Hi, Manta!
I am really sorry that I wasn't here last night when you asked for help. I was sound asleep at the time.
When I checked SR today and saw your posts I thought "Oh, no".
I am glad you've overcome the initial impulse to cut the weekenders off.
I know this feeling though - when I am losing all hope, all I want is to crawl into my cave, "fix" myself somehow, be reborn into a new me, and only then show up back into the world being the version of myself I am proud of.
But I am never "strong" enough to spend the time required in my cave - I am tempted to go outside and breathe some fresh air, shoot the breeze with someone, make some another "far from being perfect" move.
And you deserve help when you need it. You are not wasting time of services. Who decides what amount of pain is unbearable enough to be qualified to get help? Which problems are "real" and which are "self-inflicted"? Just because the problem doesn't involve directly another person or a tragic event, its detrimental effect doesn't lose its power.
The consequences of traumas are non-linear, they sometimes seem to be well forgotten, but then deviously emerge with a renewed torturing force.
For me the hardest moment is when I am slipping into "what's the point in all this" state.
What is your hardest moment? What's your "booby-trap" state of mind or a trigger when one awkward step results into an explosion which tears everything apart.
I personally don't believe in prayer - never works for me. I believe in letting go in a sense that uncertainty holds both challenges and new opportunities which are being created at this moment. Letting go - that I don't need to pile every problem in the world on my shoulders and feel guilty for everything that goes wrong around me, letting myself to be human above all and not be afraid of my feelings and thoughts.
Ok, I am getting too deep into philosophy.
You are a good person, Manta. And it hurts to see how you are ruthlessly beating yourself up for being human (I am quite the same, to be honest).
I want to say Leigh huge thanks for supporting you yesterday.
PM me, if you still want to talk. Have you cleared you pm box?
Please, take care of yourself.
You have a fireplace, no?
Can you make yourself a big cup of delicious tea, or cocoa, cuddle your furry friends, watch the fire and think of absolutely nothing. Just watch flames dancing, emerging and fading away. You don't need to manage it, fix it, control it - just watch. Let your thoughts fade away, dissolve in nothingness.
((Big hugs to you))
Hang on.