My mum knows I am drinking again. She is angry and disappointed and I get that but I am angry that she is angry if that makes any sense?!?! I know I have to face her disappointment and questioning tomorrow, it’s making me super anxious.
My older cat Alfie knows something is not right and i am currently laying in bed and he is sat on my chest purring and rubbing his face on me. He doesn’t know me as an alcoholic. I feel so sad for him having me as his family. Both my boys deserve better than this. I care more about them than I do myself!
I am so sad I am here again, slap bang in the grip of addiction. What is wrong with me? I am such a failure and just don’t want to be in this place but here I damn well are...again! It was so great to talk to another human being, I don’t think I can express my gratitude enough. Thankfully after the call I was so drunk I passed out and woke up 6 hours later and at least couldn’t do anymore damage in this time.
Having stupid thoughts about throwing away my phone, getting a new number so I cannot call anyone when I am in this state as won’t have their numbers in the cloud. I am not going to action any of this but I honestly want to just end it all. I don’t want to be alive anymore and I am angry that I cannot do anything about that without causing pain for those that do care about or pain with no guarantee it will work for me.
I’m lost all over again x