He was your addiction and him cutting you off is causing you withdrawal. The irony. It hurts so bad, I know, it would only become more of an enmeshed mess if you continued the trauma bond with him.
I know we read and read this stuff, hoping they actually love you and they will see the error of their ways and come back. The pain is unbearable. It's pointless. I really know you don't understand what an absolute blessing it is that he's gone and just like him, you can't quit until you are ready.
You will be one day though, to give him up when you can't take anymore.
I hope for now you can find the strength to pull through, no one is worth you ending your life, you only get one, obviously. This isn't heathy for you, try get as much sleep as you can and stay 100% no contact, it's the only way to heal.
IC.