I hope you'll call someone if you feel such despair Manta.
I know there;s a pandemic on but mental health is important too.
If you feel like you might do yourself harm at least ring someone like the Samaritans, if not your Doctor.
Addiction makes us forget things,
You got sober and you stayed sober - you have that capacity in you
Think back to the rehab and the skills and tools you were given there.
I bet they still work?
D