Red......I am giving you the following link to some articles on how to help someone who is living in an abusive situation...….
These articles are all contained in the "stickies"....listed just above the threads on the front page of this forum.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...13326-how.html (How to ...)
I can sure relate to the feelings and frustrations that you must feel about your sister's situation and her handling of it....
Personally, I know how it makes you feel angry, and sympathetic and helpless and torn....all at the same time! You really are in a hard position and it is so hard to know what to do or not do...when this is sooo close to home.....
Of course I (we) don't know all of the specifics and dynamics of your sibling relationship with each other......but, I can share a bit of what has helped me when I have had girlfriends or relatives who have been with men that I strongly disapproved of---because I saw that they were not good for the ones that I loved.
One main thing.....when your loved one (family member or girlfriend) is sharing with you about how terrible the situation is.....try like *ell not to directly criticize the partner. This can be really hard to do....but, it is important. Better, I think to gauge all of your comments or observations or advice towards how your sister (and kids) may feel or suffer or be disadvantaged in the situations.
For example---"I can imagine how scared or worried you must feel"....Not---"He is such a jerk to treat you like that!!"...…
It seems that when you criticize the partner...the victim feels like it is a personal attack on her. (It is like she can ctiticize him, if she wants to, but resents anyone else doing the same". Her identity may still be very much attached to him.
Remember that personal attacks on him will probably feel like personal attacks on her. She may, then, hold onto secret resentments of you for doing so.....
LOL....I have seen this sooo many times, with my girlfriends who have broken up with a boyfriend...…..If they go back with the boyfriend, they remember every bad thing I said about the boyfriend. Best to just listen, and focus only on the girlfriend...…
You might, also, mention things that helped you to extricate yourself from similar situations....like, for example, what books you might have read, or what ways you reached out for help, yourself...like, maybe, going to alanon….
If she wants to endlessly ventilate to you, to the exclusion of talking about other things....you may need to find ways to establish some boundaries....
I can remember a girlfriend that had a (mostly) fantasy crush on this guy that I considered rather sketchy.....I finally had to say to her...."Melissa, I will talk to you about anything else in this world....except about this guy! I do n't like to talk about him, because I don't think he is good for you"
She is your sister, and I know how hard it is if she should land on your doorstep with her kids, again...and, it is likely to happen, because it sounds like it can be p retty horrible in her home...…..this is what I suggest---early on, help her work out a plan for what the goal is for her living with you , again.....
After all, living with you for a term SHOULD be a stepping stone to making positive improvements...and getting on her own feet...eventually....not just a free service motel for every time she decides to drop in.....
***I am not trying to sound cold hearted...because I do believe in supporting family and loved ones....just, in the best way to benefit them in the long run....
If she trusts you...you may be the very one to direct her to help---like alanon, or therapy, or a domestic violence organization, or government sponsored programs to help her with finances, and legal assistance, and housing, etc....
You have my empathy, because I know that this is not easy for you.....