy (also an addict), he then called his sister, she said she'll call back. He died alone in his house and the body was found after 6 days. It would be sad to loose your life with no one to call for help, since everyone is done helping you.

A recovered addict commented and said that methadone doesn't make you verbally abusive and treat people in a bad way and addicts should stop blaming withdrawals as the reason for their irrational behavior.

I would just like to thank everyone in this post. Thank you once again and if there is anyone out there who is going through this struggle, please reach out, but yes, I will move over the the Friends and Family...Just wanted to inform you of my find.