Obladi

Hi,
I'm glad you spoke up. I dare say every person on this site would be happy to help you with daily accountability, though carl is (as usual) correct - the only one who's going to keep you sober is yourself.
I don't think your mental obsession is all that unique - I'd guess that every single person who relapses after the acute phase of withdrawal suffers from that same "behavioral" problem. But I also understand what you mean by seeing that way - it's hard to compute addiction because it really is so irrational beyond the physical withdrawal stage. It wasn't until the last few years that I've accepted that insanity exists for real - that my brain goes to alcohol as some sort of twisted survival instinct.
When I started recognizing that I had a problem lo those many years ago, I also didn't suffer from the more taxing consequences; no hangovers, work wasn't impacted, my life was overall pretty ok. But it wasn't. I struggled with all kinds of "outside issues" that were really symptoms of my inside issues. The guilt of doing this behavior that I knew was wrong for me was present pretty much 24/7. I can't say I ever rationalized that I wasn't "that bad;" I know myself and I knew it was. The thing I didn't understand and couldn't possibly know is how much worse it could get. Bottom after bottom has revealed to me that my only True Bottom is 6 feet under.
It is absolutely not wrong to be dependent on others to help you with this problem. Countless people have found any number of ways to recover and want to share their experience with you. What's tricky is that you may need to find your own way. My way may not work for you, but I'd love to share it.
Continue posting here - on this very thread if you like. I promise people will come looking for you if you post every day and then go on the lam.
O