Help! I left and I’m struggling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Help! I left and I’m struggling
So 7 months ago, my AH achieved sobriety. Although we were happy, I occasionally had PTSD-like symptoms where something would trigger me and I would start getting anxious/worried that he was going to relapse. Someone on here suggested that I make a plan in case he did relapse. Well this worked! I felt at ease knowing that I had a plan to leave if he ever relapsed again. Well, that day came 2 weeks ago. I immediately went into action. I made him sign the divorce papers (I already had them prepared and ready to go). He was not happy but he finally did sign them. Having those signed papers felt like having gold in my hands. But...He convinced me to give him another chance. I didn’t really want to get divorced and the kids didn’t want it either, so I caved. I did this knowing I had the papers and I could drop them off with the lawyer at any time. Sadly, he relapsed again this weekend and so I left to my moms house. I will be dropping off the papers on Monday. I gave him the weekend to leave the house. I get to keep the house in the divorce. He was very upset but I didn’t care. At this point there is no stopping me. Still, I could see the disappointment in my boys’ eyes (13 year old twins). Although they support me 100%, I could see they were a little sad. But I was strong and I made this weekend nothing but positive. I was doing ok, until... I was listening to music since I find it helps me to stay positive and strong, but then I heard a song called “Woman in Chains” by Tears for Fears. I started bawling. The tears started flowing and I couldn’t stop crying. You see, this song is about a woman in an abusive marriage but who stays anyway. Suddenly I felt this flood of emotion that I had stayed in this Marriage for too long. I thought of all the things that I had allowed. Why did I do this? Why did I stay after 13 years of dealing with this? I felt cheated. Like I didn’t deserve it and yet I did it to myself. There were many good times but all I could think about were the bad times. I feel so broken. I haven’t been sleeping and I’m worried that he’ll still be at the house today when I go back. I can’t stay at my moms for too long because the commute to the kids school and then to work is killer. My plan is to get home late at night tonight so the boys can go straight to bed, in case he is still there. Then I’ll take them straight to school in the morning. Hopefully they won’t have to see him drunk. ugh! I wish this could be over already. For anyone considering leaving, please don’t be like me and allow yourself to suffer. You don’t deserve it! Here’s a link to the song if anyone is interested:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bQznSD8YO0Y
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bQznSD8YO0Y
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Thank you for your post. You are doing the right (but very hard) thing. Trust your gut and know your feelings of wanting and needing to leave this marriage are valid. You’re in the very thick of it right now and I cannot imagine feeling any other way than how you do at this very moment in the situation.
I am so very sorry for what you are and have gone through but know that you inspire hope for those of us in similar situations. You are so strong and are putting yourself and your children first. You three deserve more than this.
I am so very sorry for what you are and have gone through but know that you inspire hope for those of us in similar situations. You are so strong and are putting yourself and your children first. You three deserve more than this.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
I’ve also found this LPCs message very helpful for us co-dependents. She has several very thoughtful codependent/relationship videos that may help you sort out some of your “why did I allow this for so long why don’t I want more for myself” feelings. I’m going through the very same feelings right now, 11 years married this year. Trying to sort out why I’ve accepted such a poor and unhealthy relationship all this time and she’s helped me figure some of that out through her talks.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHk...zDnVL-d23tE6bg
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHk...zDnVL-d23tE6bg
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Out in the Stix of Southern Indiana
Posts: 2,784
You girls sound like you went above and beyond what should have been enough because you loved this person and really wanted it to work. Sometimes the hardest things to do are the ones that are best for the future. Best wishes for you on your journey!
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Thank you for sharing with us. I’m so very sorry your AH relapsed. What an emotional roller coaster you and your kids are/have been on. Be kind to yourself. You are showing great courage and strength by following thru with your plan. You are also being a wonderful role model for your kids. They 100% support you and that says it all!
Wishing you the best
Wishing you the best
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by sotired77 
... I had stayed in this Marriage for too long. I thought of all the things that I had allowed. Why did I do this? Why did I stay after 13 years of dealing with this?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Wow, less then a month ago, you were posting what a blessing your marriage had become. This is the insanity of addiction. Everything can change in a blink of an eye. To be honest, It got to the point that I didn't care if my husband was in recovery or not, I could no longer live with it. It always felt like I was rebuilding my life on sand and fearing the wave that could wash it all away. I wasn't taking that chance ever again.
I am sorry for his relapse and that things didn't work out. Leaving was so hard for me, but the best thing I ever did.
I am sorry for his relapse and that things didn't work out. Leaving was so hard for me, but the best thing I ever did.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
sotired, I'm sorry you are feeling badly but want you to know that in my experience this is completely normal!
Generally, when you go in to a marriage, any marriage, whether there is alcoholism involved or not, you aren't thinking, I will stick around until it gets too awful.
No you go in with a mindset that this is your partner and you will work things out as you go along. So you do. And you have children and a life that has a routine and you are busy and not unhappy every minute of every day and you carry on (as you intended!).
At some point, where there are big problems, you do get to the end of your rope. It's still scary, it's still disappointing it's still a big upheaval for you and for the kids, but it's time to go!
I'm sure there are times when you have thought, if I could just get out from under this burden life will be so much better (and it will be). You don't expect to break down in tears over staying too long, or being scared or hurt, but that is the reality (generally).
Maybe think of it this way. You had to take the time allowed to come to your decision. You didn't do it on a whim (although that is ok too!), you needed to put in however long it took for you to get to this place of certainty. That's ok!
Now you know what you know and you are doing what you are doing and you know it's right and onward. You have a whole bunch of life in front of you to enjoy and to savour being out from under this. Take time, to think about that, it will reassure you that you are doing the right thing.
When you do find yourself admonishing yourself for staying too long, just think of all the positive things you have accomplished in your life, it isn't all about staying in a bad marriage true? You have great kids, a life, work, a roof over your head and you are going to be ok.
Generally, when you go in to a marriage, any marriage, whether there is alcoholism involved or not, you aren't thinking, I will stick around until it gets too awful.
No you go in with a mindset that this is your partner and you will work things out as you go along. So you do. And you have children and a life that has a routine and you are busy and not unhappy every minute of every day and you carry on (as you intended!).
At some point, where there are big problems, you do get to the end of your rope. It's still scary, it's still disappointing it's still a big upheaval for you and for the kids, but it's time to go!
I'm sure there are times when you have thought, if I could just get out from under this burden life will be so much better (and it will be). You don't expect to break down in tears over staying too long, or being scared or hurt, but that is the reality (generally).
Maybe think of it this way. You had to take the time allowed to come to your decision. You didn't do it on a whim (although that is ok too!), you needed to put in however long it took for you to get to this place of certainty. That's ok!
Now you know what you know and you are doing what you are doing and you know it's right and onward. You have a whole bunch of life in front of you to enjoy and to savour being out from under this. Take time, to think about that, it will reassure you that you are doing the right thing.
When you do find yourself admonishing yourself for staying too long, just think of all the positive things you have accomplished in your life, it isn't all about staying in a bad marriage true? You have great kids, a life, work, a roof over your head and you are going to be ok.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Hello sotired
I didn’t really want to get divorced and the kids didn’t want it either
I had stayed in this Marriage for too long
here is the conflict. And here is another
There were many good times but all I could think about were the bad times
living with an alcoholic is confusing and exhausting. Give yourself the time and space to rest and recoup your energy as much as you can at the moment. Leaving is not an instant fix, it's just another step on the journey. You will find clarity will return if you try to live in the present day and don't think too much about the future for now. Anything can happen, you have made space for the new to come into your life.
Self care and no contact (as much as you can when kids are involved)
I find exercise helps me to sleep and also stops me worrying so much. The days I walk to work I feel much better and sleep better too.
Be kind to yourself
I didn’t really want to get divorced and the kids didn’t want it either
I had stayed in this Marriage for too long
here is the conflict. And here is another
There were many good times but all I could think about were the bad times
living with an alcoholic is confusing and exhausting. Give yourself the time and space to rest and recoup your energy as much as you can at the moment. Leaving is not an instant fix, it's just another step on the journey. You will find clarity will return if you try to live in the present day and don't think too much about the future for now. Anything can happen, you have made space for the new to come into your life.
Self care and no contact (as much as you can when kids are involved)
I find exercise helps me to sleep and also stops me worrying so much. The days I walk to work I feel much better and sleep better too.
Be kind to yourself
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
ST,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know you feel bad that you waited 13 years, but it always could be worse. I finally left after 34 years, so hon, you are doing great.
Chance are that your husband will be in the house when you get home. What back up plan do you have? This will be very difficult for the kids if he is still in the home. You might have to reach out to your attorney, as I think until the divorce is settled he might be able to stay. Look into your legal rights.
It will get harder, over the next couple of months, he will be kind and sweet, until he's mean and nasty. You never know who is going to show up at that moment. Be strong because he's going to assume that you will back down, again. Sending you strength and hugs over the next week. Keep us up to date on how you are doing.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know you feel bad that you waited 13 years, but it always could be worse. I finally left after 34 years, so hon, you are doing great.
Chance are that your husband will be in the house when you get home. What back up plan do you have? This will be very difficult for the kids if he is still in the home. You might have to reach out to your attorney, as I think until the divorce is settled he might be able to stay. Look into your legal rights.
It will get harder, over the next couple of months, he will be kind and sweet, until he's mean and nasty. You never know who is going to show up at that moment. Be strong because he's going to assume that you will back down, again. Sending you strength and hugs over the next week. Keep us up to date on how you are doing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Thank you everyone, for your responses. Your help has been invaluable. All of your comments make such a difference (you all really have no idea how grateful I am to you)
Wow Maia, you hit the nail on the head. When I got home, he wasn't there and I felt at peace. I got myself situated, but he came home shortly afterwards. He went on and on about how sorry he was and how he didn't deserve us (the kids were not there - they went to their room because they didn't really want to talk to him). He talked about how it was all his fault and how we didn't deserve everything he had put us through. He truly looked down and depressed and I did start to soften and feel so sorry for him. He asked if he could just stay in the garage until he found a place and that if I said no, it was fine and he would just go to a hotel. I felt bad so I said he could stay in the garage.
As he got his things together, and as I got ready for bed, he came around again and started going on again about what a failure he was. This time, though, I could tell he had been drinking. Of course, when they start drinking, they completely change. He started talking about how I was ruining his life. I asked him to leave and go to a hotel, and he really started getting angry and raising his voice. At this point the kids were already asleep (at least the lights were out in their room). I asked him to keep his voice down, but there really is no reasoning with an A. I would have left right then and there to a hotel, but I didn't want to wake up the boys and drag them out of bed. It was pretty late at night at this point. I figured I just had to survive the night. So I stopped engaging and just let him ramble on and on. He finally agreed to go to the garage like he had said he would. I worried the whole night about what I would do. How I could avoid this situation again. I hardly got any sleep. This morning I took him to work, since he doesn't have a car right now (yup, he crashed it). He was sober and apologetic (ugh, this roller coaster). He told me he doesn't think he'll be able to get better and recover without me. He told me he thinks he'll end up dying from his disease because losing me makes him want to drink more than ever. He feels like there is nothing to live for, and what is the point in getting sober. I told him it's not my responsibility to keep him sober. My responsibility is to my boys. He understood.
Even though in my head I know I shouldn't feel responsible, it's still very hard. I can't help but feel some guilt. I know I can't save him, but I can't help feeling like I am abandoning him. I'm going to have to work on that! Thank you for reminding me that leaving is just part of this journey. I will need to take it day by day. Either way, I know I will survive this. Thank you all for your kindness.
Wow Maia, you hit the nail on the head. When I got home, he wasn't there and I felt at peace. I got myself situated, but he came home shortly afterwards. He went on and on about how sorry he was and how he didn't deserve us (the kids were not there - they went to their room because they didn't really want to talk to him). He talked about how it was all his fault and how we didn't deserve everything he had put us through. He truly looked down and depressed and I did start to soften and feel so sorry for him. He asked if he could just stay in the garage until he found a place and that if I said no, it was fine and he would just go to a hotel. I felt bad so I said he could stay in the garage.
As he got his things together, and as I got ready for bed, he came around again and started going on again about what a failure he was. This time, though, I could tell he had been drinking. Of course, when they start drinking, they completely change. He started talking about how I was ruining his life. I asked him to leave and go to a hotel, and he really started getting angry and raising his voice. At this point the kids were already asleep (at least the lights were out in their room). I asked him to keep his voice down, but there really is no reasoning with an A. I would have left right then and there to a hotel, but I didn't want to wake up the boys and drag them out of bed. It was pretty late at night at this point. I figured I just had to survive the night. So I stopped engaging and just let him ramble on and on. He finally agreed to go to the garage like he had said he would. I worried the whole night about what I would do. How I could avoid this situation again. I hardly got any sleep. This morning I took him to work, since he doesn't have a car right now (yup, he crashed it). He was sober and apologetic (ugh, this roller coaster). He told me he doesn't think he'll be able to get better and recover without me. He told me he thinks he'll end up dying from his disease because losing me makes him want to drink more than ever. He feels like there is nothing to live for, and what is the point in getting sober. I told him it's not my responsibility to keep him sober. My responsibility is to my boys. He understood.
Even though in my head I know I shouldn't feel responsible, it's still very hard. I can't help but feel some guilt. I know I can't save him, but I can't help feeling like I am abandoning him. I'm going to have to work on that! Thank you for reminding me that leaving is just part of this journey. I will need to take it day by day. Either way, I know I will survive this. Thank you all for your kindness.
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sotired…….I suggest that you look into the power of positive self talk. You have negative self talk....which you do so automatically that you are not aware of it.....it tells you to feel guilty...it tells you that you are responsible (even when you know you are not)...it tells you to feel sorry for him (even when you know he is manipulating you)…..
Negative self talk...which we mostly carry from messages that we received about ourselves, growing up.....just underlines our low self esteem an saddles us with self doubt and loss of self confidence.....
It takes an intentional practice to combat the negative talk.....and, replacing it with more accurate positive self talk....
If you go on amazon.com...in the book section...you will find any number of books on this subject of self talk...and, some workbooks, also. I think you would really benefit from selecting one and begin to work on your self talk.....
Negative self talk...which we mostly carry from messages that we received about ourselves, growing up.....just underlines our low self esteem an saddles us with self doubt and loss of self confidence.....
It takes an intentional practice to combat the negative talk.....and, replacing it with more accurate positive self talk....
If you go on amazon.com...in the book section...you will find any number of books on this subject of self talk...and, some workbooks, also. I think you would really benefit from selecting one and begin to work on your self talk.....
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
This is very difficult, but do try to keep in the forefront of your mind that he CAN get sober and recover without you, and that to say or imply otherwise is either plain old manipulation or a pretty woeful misunderstanding of what recovery is in the first place. Either way, it still has nothing to do with you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow. Manipulation at it's finest. If he wants to get sober, he can and will. If not, he won't.
You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. If he cannot look at his twins and see something worth living for, SHAME on him. Put all the focus on you and the children and keeping yourselves in a good place.
Sending you a big hug.
You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. If he cannot look at his twins and see something worth living for, SHAME on him. Put all the focus on you and the children and keeping yourselves in a good place.
Sending you a big hug.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
sotired77,
I went through exactly the same dance with my alcoholic (ex) husband.
"I'm sad"
"I'm depressed"
"I'm so suicidal"
"I have so much animosity"
"I'm sorry"
"I'm not sorry"
"I wouldn't do it again"
" I couldn't help it"
"I can't manage with out you"
"You are crazy, get help"
" you knew I was a drinker when you married me"
" it would make me worse if you leave me"
"I'd die without you"
" You are the glue holding the family together"
" You are the one ripping the family apart"
" I'll just leave then.."
"I'll never leave!"
I could keep adding to this list all day long. The yo-yo of emotional onslaught never stopped.
It was a never ending tirade of self pity, deflection and manipulation. It had me tied in knots for years. I got sicker and sicker the more I listened to it, the more I lived it...
I was lost in the FOG for a long time. You don't have to live this way. It's not even really living... it's just surviving in a kind of relentless hell. I didn't get back to actually living until I untangled myself from his chaos.
None of the things he says or does is your fault. If something you said or did could get him sober he would already be well. Only he can "fix" him.
I know how hard this all is, I'm sending hugs and strength your way.
I went through exactly the same dance with my alcoholic (ex) husband.
"I'm sad"
"I'm depressed"
"I'm so suicidal"
"I have so much animosity"
"I'm sorry"
"I'm not sorry"
"I wouldn't do it again"
" I couldn't help it"
"I can't manage with out you"
"You are crazy, get help"
" you knew I was a drinker when you married me"
" it would make me worse if you leave me"
"I'd die without you"
" You are the glue holding the family together"
" You are the one ripping the family apart"
" I'll just leave then.."
"I'll never leave!"
I could keep adding to this list all day long. The yo-yo of emotional onslaught never stopped.
It was a never ending tirade of self pity, deflection and manipulation. It had me tied in knots for years. I got sicker and sicker the more I listened to it, the more I lived it...
I was lost in the FOG for a long time. You don't have to live this way. It's not even really living... it's just surviving in a kind of relentless hell. I didn't get back to actually living until I untangled myself from his chaos.
None of the things he says or does is your fault. If something you said or did could get him sober he would already be well. Only he can "fix" him.
I know how hard this all is, I'm sending hugs and strength your way.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by sotired77
Even though in my head I know I shouldn't feel responsible, it's still very hard. I can't help but feel some guilt. I know I can't save him, but I can't help feeling like I am abandoning him. I'm going to have to work on that! Thank you for reminding me that leaving is just part of this journey. I will need to take it day by day. Either way, I know I will survive this. Thank you all for your kindness.
His drinking
His moods
His happiness
His willingness to get help (any help!)
Truly when you look at that list, what can you help him with?
I'm sure you have discussed his treatment of you and the kids and his drinking and the fact he needs help over and over and over again.
I'm sure you have tried to "cheer him up", put him first, tried to make him comfortable and happy, tried and tried to keep things on an even keel for everyone.
How did that go?
At some point, you do have to say - enough. You have no more control over his drinking that I do. Will he drink more after you two are apart, probably, but that's not because of YOU. That's because he is not willing to get help with dealing with his life and his feelings. It's tough when you have almost no practice of dealing with anything without alcohol to numb the feelings and yes, that's a terrible thing, but how did that become YOUR issue?
Are you to stay so that you can endure his dysfunction? You get to sacrifice your life to his drinking and moods. That sounds great! Or a terrible waste of time.
I am sure he has some good points, but all of that is horribly masked by his alcoholism.
So, your guilt is in fact false guilt. Although years of having someone tell you it's your fault probably has you thinking otherwise. You are not a psychiatrist or long standing AA member. You can't help him with his alcoholism and all the other problems he covers with it.
His words are probably quite rational to him but in the light of day they are not.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
ST,
I am so sorry!! He is not a special snowflake, he is an alcoholic. A sober alcoholic told me once, that I would say anything at the time to get what I wanted. Didn't matter if 2 minutes later I changed my mind.
He is a drunk!! Treat him like one. His words mean nothing, it's his actions that speak louder. Keep with the plan, file the papers, reach out to the attorney to get him out. He is an abusive sick man and your kids don't deserve to be in that situation any longer, and neither do you.
By the way, Your kids heard everything, I can guarantee you that!
Hugs!!
I am so sorry!! He is not a special snowflake, he is an alcoholic. A sober alcoholic told me once, that I would say anything at the time to get what I wanted. Didn't matter if 2 minutes later I changed my mind.
He is a drunk!! Treat him like one. His words mean nothing, it's his actions that speak louder. Keep with the plan, file the papers, reach out to the attorney to get him out. He is an abusive sick man and your kids don't deserve to be in that situation any longer, and neither do you.
By the way, Your kids heard everything, I can guarantee you that!
Hugs!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
You guys are wonderful! Every little bit keeps me strong. Today my son told me he was tired. I guess he didn’t sleep last night and it broke my heart. We’re all tired. On the way home from work, my AH called and asked me if I still wanted him to go to a hotel tonight. I told him my home is a sober home and so I can’t have him there. He said he would find a place and left it at that. I was about to leave to walk the dog when I saw him coming up the driveway. My defenses went up, but he told me he was just there to get some clothes. He got his clothes, while telling me how hard it has been. He said he’s having a hard time finding a place to live since rents are so expensive. He kept saying he knows it’s his fault and that there must be something seriously wrong with him because he relapsed and he threw everything away. I tried to be positive, encouraging him to get help and move forward. He finally left and I gave him a hug. I figured I would detach with love. He called me later and again complained about how miserable his life had become because of his mistakes. I again encouraged him to go to an aa meeting and go back to therapy and to talk to his psychiatrist. It was surreal going through the evening doing the things that we used to do together. Just a few weeks ago we were all having dinner together talking about our days. It’s amazing how things can change so quickly.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
But as long as he’s drinking, things can never get better, just worse—Especially for your kids. They have a right to feel safe and unstressed in their own home.
Your AH can choose real recovery at any time. The only limiting factor is his preference to drink, and his manipulation to keep you enabling this choice.
By refusing to do so any longer, you to my mind have given your whole family, including him, a chance for healing and health.
Your AH can choose real recovery at any time. The only limiting factor is his preference to drink, and his manipulation to keep you enabling this choice.
By refusing to do so any longer, you to my mind have given your whole family, including him, a chance for healing and health.
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