I could have posted your exact post on January 11th, 2020. I was a binge drinker as well... blackouts, thinking I could have just 1, disappointed family (including 2 kids), shame, guilt, many Day 1s, etc. The only think that has kept me sober this time is I have a plan and I stick to it.
1. The feelings of anxiety over past behavior do subside, but it takes time.
2. My kids and husband were horribly disappointed in me. I talked with my sponsor about this and she asked (in more gentle words than I’m using), “Can you blame them?” It will take time. Your son probably needs to see you sober for a decent amount of time.
3. As far as my plan, I joined AA online and am working the Steps (any program with a proven track record will work), I joined SR and am active in my January class as well as a couple of other daily threads, I told my immediate family and a few select friends, I write 10 things I’m grateful for every single morning, I downloaded a sobriety app on my phone, I downloaded a sobriety prayer and meditation app on my phone, I completed sobriety plans on a Bible app I have, I read recovery books in my first few weeks, I talk openly with my husband and kids about my sobriety. I found that having to hold myself accountable to other people has been what has helped me the most so far.
Before this time, the only thing I did was tell my family that I would quit drinking, and apologized to them. That didn’t work for me. It does get better.
Hang in there!