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Feeling Under the Weather in Both Physical and Emotional Sense



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Feeling Under the Weather in Both Physical and Emotional Sense

Old 01-22-2020, 08:54 PM
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Feeling Under the Weather in Both Physical and Emotional Sense

Hi SR family,

Today is a bit of a struggle. I am getting sick (our tropical Miami got hit with a cold front hitting the 40's, which I know is nothing for northerners but had the streets littered with "frozen" iguanas, which started my day out pretty stressful and morbid) and mostly, I was just feeling OFF.

I became very stressed about a financial situation and it pulled my attention away from my work, I felt like I was spinning with anxiety. I couldn't seem to pull myself out of it. That, plus some challenges at work and my feeling worse and tired and not as sharp as usual had me bummed out. I went to meet my sponsor and another sponsee and we did this work from a book called Drop the Rock, which focuses on character defects. That was good to get me out of my head for a little. I then walked the Sir (my dog Bradley) and prepped my stuff for tomorrow and hung out with my sister. I get a little tense with my sister because she can hover and be intense sometimes, but she was not tonight, it was all me and my head. I even went to the store and picked up nighttime cold meds and then told my sponsor about it, and then got defensive and upset when she suggested that I take Tylenol instead.

I came to bed to do my night time stuff; gratitude list, meditation, log on here and I realize that I myself, have done this to me. There were plenty of times throughout my day that I could have stopped, taken a sacred breath and just surrendered. To God, my Higher Power, the Universe, anything other than me. Because when I try to control things, when I run on my own free will, when I make decisions, nothing good comes out of it. I have alcoholic thinking, I have admitted that I am powerless, but what I am failing to do is admit that I am powerless over my thinking in addition to my drinking. I must admit this every day, and I can see where I was not spiritually fit today:

Today I did NOT call 3 alcoholics, I did NOT hit my knees and REALLY pray for God to take the wheel, I did NOT stop when stressed or upset and pray for God to take over, I did NOT think to call my sponsor and I did NOT do enough of my program. I am understanding that this is a moment by moment reprieve for me, that I must surrender daily, every minute, every second if I want to stay sober. My ego snuck in the second I took control, and started feeding me thoughts of relapse, resentments and negative self talk. As my sponsor says, "The ego is a sneaky little ******."

I am in bed tonight, sober and not on cold meds, I was honest with her even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I was responsible at work, responsible for my dog, I showed up to meet my sponsor, I spent time with my sister and I wrote my gratitude list. I signed on here as I always do. I kept my routine, I did not change anything or give up because I was frustrated and sick and down on myself.

And most of all, I am beginning to see the patterns, where the sickness and insidiousness of my disease sneaks in on me when I am most vulnerable. I can look back and understand what I could have done better. And I will do better. I will continue to try my hardest, because this is the fight for my life and I will not ever give up on the best gift I have ever received...the gift of a sober life.
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Old 01-22-2020, 10:44 PM
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Hi Niclin

I'm hearing ya 😉

I do that to myself some days too.

​​​Progress not perfection right ?

We are not saints.
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Old 01-22-2020, 11:47 PM
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I hope you feel better soon and that tomorrow is a better day for you NicLin

D
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Old 01-23-2020, 03:54 PM
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Great you are getting adept at recognising patterns. The iguana thing sounds disturbing. Sleep well NicLin.
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Old 01-23-2020, 05:11 PM
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Sorry you are feeling crappy. I read about the iguanas falling out of trees due to the cold. That would be strange to see.

Hope you can find some peace of mind.
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Old 01-23-2020, 06:15 PM
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Awesome post NicLin. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself. Days here and there can seem tilted and off to me. Just something not right. And it is usually because I don't take a minute and meditate and surrender, as you said. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
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Old 01-23-2020, 06:24 PM
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While I believe - from mostly my own experience - that managing anxiety, etc. gets easier with time and effort...there are some days that you just have to ride it out. And that's ok. I still occasionally have days that I just take a 'me' day and lay low...

I find in those times it's best to just whittle away things to first principles: you didn't drink. And some days that's plenty... and always the starting point.

You aren't alone.

Be proud that you faced the day and the challenges sober. Sometimes we're courageous even if we feel nothing but. Make sure to give yourself some credit for that. Try to turn that tunnel of anxiety train 180 - sure, there's lots of things you didn't do. But what about the things you DID do...

-B
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