Hey Chococat...
Welcome to SR...
I had a coke relapse after 16 years clean ... so.. I can speak to it's siren call....
I couldn't get any handle on my addictions without the 12 step program as well...
I saw what my addiction looked like on the faces and bodies of those other people...
I listened to their stories... and I could see my life in what they were saying...
and I could see how it would end as well...
But.. I couldn't stop using until the pain of using was greater than the pain of not using.
How low was I willing to go..?
I had already crossed most of my own values and morals...
psych ward next..?
or would my body go first...
It's a really hard place... that place where we finally face where we're at.
Praying for loss of denial... and clarity of thought for you...