sotired…….I suggest that you look into the power of positive self talk. You have negative self talk....which you do so automatically that you are not aware of it.....it tells you to feel guilty...it tells you that you are responsible (even when you know you are not)...it tells you to feel sorry for him (even when you know he is manipulating you)…..
Negative self talk...which we mostly carry from messages that we received about ourselves, growing up.....just underlines our low self esteem an saddles us with self doubt and loss of self confidence.....
It takes an intentional practice to combat the negative talk.....and, replacing it with more accurate positive self talk....
If you go on amazon.com...in the book section...you will find any number of books on this subject of self talk...and, some workbooks, also. I think you would really benefit from selecting one and begin to work on your self talk.....