Ok Venus , I've been holding back as I don't want to keep bleating on about the same thing! But it's on my mind and I hope you all do the favour of bearing with me (or just ignoring me whilst I rattle on).

So we've spoken a bit this week. She is resolute that we need to separate but has conceded that this may not be permanent. That to me is a huge step forward. She's cold to me still and that hurts me, not because I can't cope but because it's a constant reminder how much I've hurt such a sweet, gentle soul.

It's really hard to know where I stand. On one hand she's resolute and is adamant that the relationship
isn't saveable and she doesn't really want to save it. On the other she says she is confused; she hasn't planned anything practical to split up; and we get on fine (until I point that out and then she starts being off with me!!).

In terms of what I do know - until c19 is over we stay living together. I keep telling her the same thing - I will give her the space she needs...if that is permanent it will break my heart but I'll do everything to make it as painless as possible for her and kids. But I keep asking her to not close the door completely, let time do it's work. That's a pointless message as of course now she feels the way she does and probably can't imagine feeling different...but I believe with time we could work it out.

Im confused and hurting; I'm grateful for c19 and the continuity which is vital to my sobriety. I'm really working hard on myself which is cool because no matter what happens I need to be do that. I'm a bit worried that last few days I'm feeling low and a bit bored, I'm going to need to think of something new to take on to give me purpose for my time

I'm journaling daily, especially about anxieties/worries and I balance these with my hopes/best case scenario. Today I won't need to as it's all here