My sister has gone back to her alcoholic abusive partner

Old 01-16-2020, 08:43 PM
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My sister has gone back to her alcoholic abusive partner

I wanted to ask if anyone knows or has experience of someone actually pulling themselves together to become a better person, not just alcohol free but fix their abusive behaviour?
I housed my sister and young neices the other week as my sisters partner, not the father of kids, lost the plot at her after bingeing for 4 days, my neices, 9 and 5 were in tears as they heard it all. She after 2 weeks has decided to go back to him with him promising counselling, addiction counselling, no drinking and going to church. He is abusive even when sober but never violent but I'm still worried for my neices to grow up in this environment.
Does anyone know of anyone where it worked out for the best and someone did change and how do I deal with this, I haven't replied to her since she told me she was going back as I'm so mad with her.
TIA
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Old 01-16-2020, 08:53 PM
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No, but I understand your frustration. My oldest daughter went back to her husband a few months after he beat her up. I was actually shocked because I always looked at her as a strong woman and smarter than that.

I know there is a difference between a daughter and a sister, but my advice to you would be to step back, but let her know that you still, and always will love her. As much as you might want to, don't read her the riot act or argue with her about it. Someday, she may decide to really leave the guy (my daughter finally has), and she will need to know she can talk to you and won't be afraid you will start in with the "I told you so."

Hugs to you.
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Old 01-16-2020, 09:27 PM
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Boy do I wanna read her the riot act lol she is a very strong outspoken and rather arrogant woman so I too am surprised she went back, however, I have been in these relationships so I do understand why people go back but I never had kids involved and I was completely isolated whereas this is different.

I certainly need to tread carefully in what I say as I don't want to lose contact with my neices..
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Old 01-17-2020, 12:18 AM
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Red, as hard as it will be, you just need to step way back and look the other way. The fact that your sister came to you with the kids shows that she did understand the harm and will possibly find refuge with you again, hopefully for the last time. These guys can be such sweet talkers.

The thing is, if you push, she'll push back. If it all blows up again, at least it won't be as much a blow to her pride if you haven't pushed your opinion on her.
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Old 01-17-2020, 12:29 AM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Red, as hard as it will be, you just need to step way back and look the other way. The fact that your sister came to you with the kids shows that she did understand the harm and will possibly find refuge with you again, hopefully for the last time. These guys can be such sweet talkers.

The thing is, if you push, she'll push back. If it all blows up again, at least it won't be as much a blow to her pride if you haven't pushed your opinion on her.
You are right about her pushing back. It's hard because I've been where she is, much worse too and my mum is a therapist so it's so hard for both of us to just let it go.. I had to buy clothes for her and the kids, feed them all for a week etc and my mum and dad chipped in to help, they don't live here, but now that she's gone back I feel a bit used..

I guess you are right that I can only be here to catch her when she falls..

Thanks for the advice feelinggreat..
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Old 01-17-2020, 07:27 AM
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Red......I am giving you the following link to some articles on how to help someone who is living in an abusive situation...….
These articles are all contained in the "stickies"....listed just above the threads on the front page of this forum.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...13326-how.html (How to ...)

I can sure relate to the feelings and frustrations that you must feel about your sister's situation and her handling of it....
Personally, I know how it makes you feel angry, and sympathetic and helpless and torn....all at the same time! You really are in a hard position and it is so hard to know what to do or not do...when this is sooo close to home.....

Of course I (we) don't know all of the specifics and dynamics of your sibling relationship with each other......but, I can share a bit of what has helped me when I have had girlfriends or relatives who have been with men that I strongly disapproved of---because I saw that they were not good for the ones that I loved.
One main thing.....when your loved one (family member or girlfriend) is sharing with you about how terrible the situation is.....try like *ell not to directly criticize the partner. This can be really hard to do....but, it is important. Better, I think to gauge all of your comments or observations or advice towards how your sister (and kids) may feel or suffer or be disadvantaged in the situations.
For example---"I can imagine how scared or worried you must feel"....Not---"He is such a jerk to treat you like that!!"...…
It seems that when you criticize the partner...the victim feels like it is a personal attack on her. (It is like she can ctiticize him, if she wants to, but resents anyone else doing the same". Her identity may still be very much attached to him.
Remember that personal attacks on him will probably feel like personal attacks on her. She may, then, hold onto secret resentments of you for doing so.....
LOL....I have seen this sooo many times, with my girlfriends who have broken up with a boyfriend...…..If they go back with the boyfriend, they remember every bad thing I said about the boyfriend. Best to just listen, and focus only on the girlfriend...…

You might, also, mention things that helped you to extricate yourself from similar situations....like, for example, what books you might have read, or what ways you reached out for help, yourself...like, maybe, going to alanon….

If she wants to endlessly ventilate to you, to the exclusion of talking about other things....you may need to find ways to establish some boundaries....
I can remember a girlfriend that had a (mostly) fantasy crush on this guy that I considered rather sketchy.....I finally had to say to her...."Melissa, I will talk to you about anything else in this world....except about this guy! I do n't like to talk about him, because I don't think he is good for you"

She is your sister, and I know how hard it is if she should land on your doorstep with her kids, again...and, it is likely to happen, because it sounds like it can be p retty horrible in her home...…..this is what I suggest---early on, help her work out a plan for what the goal is for her living with you , again.....
After all, living with you for a term SHOULD be a stepping stone to making positive improvements...and getting on her own feet...eventually....not just a free service motel for every time she decides to drop in.....
***I am not trying to sound cold hearted...because I do believe in supporting family and loved ones....just, in the best way to benefit them in the long run....
If she trusts you...you may be the very one to direct her to help---like alanon, or therapy, or a domestic violence organization, or government sponsored programs to help her with finances, and legal assistance, and housing, etc....

You have my empathy, because I know that this is not easy for you.....
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Old 01-17-2020, 11:04 AM
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You may not be able control your sister’s choices but you CAN be a safe space for her kids. Nothing is stopping you from being the cool/dorky aunt. With my nieces, I never asked them to “report” on their mom. But I kept track of their school events and their interests so I could have a conversation with them. We went on occasional day trips to the zoo and whatnot. Comments about my sister’s drug addict boyfriend were few and far between, but when they happened I made sure to hold myself back and not tear them apart for details. (Although I kept on the lookout for any signs of danger.) You may not be able to save your sister from her decisions, but you can be a resource for her children. The trick is to make very clear that you are not “competing” for their affection but that you just love them as they are.
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Old 01-18-2020, 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
You may not be able control your sister’s choices but you CAN be a safe space for her kids. Nothing is stopping you from being the cool/dorky aunt. With my nieces, I never asked them to “report” on their mom. But I kept track of their school events and their interests so I could have a conversation with them. We went on occasional day trips to the zoo and whatnot. Comments about my sister’s drug addict boyfriend were few and far between, but when they happened I made sure to hold myself back and not tear them apart for details. (Although I kept on the lookout for any signs of danger.) You may not be able to save your sister from her decisions, but you can be a resource for her children. The trick is to make very clear that you are not “competing” for their affection but that you just love them as they are.
DITTO all this.

Red78 so sorry you're going through this - push/pull - and feeling used - and very sorry for your nieces...they are lucky to have you.
Peace,
B
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