NicLin

Hi SR family,

Today is a bit of a struggle. I am getting sick (our tropical Miami got hit with a cold front hitting the 40's, which I know is nothing for northerners but had the streets littered with "frozen" iguanas, which started my day out pretty stressful and morbid) and mostly, I was just feeling OFF.

I became very stressed about a financial situation and it pulled my attention away from my work, I felt like I was spinning with anxiety. I couldn't seem to pull myself out of it. That, plus some challenges at work and my feeling worse and tired and not as sharp as usual had me bummed out. I went to meet my sponsor and another sponsee and we did this work from a book called Drop the Rock, which focuses on character defects. That was good to get me out of my head for a little. I then walked the Sir (my dog Bradley) and prepped my stuff for tomorrow and hung out with my sister. I get a little tense with my sister because she can hover and be intense sometimes, but she was not tonight, it was all me and my head. I even went to the store and picked up nighttime cold meds and then told my sponsor about it, and then got defensive and upset when she suggested that I take Tylenol instead.

I came to bed to do my night time stuff; gratitude list, meditation, log on here and I realize that I myself, have done this to me. There were plenty of times throughout my day that I could have stopped, taken a sacred breath and just surrendered. To God, my Higher Power, the Universe, anything other than me. Because when I try to control things, when I run on my own free will, when I make decisions, nothing good comes out of it. I have alcoholic thinking, I have admitted that I am powerless, but what I am failing to do is admit that I am powerless over my thinking in addition to my drinking. I must admit this every day, and I can see where I was not spiritually fit today:

Today I did NOT call 3 alcoholics, I did NOT hit my knees and REALLY pray for God to take the wheel, I did NOT stop when stressed or upset and pray for God to take over, I did NOT think to call my sponsor and I did NOT do enough of my program. I am understanding that this is a moment by moment reprieve for me, that I must surrender daily, every minute, every second if I want to stay sober. My ego snuck in the second I took control, and started feeding me thoughts of relapse, resentments and negative self talk. As my sponsor says, "The ego is a sneaky little ******."

I am in bed tonight, sober and not on cold meds, I was honest with her even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I was responsible at work, responsible for my dog, I showed up to meet my sponsor, I spent time with my sister and I wrote my gratitude list. I signed on here as I always do. I kept my routine, I did not change anything or give up because I was frustrated and sick and down on myself.

And most of all, I am beginning to see the patterns, where the sickness and insidiousness of my disease sneaks in on me when I am most vulnerable. I can look back and understand what I could have done better. And I will do better. I will continue to try my hardest, because this is the fight for my life and I will not ever give up on the best gift I have ever received...the gift of a sober life.