amh293

Hi all,

I am reaching out in need of some support. It has been really eye opening and has really hit me hard that it can be so difficult and painful at times being the loved one of an addict. My ex boyfriend who I was with for 3 years unexpectedly broke up with me in October and I have not been coping with it to say the least. I have fallen into a pretty severe depression with suicidality, have questioned my worthiness as a person, feel that I am unlovable, and just wish I was enough for the guy that I loved unconditionally.

My ex went to rehab for 30 days in August. I was a support for him through that difficult time in his life, and went to visit him weekly while he was there, something that not even his own father and step mother did I should mention. Fast forward to when he got out of rehab. Things were seemingly going great! I was supporting my ex going to an AA meeting with him once a week, he seemed to be in a much better place, we were happy, things couldn't be any better.

There were a few red flags that happened before and after the break up that have me wondering if it is possible that maybe my ex has relapsed and is not sober right now and maybe that is why he abruptly ended things after 3 years. I am hoping to get feedback from others around people who may have had similar experiences or just anyone who can help shed some light on this and help me process this as I am not able to move on.

Some of these red flags were, my ex leaving rehab with being put on another stimulant which is his DOC. Don't ask me why a dr would put an adderall addict on another stimulant, but it happened. My ex was very secretive in the sense he told me what the medication was, but did not want his step mother and father to know what its real purpose was so he framed it to them as it was a depression/ anxiety medication. The fact that he could not be honest with his parents about it being a stimulant was concerning. A few weeks before the break up happened, as I mentioned I was supporting him at AA meetings. My ex is someone who complains that he is lonely, doesn't have friends, so naturally, i encouraged him to make friends with some of the younger folks at the meetings. That was not something that he wanted to do and would always shut that suggestion down. In addition, at the time of the break up, my ex did not have an AA sponsor, and expressed no desire in wanting one. He also had not secured counseling or a psychiatrist which was part of his discharge plan at the rehab. Me being a social worker myself, I offered countless times and sent him names/ numbers of providers to help him get connected to. In addition, after leaving one of the AA meetings, we got into the car and I had notice that my ex had a text from one of the people who he used to buy pills from who also works with my ex. My ex deleted one of the texts from him as he apparently did not want me to have any knowledge of what they were talking about or what was being said. My ex tried to at first play dumb as to like " i don't know why hes talking to me, im not answering" to then trying to go to bat for the guy saying "hes on a better path, he doesn't do bad things." Most recently i found out my ex and his former or who knows maybe current drug dealer ( if hes relapsed) have been hanging out together, in pictures, going to the gym. The fact that he is in contact with his drug dealer since being on what I thought was the path to recovery is a big red flag for me.

Fast forward to the break up, my ex and I got into and argument as I asked a question that "set him off." Instead of moving on like we usually do, he decided he wasn't going to do it anymore and it was the last straw. Since then there has been so much that has happened. He was displaying very manic and irrational thinking. Appeared to be up and down, telling me one minute we would never be together again, the next minute saying maybe down the road, the next minute saying he doesn't want to say goodbye forever, blah blah. To date, i have been blocked everywhere by him after he said we could be friends, he either changed his number or got a new one, and is running away and hiding after being together for 3 years. He did call me in early December as his best friend told him it was the right thing to do to give me "closure" however the conversation was unproductive and him just making threats such as "I can't take this, is the conversation over yet, I am going to punch a hole in the wall, I am going to take a knife tonight and stab myself." Additionally, he did have a positive drug test for THC 4 days after we broke up and tried to tell me it was a false positive of a medication which my PCP confirmed is not the case with the medications he is on.

I guess what I am trying to get at, is here I am, not to toot my own horn but a girl who is genuine, who supported him, who loved him and care about him unconditionally, who was honest with him, who was loyal to him, the list goes on. If I am as pretty and as good of a girl as everyone is saying I am, why is he pushing me away after 3 years and not even willing to try to remedy anything before throwing it all away. Communication on his part is clearly a big issue here and i suggested couples counseling, to which he said hell no to. After everything we've been through and believe me its been a lot, why am I not worthy enough to be fought for by him but yet he is back on tinder after his best friend tried to give me the story of "he needs to work on himself, he is not strong enough to go through this and be there for you" ... let me tell you one thing, if he was working on himself, he would not be on tinder looking for a new relationship/ hookup. He would be fully committed to his sobriety and all that comes along with early recovery/ sobriety, correct?

I can't even begin to explain, the hurt, brokenness, emptiness, I feel right now. This is the guy I thought I would be with forever as his words and actions during the relationship made it seem that way. Now he completely cuts all ties and is displaying drastic behaviors like this? I keep worrying is it more likely he relapsed and that is why this is happening or did he go to rehab for 30 days get sober and fall out of love with me?

Does anything I mentioned here indicate he could possibly be relapsing? Has anyone else had loved ones walk away from you abruptly, and displaying intense anger and mood swings, manic and drastic behaviors?

More than anything I just want to talk to him and being completely cut out "forever" as he says, he told me he will never speak to me again, he is telling me I am toxic, etc. and he cut all ties is absolutely killing me and destroying me physically, mentally and emotionally.

AnvilheadII

As a social worker yourself, what do you see when you take a step back and look at the big picture? all the answers you seek are actually in your own post.

don't let anyone but you be in charge of your self-worth.
when someone no longer chooses to be with us, communicate us, interact with us, it's best to accept that and move on.
he's doing what addicts do. he doesn't share YOUR vision of what HIS life should look like, he has his own. to which he is fully entitled.

it is most concerning that you mention your own fragile state, depression and suicidality. THAT is what you should now be focused on and fully committed to. get back to you. regain your own sense of worth and purpose, that is not in any way dependent upon another human being. work on your own recovery now.

HardLessons

" I am hoping to get feedback from others around people who may have had similar experiences or just anyone who can help shed some light on this and help me process this as I am not able to move on."

He is an addict. I read all you wrote & that's my opinion based on my direct experience.

"Does anything I mentioned here indicate he could possibly be relapsing? Has anyone else had loved ones walk away from you abruptly, and displaying intense anger and mood swings, manic and drastic behaviors?"

I think he is an addict & is continuing to take drugs.

"After everything we've been through and believe me its been a lot, why am I not worthy enough to be fought for by him "

Hes an addict. This is what addicts do. It doesn't have anything to do with you being worthy or not.

"More than anything I just want to talk to him and being completely cut out "forever" as he says, he told me he will never speak to me again, he is telling me I am toxic, etc. and he cut all ties is absolutely killing me and destroying me physically, mentally and emotionally. "

You may not understand this right now but this addict has done you a huge favor by cutting all ties with you.

" I have fallen into a pretty severe depression with suicidality, have questioned my worthiness as a person, feel that I am unlovable, and just wish I was enough for the guy that I loved unconditionally. "

Your a social worker hopefully you have sources to get some immediate help concerning your above statement. I think most of us here to at least some degree have felt the same as you do now. I know I did. You can & will get past this destructive relationship.

Trying to love an addict unconditionally is an exercise in futility. Its like beating your head against a wall. All you get out of it is a beaten up head.

Your story is not unique. Just read around here on this forum. You will find countless others who have experienced similar.

I hope you find some help for yourself soon.

dandylion

amh…..an addict will turn their back on Mother Teressa.....and, they will spit in the eye of an angel if it suits their purposes, at the moment.
This has nothing to do with you...or, how good you may or not be.

amh293

Hi all,

Thanks for your posts. I guess I just sit here thinking, I mean is there a chance he is getting sober and just acting like this due to being in recovery or is there too many red flags for that to be? Is marijuana considered a relapse if its legal in his state? I keep sitting here thinking like what if he got sober and is seeing things differently and that's why he is calling me toxic, and walking away from the relationship if he fell out of love with me? My therapist says I am not toxic, but I mean is there a chance he could be totally sober and the ex dealer could be getting healthy together or is that a stupid question to even ask? I was nothing but good to him, I love him with all of me. I gave all of myself to him and now he is walking away saying he can't have me in his life, hes cutting all ties, being so mean and not willing to put in any effort to work through things and have a relationship with me but yet he is on tinder and will magically change himself for a new girl, but i wasn't worthy enough to be that girl after he talked about a future with me? I know I am asking a lot of questions, but being left without proper closure, its how I am processing. Can anyone please shed some light on some of these questions, anyone's personal experiences and opinions are welcome!!

trailmix

hi amh,

You might find these two threads, which are in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...r-3-years.html (Trying to understand...breaking up after 3 years)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-your-use.html (Marijuana legal where you live? Did your A use it?)

Did you ever see the prescription? Who knows, he may have bought them on the street or did he doctor shop?

Whether it is legal or not is irrelevant, he's just using another mind altering substance. Alcohol is legal too. He's switched up addictions.

Not a stupid question, highly unlikely.

What you gave or didn't give is not really anything to do with him, if you know what I mean? Your choices are your choices. You are obviously a very kind person, but that doesn't mean he's indebted to you. As for "unconditional love" that is something, to me, that is reserved for your children, not your boyfriend or even your Husband.

You could be the best girlfriend in the world, but it sounds like he just wants no responsibility and to party. Addicts don't make good partners in relationships. They can't handle it, emotion, kindness, respecting others feelings etc etc, they are (mostly) taking drugs to escape from all that.

He's not magically changing himself or anything. He is the same guy and his next relationship will end up the same way, unless he makes huge changes in his life and outlook.

Never think you weren't "worthy", this is about him, not you.

Have you ever heard of the book Codependent no more by Melody Beattie? I think you might find it really helpful. Not saying you are codependent or not, I don't know that! It does contain a lot of information about relationships and boundaries and is often recommended here. I hope you will get a copy.

amh293

Hi @trailmix,

Thanks for your responses- a few follow up points/ questions I have.

1. Is marijuana considered mind altering? I truly have no knowledge of it since i have never smoked it in my life.

In terms of his rx, yes I did see the prescription bottle of the sister stimulant he was given upon leaving rehab. Am I the only one who finds this strange he was given another stimulant?

You mentioned its highly unlikely he and the dealer are getting healthy together, is there a chance, or not at all?

In terms of the him walking away and me being so good to him, is it possible he could be totally sober aside from marijuana and lost feelings/ fell out of love with me after going to rehab? Does this happen or again is that a highly unlikely probability?

When you say- "He is the same guy and his next relationship will end up the same way, unless he makes huge changes in his life and outlook." what do you mean as huge changes? I know he was in pictures at the gym with the ex dealer-- could this help his mental state and be the major change you are talking about?

Why is he walking away from me when he genuinely made it seem like he loved me and cared? What can I do to get him to come back and being open to communicating and not blocking me/ cutting me out everywhere?? I can't even verbalize how heartbroken I am :'( I lost my virginity to him, he talked about a future with me, and now I ask a question and he ends a 3 year relationship, i cannot comprehend ...

Ariesagain

Oh, you poor thing. I can feel your pain from here.

I wish I could tell you that it’s all going to work out, but honestly? The odds are very much against it. If you read more threads on this forum you’ll see how very, very typical this kind of disappearing act is. Even if he does come back, it’s going to happen again...some of us have been through it a dozen times.

This has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t matter what you say, who you are, what you do, how much you want to fix him...he’s an addict and he’s chosen his addiction over your relationship.

It has nothing to do with love. It has nothing to do with his new prescription and whether they gave it to him in rehab...he’s taking it. If it’s not that drug, it’ll be something else.

Please try to stop holding out hope for a magical outcome and try to focus on how you can heal and move on. It’s not your fault...it’s the equivalent of being hit by a bus. What I can tell you is that it won’t hurt like this forever, it just feels that way.

Do you have access to a therapist or a counseling service?

trailmix

Yes it is mind altering, not like say - LSD or something, but it alters your mind, you think differently, act differently things seem different, it's a drug, it's meant to make you feel different. If it didn't change how you felt, mentally, why would anyone use it?

I guess there is a chance that he and his dealer have hooked up to get fit at the gym and get clean, but I wouldn't bet any money on it. Drugs are hard to quit.

Quitting is just the first step, then there needs to be recovery, from the selfishness, the mindset that is picked up when you are an addict. Drugs change the brain, he is not recovered (or he's a walking miracle).

As Aries said, it is so important for you to have support right now, Al-Anon, that book I recommended, therapy.

As for your question about people bailing on relationships after rehab, yes, I've heard that a few times. Could be that they want to start fresh, could be that they want to leave all that hurt and pain they caused behind, could be that they aren't thinking straight, well that's kind of a given, the not thinking straight.

Regardless of his reasoning, he's doing as he pleases and you should too. You deserve to have a relationship where someone is kind to you and treats you with respect, that's not this guy, right?

As Aries said, you will not always feel this way, you will get past this but look for support, here at SR and with say Al-Anon, start a journal, be real in that journal.

He has hurt you badly with his erratic behaviour, you deserve so much better.

Abandoned80

helpfultoothers

The posts above are great.

I can feel your pain and I've been there. I think it's common for even people with years of recovery to abruptly end things, because of the rewiring of their brain, or perhaps as trail mix said, the mindset that is picked up when you are an addict.

You do deserve someone who treats you better. Reach out for support from 12 step groups, therapy, friends and family and then in the future you'll look back and realize that you're in a better place. But it sucks to be here now, I know.

Indigochild

He was your addiction and him cutting you off is causing you withdrawal. The irony. It hurts so bad, I know, it would only become more of an enmeshed mess if you continued the trauma bond with him.

I know we read and read this stuff, hoping they actually love you and they will see the error of their ways and come back. The pain is unbearable. It's pointless. I really know you don't understand what an absolute blessing it is that he's gone and just like him, you can't quit until you are ready.
You will be one day though, to give him up when you can't take anymore.

I hope for now you can find the strength to pull through, no one is worth you ending your life, you only get one, obviously. This isn't heathy for you, try get as much sleep as you can and stay 100% no contact, it's the only way to heal.

IC.

amh293

@ trailmix As for your question about people bailing on relationships after rehab, yes, I've heard that a few times. Could be that they want to start fresh, could be that they want to leave all that hurt and pain they caused behind, could be that they aren't thinking straight, well that's kind of a given, the not thinking straight.

^ so when you say this, does this mean he very well could be sober even with the red flags and just lost feelings for me but never communicated them and stuck it out if he is in recovery?? Is this likely possibility ?


@Abandoned80 I would LOVE to connect! I tried to PM you but it says I cannot message until I have 15 posts?? Is there another way we could connect? It sounds like we have similar stories and I would love to get your insight let me know!

@helpfultoothers Am I misunderstanding when you say " I can feel your pain and I've been there. I think it's common for even people with years of recovery to abruptly end things, because of the rewiring of their brain, or perhaps as trail mix said, the mindset that is picked up when you are an addict."

^Are you saying it is likely that he did end things because after 30 days of rehab his brain is already rewired enough to the point that he feels differently despite the red flags? and if hes sober (which do we really think he is??) he doesn't love me anymore? I don't quite understand the piece about the mindset that is picked up when you are an addict? From what I said is it more likely relapse or he fell out of love and is sober/ in recovery? Please explain more

@indigochild is there anything I can say or do to get him to stop being this cruel and hurtful and just be willing to come back and put in effort to the relationship or when he says in his drastic text messages that "we will never speak again in life" is that most likely the truth? He will go change and be better for a new girl but me who was with him for 3 years wasn't enough to fight for

Ariesagain

He’s not going to change. Not for some mythical new person, not for you, not for anyone. He’s in a committed relationship with his addiction now.

If anything, he’s being honest with you in breaking it off. Many are not so fortunate and get strung along for a very long time being exploited and manipulated because of the first and only relationship: addiction.

FWIW, I doubt very much that he is not using. But either way, it doesn’t make any difference because he has ended your relationship and continuing to desperately try to find a way to change his mind or unearth logical reason or comb through past history looking for clues is very, very human and understandable...but it won’t get you on the road to your new life or help you heal.

It’s so, so terribly hard, but try to take a step back and see the big picture here? It isn’t you, it isn’t even him, it’s addiction. And at some point in that downward spiral, addiction wins and everything and everyone else gets tossed to the side.

A therapist or a real life support group is really worth finding right now so you can focus on you.

Sending you strength, clarity, and a hug.

HeadEast

"I can't even begin to explain, the hurt, brokenness, emptiness, I feel right now. This is the guy I thought I would be with forever as his words and actions during the relationship made it seem that way."

We've all been there when relationships have ended. It is especially hard for those of us that have had marriages end. It sucks. It does get better with time, and only with time. Good luck to you.

trailmix

It's impossible to say. What I was actually saying though is this is a not uncommon thing that happens. Recovery is not instant, it certainly doesn't take a month. His brain didn't all of a sudden sort itself out after years of drug use.

It takes months or years for a person to feel "normal" again. He was in rehab in August, out for a month then broke up with you to go hang out with his "former" dealer. If this dealer is on such a good path, why would he be deleting his texts, why would he lie about not knowing why he's texting?

No need for him to lie unless he's hiding something to do with the dealer right?

I also take from your question about marijuana that he was smoking that? People that are sober and in recovery aren't using drugs, that's the whole point.

Addicts are very selfish, as I'm sure you experienced. Maybe he just decided he wanted to party all the time. It's kind of impossible to say.

But again, I doubt he knows what he's doing.

It's not you by the way, as Aries mentioned - it's about addiction.

Indigochild

I wrote a note to myself, to read whenever I feel sad. A striking point I wrote to myself was, 'When someone shows you who they are, and who they are is somebody who absolutely does not deserve you, take note and respectfully close the door.'

This might not be who he was and who you fell in love with but it is who he is now and he does not sound like someone you should waste your clear devotion on. If you show him you are willing to not only put up with his disrespect but actively ignore it and continue to be devoted, he will know that you are there to seriously use and abuse at his will. He has no respect for you now and I believe that is unlikely to change. It really is a hard thing to accept but you are prolonging your pain by choosing to ignore him when he is showing you who he is 💜

PuzzledHeart

Late to the convo but yes. It's mind altering - otherwise why would anyone smoke it?

My sister smoked a lot of the stuff - she may even still be smoking it today although she swears up down and sideways that it's not happening. It's gotten to the point where she sees her kids maybe one afternoon a week at my parents' house while everybody else picks up the slack.

She basically gave up her kids and her husband for an unemployed pothead and they lived in the land of delusion for a good long while. They were going to open a restaurant. He was actually going to get a job. But it was all talk talk talk. When my mom got sick, she said she couldn't help because she was getting ready to get her house for sale, but when her ex-husband asked her when was she going to get the house ready for sale she said she didn't have time because she was taking care of my mom. The pile of lies that she generated at that time was astounding. There were times where she acted so cold and cruel (especially when she couldn't smoke it for a long period of time) it took my breath away. It left me so bitter and angry that I went straight to this site.

I've learned since then that my sister isn't going to be anything else but my sister, and until she herself is determined to really dig deep and face her own trauma as well as the trauma we shared (which she denies ever happened), there is absolutely nothing I can do.

I try, in my own imperfect way, to relay that to her children as well - who are definitely not at fault for the way she acted. They did absolutely nothing wrong and they deserve all the love in the world. They are smart, resourceful and faithful, and I hope to God that they don't attach their own self-worth to the way their mother treated them.

The same goes for you.

amh293

@Ariesagain - so are you saying that it sounds like he is most likely using, but regardless there is nothing i can say to get him to unblock me and stop hiding as I like to call it? He is literally putting up such big walls. Do addicts isolate and do that sort of thing during a relapse?? I am new to this

@trailmix - he went to 30 day rehab until the end of August and then we broke up in early Oct. so roughly 2 months ish if you don't include the 30 day rehab otherwise it would be more like 3 months. Could that re-wiring of the addicts brain that you and others speak of have started to happen that quickly within 2/3 months from rehab to breakup? Re: the dealer-- i saw one of the messages the dealer was asking my ex for a ride. Im not sure obviously what the deleted one said, but i know one of them was asking for a ride and my ex at one point said he wasn't answering, but yet there are pics online of him out to dinner and at gym w dealer?? In terms of the marijuana, I don't know if he was smoking it, i mean obviously he was because no medication causes a false positive for THC. Could CBD oil cause THC positive drug test if he was using the oil? His texts throughout the breakup were just so drastic. He says " ive always loved you, but i can't be with you." -- I spiral when i think of this because i think to myself okay, am i really toxic like he is telling me? Is he thinking i'm toxic and that's why he is saying he can't be with me or is that a common projection that addicts use? If it is really the addiction, how come everytime before he bought pills behind my back and his families back he never broke off the relationship then, i truly don't understand what is different.

@indigochild- so if he doesn't respect me, does that mean he may very well not ever speak to me again in life like he has threatened :'( ? I am so stuck on could he be acting like this due to PAWS which is something i was reading about that happens in early recovery? I truly think that when he calls me toxic that its true and that maybe he always thought of me that way and the drugs were causing him to suppress those feelings? Could this be or does it sound very clear like this is a relapse situation?

trailmix

Yes addicts isolate and PAWS is unlikely at this point from what I understand, he's pretty early in to recovery (if he's in recovery at all).

I don't know much about CBD oil and testing positive for THC, one would think there would have to be a component of THC to test positive but I'm sure there must be references online.

Addicts don't fix themselves up in a few months. Remember they have had YEARS and YEARS of addiction and what that does to them mentally and physically.

It's not like a malady where say, you break your leg and in 4 months it is healed and you carry on as though it was never broken.

I'm guessing he wasn't all that great of a partner all that time he was in active addiction (if he is even attempting recovery now), so why would you think he might have all of a sudden become this great person now?

If he was selfish then, he's still selfish. Remember, when they are living in active addiction that is their LIFE, every single minute of every day. When they aren't using they want to be, when they have drugs they are thinking about how long that will last and where they can get more at X o'clock when they run out. How can they get extra Saturday so they can REALLY party etc etc - it's all about the drugs and them.

No one and I mean no one, escapes that lifestyle and just becomes ok. He will ALWAYS be an addict, for the rest of his life, that doesn't ever change. Doesn't mean he will always be actively using, but it will always be lurking and he will have to be diligent not to fall back in to it.

He is in the very very early stages of recovery, if he really is, so you can't expect him to be behaving normally or even be behaving like he did in addiction, when he was with you. These are big life changes.

The absolute best thing for you is to look after yourself, focus back on yourself, all that attention and care you normally reserve for him, what if you focused that on yourself? How would that look, how much better would you feel.

Don't give him the power to hold this former relationship over you, you get to make the decision to leave it.

He has been clear in the way he intends to live his life now, you can't change that, you can't change people (and why would you want to) he is who he is, which is not a really nice guy right?

Getting him "back" or even attempting to, is not making you feel better and isn't going to. You can help yourself by taking care of yourself, first and foremost. Reading things that help you, doing nice things for yourself, realizing that you deserve so much better in an SO,