Needing hugs
Hey sr fam.
Checking in at day 288. SO grateful to be able to say that.
I have been having a very rough time emotionally though.
I have virtually no relationships. I hate my family and it sucks to say that because I'm pretty sure other people have disowned their families for less than mine have done but I'm still so infantile and emotionally dependent on them. I need their approval so bad and I go crazy for hours when I don't get it. Thats a sickness for sure. I need to cut the umbilical cord because I reach out to them on an almost daily basis looking for love, support, acceptance, understanding, and I get harsh criticism and bewildered and snide comments. What am I doing? I'm financially independent, infact they request of me. Yet I feel I'm the odd man out desperately trying to fit in. And I don't fit in. Especially now.
Add to this the fact that even though I met some incredible caring sober people I just haven't formed any real friendships so far. Everyone is busy or more likely just busy with their actual friends. I hear people in meetings talking about fellowship all of the time but I don't have those opportunities. Furthermore, the only friends that did stick around were people who wanted something from, sex if it was a man, money if it was a woman. So I put my foot down but then I end up all alone.
I don't know, I know I have social anxiety and I don't feel comfortable around people at first so many probably dismiss me as unfriendly. But I have consistently tried to reach out via text to many woman, and they'l respond, but no one will take initiative to reach out to me, except for one woman.
What do I need to learn from this? I'm starting from spiritual scratch. My kids and my cats are my only reasons to smile. I tried putting on a fake smile today just because I needed it. I feel super alone but its hard to open up at meetings, I rarely talk. Another thing that sucks is it may just be where I live. I went to miami on vacation and those ladies fellowshipped the hell out of me. I mean for one week I was surrounded by women, introduced to many, taken here and there, invited to private house meetings. And the meetings were held so that we went around the room and everyone had to share. The fact that I had to share actually made it easier for me. So thats the true AA experience I wish I could have here.
Just need a hug. I know it'll be okay.