Needing hugs
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Needing hugs
Hey sr fam.
Checking in at day 288. SO grateful to be able to say that.
I have been having a very rough time emotionally though.
I have virtually no relationships. I hate my family and it sucks to say that because I'm pretty sure other people have disowned their families for less than mine have done but I'm still so infantile and emotionally dependent on them. I need their approval so bad and I go crazy for hours when I don't get it. Thats a sickness for sure. I need to cut the umbilical cord because I reach out to them on an almost daily basis looking for love, support, acceptance, understanding, and I get harsh criticism and bewildered and snide comments. What am I doing? I'm financially independent, infact they request of me. Yet I feel I'm the odd man out desperately trying to fit in. And I don't fit in. Especially now.
Add to this the fact that even though I met some incredible caring sober people I just haven't formed any real friendships so far. Everyone is busy or more likely just busy with their actual friends. I hear people in meetings talking about fellowship all of the time but I don't have those opportunities. Furthermore, the only friends that did stick around were people who wanted something from, sex if it was a man, money if it was a woman. So I put my foot down but then I end up all alone.
I don't know, I know I have social anxiety and I don't feel comfortable around people at first so many probably dismiss me as unfriendly. But I have consistently tried to reach out via text to many woman, and they'l respond, but no one will take initiative to reach out to me, except for one woman.
What do I need to learn from this? I'm starting from spiritual scratch. My kids and my cats are my only reasons to smile. I tried putting on a fake smile today just because I needed it. I feel super alone but its hard to open up at meetings, I rarely talk. Another thing that sucks is it may just be where I live. I went to miami on vacation and those ladies fellowshipped the hell out of me. I mean for one week I was surrounded by women, introduced to many, taken here and there, invited to private house meetings. And the meetings were held so that we went around the room and everyone had to share. The fact that I had to share actually made it easier for me. So thats the true AA experience I wish I could have here.
Just need a hug. I know it'll be okay.
Checking in at day 288. SO grateful to be able to say that.
I have been having a very rough time emotionally though.
I have virtually no relationships. I hate my family and it sucks to say that because I'm pretty sure other people have disowned their families for less than mine have done but I'm still so infantile and emotionally dependent on them. I need their approval so bad and I go crazy for hours when I don't get it. Thats a sickness for sure. I need to cut the umbilical cord because I reach out to them on an almost daily basis looking for love, support, acceptance, understanding, and I get harsh criticism and bewildered and snide comments. What am I doing? I'm financially independent, infact they request of me. Yet I feel I'm the odd man out desperately trying to fit in. And I don't fit in. Especially now.
Add to this the fact that even though I met some incredible caring sober people I just haven't formed any real friendships so far. Everyone is busy or more likely just busy with their actual friends. I hear people in meetings talking about fellowship all of the time but I don't have those opportunities. Furthermore, the only friends that did stick around were people who wanted something from, sex if it was a man, money if it was a woman. So I put my foot down but then I end up all alone.
I don't know, I know I have social anxiety and I don't feel comfortable around people at first so many probably dismiss me as unfriendly. But I have consistently tried to reach out via text to many woman, and they'l respond, but no one will take initiative to reach out to me, except for one woman.
What do I need to learn from this? I'm starting from spiritual scratch. My kids and my cats are my only reasons to smile. I tried putting on a fake smile today just because I needed it. I feel super alone but its hard to open up at meetings, I rarely talk. Another thing that sucks is it may just be where I live. I went to miami on vacation and those ladies fellowshipped the hell out of me. I mean for one week I was surrounded by women, introduced to many, taken here and there, invited to private house meetings. And the meetings were held so that we went around the room and everyone had to share. The fact that I had to share actually made it easier for me. So thats the true AA experience I wish I could have here.
Just need a hug. I know it'll be okay.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm sorry that things are not going great at the moment LLG.
Its hard to make new friends when it seems like drinking is a part of most peoples lives - but I've found people who don't drink at all, or who don't make drinking into a lifestyle...they leave half a beer, for petes sake
I'm not longer triggered by drinkers or drinking., I prefer this way of life. Its my 'meant to be'
I hope you can get into some hobbies or interests and make some friendship connections, cos you seem like a nice person to me, and nice people deserve friends
D
Its hard to make new friends when it seems like drinking is a part of most peoples lives - but I've found people who don't drink at all, or who don't make drinking into a lifestyle...they leave half a beer, for petes sake
I'm not longer triggered by drinkers or drinking., I prefer this way of life. Its my 'meant to be'
I hope you can get into some hobbies or interests and make some friendship connections, cos you seem like a nice person to me, and nice people deserve friends
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Oh LLG, I so relate. Well to most of it. I do have a good relationship with my family and they support me )not the other way around) but I feel so needy and infantile all the time.
I also call my mom, her partner (my other mom) and my dad daily. I just need to hear them and have their support.
I also have no real friends here where I am. I have tried but it is very difficult to make friends as an adult.
I am in the middle of a nasty custody battle so i only see my kids three times a week for limited amounts of time, but they are what bring me joy. I do have a "boyfriend" but really we are just sort of dating without seeing other people. We see each other about once a week or so.
I am lonely and feel lost.
I have recently started working very diligently on this though. I have come to see and accept that I have been a "drama queen", victim and emotional vampire for a very long time. I am not saying you are this, but it might be something to look into. I am trying not to be so needy and to not suck the energy out of all those around me. I hope this will mean I can form new relationships, positive ones.
One thing I am doing to try and improve this is to not focus on myself at all. I am trying to reach out to at least one person a day and ask about them, what they are going through, how they are doing. I have one woman, a potential friend, who i am really working on this with. She is a British woman, so we can speak in English (I live in Italy and Italian is my second language and although nearly fluent I don't feel "myself" when speaking in Italian). She has been there for me so many times. I have called her and spouted out dramatically, frantic, talking about only my problems. She has come to my house before to be there with me. But I recently asked how she was doing.... I realised i hadn't done that before. She opened up about her own problems. So now I try to check in with her a few times a week asking how she is doing, if there is anything I can help her with, what she is feeling/thinking and I really listen and care for her. Now when I call my moms and my dad I start the conversation by asking what they are doing that day, how they are, etc.
With my boyfriend I am working on being a better girlfriend by not dumping all my "stuff" on him. I ask how work is, what his plans for the day are, how his sons are doing, etc.
I don't know if this is helpful but I am trying to be.
Next part, learning to say no is so critical. To sex, to money loaning, to anything you just can't do. I have had a very hard time with that in the past as well but am getting better. This is a tough one but very important I think. You ned to learn that you are valuable and worthy even if you don't give out certain things like sex or money.
I think all of this was a bit of rambling but I just wanted to say I relate to your feelings and wish you strength and hope.
I also call my mom, her partner (my other mom) and my dad daily. I just need to hear them and have their support.
I also have no real friends here where I am. I have tried but it is very difficult to make friends as an adult.
I am in the middle of a nasty custody battle so i only see my kids three times a week for limited amounts of time, but they are what bring me joy. I do have a "boyfriend" but really we are just sort of dating without seeing other people. We see each other about once a week or so.
I am lonely and feel lost.
I have recently started working very diligently on this though. I have come to see and accept that I have been a "drama queen", victim and emotional vampire for a very long time. I am not saying you are this, but it might be something to look into. I am trying not to be so needy and to not suck the energy out of all those around me. I hope this will mean I can form new relationships, positive ones.
One thing I am doing to try and improve this is to not focus on myself at all. I am trying to reach out to at least one person a day and ask about them, what they are going through, how they are doing. I have one woman, a potential friend, who i am really working on this with. She is a British woman, so we can speak in English (I live in Italy and Italian is my second language and although nearly fluent I don't feel "myself" when speaking in Italian). She has been there for me so many times. I have called her and spouted out dramatically, frantic, talking about only my problems. She has come to my house before to be there with me. But I recently asked how she was doing.... I realised i hadn't done that before. She opened up about her own problems. So now I try to check in with her a few times a week asking how she is doing, if there is anything I can help her with, what she is feeling/thinking and I really listen and care for her. Now when I call my moms and my dad I start the conversation by asking what they are doing that day, how they are, etc.
With my boyfriend I am working on being a better girlfriend by not dumping all my "stuff" on him. I ask how work is, what his plans for the day are, how his sons are doing, etc.
I don't know if this is helpful but I am trying to be.
Next part, learning to say no is so critical. To sex, to money loaning, to anything you just can't do. I have had a very hard time with that in the past as well but am getting better. This is a tough one but very important I think. You ned to learn that you are valuable and worthy even if you don't give out certain things like sex or money.
I think all of this was a bit of rambling but I just wanted to say I relate to your feelings and wish you strength and hope.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I'm sorry that you're struggling and feeling so alone.
What turned things around for me in early recovery was volunteer work. I got very involved in a group in my community and it helped me so much to get outside of myself and to really focus on other people. It's also a great place to meet new (sober) people.
What turned things around for me in early recovery was volunteer work. I got very involved in a group in my community and it helped me so much to get outside of myself and to really focus on other people. It's also a great place to meet new (sober) people.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,202
288 days - that means you have past the 9 months marker. Well done LLG.
I really would try to develop a less needy relationship with your family. That way you will be able to ascertain if they care about you too or are just using you as a cash box.
As far as making friends go Anna's volunteering or maybe a class to learn something is not a bad idea as you get to meet people over a period of time. I get the impression being a single mum makes it harder too and I don't mean just in your case, I think that might be true more generally so it is not all down to you. Hang in there LLG.
I really would try to develop a less needy relationship with your family. That way you will be able to ascertain if they care about you too or are just using you as a cash box.
As far as making friends go Anna's volunteering or maybe a class to learn something is not a bad idea as you get to meet people over a period of time. I get the impression being a single mum makes it harder too and I don't mean just in your case, I think that might be true more generally so it is not all down to you. Hang in there LLG.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
We're really happy you're here, LLG.
I admire your persistence.
If you have an abundance of meetings where you live, I would definitely seek some out.
For me, many of my enduring friendships have been with other people in recovery.
We love you.
I admire your persistence.
If you have an abundance of meetings where you live, I would definitely seek some out.
For me, many of my enduring friendships have been with other people in recovery.
We love you.
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Thank you guys sooo much I really take your kind words to heart. I will be patient, try not to focus on myself, and look into other meetings and volunteering 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,668
I contribute to different threads in SR. I have a fairly solitary lifestyle and trusting others is very difficult for me to achieve. I do try, on occasions to pop my head up out of the sand (like a Meerkat) and when no danger is obvious- try to get out of my comfort zone when people do invite me to do social activities. I find talking with my psychologist helps too- plus my GP to keep an eye on my depression and anxiety.
My support to you, LLG.
My support to you, LLG.
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ 
I contribute to different threads in SR. I have a fairly solitary lifestyle and trusting others is very difficult for me to achieve. I do try, on occasions to pop my head up out of the sand (like a Meerkat) and when no danger is obvious- try to get out of my comfort zone when people do invite me to do social activities. I find talking with my psychologist helps too- plus my GP to keep an eye on my depression and anxiety.
My support to you, LLG.
My support to you, LLG.
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