Cruising past day 10
Hey Everyone,
I've been lurking around here for a little bit now, but wanted to refrain from posting until I made some progress. Last night I hit the 10 day mark! I've been to 10 days many times before. Close to 6 months once. Something about this time feels different. Maybe I want it more. Maybe the cycle has just gotten old. I'm 38 which means my drinking career is 20 years long and taken up more than half my life.
If I had to describe my drinking I would call it extremely structured problem binging. I've never drank daily, although at my peak back in 2013 it was probably 5 days a week. I "managed" it for the next several years with stretches of sobriety between a couple weeks and up to that 6 month mark. But, like many of us, I got too confident or too apathetic, or just too week.
Each time I've fallen back in I think it's when, like now, I feel good. I have a leadership position at work and it's easy sometimes to feel that when I feel decent physically, that I'm not at a point where I'm required to make a change. But the cycle I mentioned is exhausting. The hangovers, the guilt, the quiet disappointment from my wife. But possible the most significant change is now my kids are 10 and 12. They know something is up when I drink...although they've never seen a bottle touch my lips because I've always hid my drinking. They know when dad's asleep at 7:30 on a weeknight something is up. They know when I try to help them with math and I'm making no sense that something is up. Finally, last week after my most recent early evening retirement, I was putting my 12 year old to sleep. He was hesitant to ask a question and I didn't know what direction he was going...honestly wasn't expecting this one. "Dad, when and how are you going to control your drinking?" Whoa, since when did you start attending Al Anon? I gave a quick but honest answer...something to the effect of it's hard, but i'm working on it and I want to stop. I also had to throw in that this is why when you get older you and your brother should never drink...it runs in the family.
So as I age, I feel the effects more on my body, and my children are more aware and impacted....it's time. I don't want to be this guy anymore. Everyone on here asks about people's plan. Mine is simple at the moment. I've been on here every morning committing to another 24 hours. I'll lurk around here around mid day to read some threads. My evenings I've been exercising....and eating everything in site. I read more threads. I pray. I write daily affirmations. I've tried AA in the past, half-heartedly I admit, but the system doesn't click for me. I've been reading and practicing more of the rational recovery, dealing with my AV and etc. My sister used to call me Data, like from Star Trek, when I was a kid. I'm totally a numbers and logical type thinker. Anyway, that's what I'm doing.
Even though I haven't posted much everyone out here impresses me so much. So many of you have been through 10 x what I have and are so driven, motivated and disciplined in your recoveries. You're also so accepting and loving towards all those still in the beginning stages. Thank you to all of you who consistently and sincerely hope and strive for everyone's recovery.
Have an amazing, kick butt, and sober day.
Noam.