Day 8
Hi Guys,
Day 8 here and just like I said in my previous posts I knew the booze dragon would not let me go easy. Yesterday was a Mother********. One of my big triggers is arguing with my GF of 15 years. In therapy the last year I uncovered a lot **** when I was a kid etc..blah blah. Yep it's painful and I have tried over years to drown the pain to no avail. Long story short I started BS with GF and man o man was it a nail biter. The cognitive dissonance in my head was INSANE to say the least. Drink, don't drink over and over. Talked to a couple buddies who don't drink and it helped a bit but man I was close.
Well the new mindset won out and I did not drink. I been keeping a journal and it was good to write out why it was a trigger etc. It made me CLEARLY see how I was trying to self medicate with alcohol. Sure it worked for a few hours, still does, but it's the aftermath that has become hell on earth. I suppose emotions are raw in the beginning and without my usual medication I feel like a child learning how to cope again and I am 52. Why I drink, emotional pain, how to cope is why I brought in the therapist.
Feel way better today and I am SUPER happy with myself that I did not wake up with a bunch of empty beer cans and an empty fifth. All that would have done would have taken fight with GF to next level and gone on for days, I'd be shaking like leaf and feeling like hell and banging brews in the am, Anxiety insane and depression. It would then go on for days. Rinse Wash Repeat and the cycle of hell continues.
I didn't allude myself that this would be easy. Nothing worth anything in life never is. I am bound and determined to get sober and repair my mind from the damage drinking has done. I started working out again. I am taking it slow but I feel better for doing something. I am bound and determined to hang until I get what both of my sober buddies keep telling me. " life is so much easier sober and you will have an even better time sober vs. drunk". Nowhere close to that right now but the thing for me I knew both these guys drunk, one sober like 11 years the other 2, and both are night day different in a good way and happy. I know it will take time but dammit I am going to at least hang out without a drink till I get to the point they talk about and if miserable at that point I can always go back to the hell of the bottle.
Heading out float fishing tomorrow down the river. I can't even remember the last time I floated without a beer and whiskey in the cooler. I fish a lot, around 70-90 days a year. It's nice to feel free of not having to stock the cooler.
Thanks for letting me rant