Manta, I'm sorry I missed all this until now. At least you did reach out. Maybe next time you'll reach out before the drinking starts? I hope so?
You are not a loser. You are a person who is addicted. Keep trying. Don't give up. Many of us tried many times to quit, before it finally stuck. You can do this.
You've been so helpful to so many here, let us help you now. Next time that urge to drink starts up, come here first. We can help you ride it out.