The most dangerous thing I could ever do as a child in my "toxic family" was to stand still and do nothing. Either I had to run for my life, or run to the abuser and comfort them thru their insanity. If I made the wrong choice I would pay for it in a big way. I learned to pay extreme attention to even the smallest subtleties of my parents' behavior in an attempt to safely predict their needs and reactions. Over the years I got pretty good at it.
My reflexes and habits still operate that way. Whenever I am in a situation where I don't have enough information to make a decision I feel the old panic rising up again. My whole insides is screaming that I have to make a decision immediately, and it better be the right decision, or I'm going to get seriously hurt. Arranging my life so that everything is black or white is an easy way to avoid that old panic. Avoiding involvment with people, places or things that have an amount of unpredictability is a safe place for me.
There's a price I have to pay for that "safe place". As a child it was smart to seek those safe places. As an adult I find that those same "safe" places take me away from friendship, intimacy, happiness, joy and freedom. I am learning that "moderation" is a healthier way to live. Black and white saved my life as a kid, but as an adult I have discovered color. Now there's red and green to replace black and white, and a whole rainbow of other colors to enjoy all the in-between places I never knew before.
Mike :-)