Lascaux

I've been an on and off heavy drinker for many years. Always an introvert and having enough control to be sober for work hours, but once off shift alcohol is my life focus. I don't hurt anyone but myself, but my evenings consist of a good movie, vodka and early bedtime. I can't ask family for help - they equate any failing with moral weakness and would totally crush me. The funny thing is that my addiction is behavioral and not physical. Sober Sundays are fun - the ABC stores are closed and I don't have any taste for beer and wine available to the grocery. But come Monday I'm off to the liquor store.I haven't hit "rock bottom" in any dramatic sense, but miss feeling good about myself and being able to pray without crushing guilt. What do I need to add to my toolkit to get past this? I feel like if I could promise to one person that I would be sober each day (and would be called to task if I didn't check in) I could get some momentum and regain some self-respect. Is it wrong to be dependent? I found a cute illustrated book where one character asked of another "What's the bravest thing you ever said?" and the other said "Help".I'm not even brave enough to say it to someone else, but yes please "Help".

Bilr44

Thanks for your post. You are a lot like I was. I typically only drank vodka from around 7:00 pm to around 10:00 every night. I never suffered blackouts and have never been on a bender. I was even running 4-5 miles a day if you can believe that. I knew I had a problem because I was hiding my drinking and would be super irritated if I didn’t get my usual amount. I could have 1,000 bottles of the finest wine in the house and have zero temptations, but don’t leave a bottle of vodka lying around. I finally had enough about 8 weeks ago and decided enough was enough. I was super bored at night for the first several weeks but things are slowly getting better.

doggonecarl

There are daily support threads you can post to every day. The class of April if you quit drinking today. But in the long run, you need to be accountable to yourself.

Please don't presume that because you don't have a physical addiction that you "aren't that bad." When you can't quit despite the desire to do so, it's bad enough.

Obladi

Hi,
I'm glad you spoke up. I dare say every person on this site would be happy to help you with daily accountability, though carl is (as usual) correct - the only one who's going to keep you sober is yourself.
I don't think your mental obsession is all that unique - I'd guess that every single person who relapses after the acute phase of withdrawal suffers from that same "behavioral" problem. But I also understand what you mean by seeing that way - it's hard to compute addiction because it really is so irrational beyond the physical withdrawal stage. It wasn't until the last few years that I've accepted that insanity exists for real - that my brain goes to alcohol as some sort of twisted survival instinct.
When I started recognizing that I had a problem lo those many years ago, I also didn't suffer from the more taxing consequences; no hangovers, work wasn't impacted, my life was overall pretty ok. But it wasn't. I struggled with all kinds of "outside issues" that were really symptoms of my inside issues. The guilt of doing this behavior that I knew was wrong for me was present pretty much 24/7. I can't say I ever rationalized that I wasn't "that bad;" I know myself and I knew it was. The thing I didn't understand and couldn't possibly know is how much worse it could get. Bottom after bottom has revealed to me that my only True Bottom is 6 feet under.
It is absolutely not wrong to be dependent on others to help you with this problem. Countless people have found any number of ways to recover and want to share their experience with you. What's tricky is that you may need to find your own way. My way may not work for you, but I'd love to share it.
Continue posting here - on this very thread if you like. I promise people will come looking for you if you post every day and then go on the lam.
O

fini

Ah, we cannot call you to task or hold you accountable, Lascaux. But you can certainly promise me you will be sober each day since you think that will help you with momentum.What concrete actions are you willing to put into this?

SnazzyDresser

You're capable of a lot more than you know. Start posting in the monthly Newcomers forum class thread, it'll be April 2020. Just jump in there and say hi and that you're joining, they will greet you warmly in return. People here are pretty nice as a rule, I'd say! Keep reading in SR, keep posting every day, soak it all up. Find something that clicks with you that'll keep you sober all day, keep tinkering. Keep after it. Sobriety is a skill we can learn with close attention and skillful practice, it ain't magic.
We're glad you made the SR scene, Lascaux. It's a happening scene, that's for sure.Btw your name and avatar remind me of the great Steely Dan song Caves of Altamira. Evidently Altamira is to Spain what Lascaux is to France.

Tetrax

Well it looks like you've already posted here plenty so you must know chucking in the towel is well overdue. I know you label yourself a 'heavy drinker' but put it this way AA wouldn't turn you away. Get out before you hit rock bottom; the climb back up won't be as arduous. Post on SR every day, preferably on multiple threads.
Good luck.

Dee74

Try the April thread Lascaux - a lot of people have found that having support, and using that support when you need it, can help you make the changes you want to see

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rt-two-14.html
D

Dropsie

Welcome Lascaux.
I am not in the least physically addicted to alcohol, and I kept that as my excuse to drink. And just the fact that I needed an excuse, enough said.
Thing is -- the tricky thing about alcohol is that the worst part of the addiction is not physical. For me, as O said, my brain goes to alcohol as some sort of twisted survival instinct.
That means I am addicted. And even if I am not in some techncial sense, who cares, all it did was ruin my life like a really super shi$$y BF.
Stop awhile, sit awhile, you will see how much better life can be without having to think about drinking ever again.
Such freedom.

Dee74

Hows it going Lascaux?
D

Gottalife

No, but who do you choose to be dependent on? Dependence on anything human has reliability issues or, as my sponsor put it 'People have feet of clay".

3PHXWATER

I can 100% relate. I am a bedtime vodka drinker. Start at about 7pm (watching that clock because I don't want to start too early in fear that will be a downward spiral) and I'm blacked out by about 8:30-9pm. I am in the same boat as you, scared to make the first move. I feel so strong and brave all day and then night time comes and I just can't do it. And like you, I also keep my secret to myself. So, I don't have any advice for the toolkit, but you're not alone!