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Old 12-03-2005, 03:57 PM
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hi, I'm new

Hello all, I've been reading SR for a few weeks now but didn't have the courage to post until today. I really need to talk to people who can understand what I'm going through, so bear with me as my thoughts are somewhat scattered right now.

My name is Kate, I am 25 years old, and I am addicted to cocaine. It's been a problem for about a year now, and within the last 6 months I've dropped out of college, stopped talking to most of my friends, stopped seeing my therapist, and finally about 3 weeks ago resigned from my job. I've wanted to stop using for a long time now but was ashamed to talk to anyone because of the stigma...I thought I should be strong enough to get over it on my own. When I couldn't stop I just became more embarrassed and hid from everyone else even more. The day that I resigned from my job I hadn't slept in about 3 days...I'd been awake doing coke and drinking anything alcoholic I could find...the whole time I was completely miserable and knew I needed to do something drastic to get better. I ended up finally "coming clean" to my boyfriend (we live together) and my mom that day. My boy (who doesn't drink and has never taken drugs) was very supportive and joked that he would put a lock on the outside of our apartment if it would keep me from going out to score. My mom cried when I told her I had a drug problem but said she would do anything she could to help me. I ended up flying out to Phoenix to stay with her for 10 days. I wanted to get clean and I knew I couldn't do it in this city with all of my temptations around. When I left, the longest I'd gone without drugs in the last 6 months had been 3 days. I ended up sleeping for most of the first few days of my trip, and after that most of my time was spent reading, playing with my mom's two kittens, and eating...I ate so much that I gained 8 pounds in 10 days! I'd thought about trying to find an NA group but it didn't happen. When I flew back home unfortunately I started falling back into old habits again. I thought "wow, I've been sober for 10 days, I deserve to celebrate!" The first night I was back (Tuesday) I only had two beers. The second night (Wednesday) my boyfriend had to work and I decided to get drunk and clean the apartment. After a few drinks I was really craving some coke...I thought it was a good thing that I'd thrown everything out and deleted my dealer's # before I left...but of course ended up going through all my stuff just in case I missed anything...then I checked my phone and I *hadn't* deleted the D's #!! Of course I ended up scoring. I stayed up from Wednesday morning until Friday very early, when I finally passed out. My boy and I watched a movie Friday evening, but when he fell asleep I started up again. He left for work around 10 today. I'm so mad at myself for ruining my first sober stretch in forever. I feel like I have absolutely no discipline...I *know* how badly this **** makes me feel, and look how much of my life I've destroyed with this addiction, and yet I still haven't stopped?!

It was so hard for me to tell my boyfriend and my mother about my problem. I'm extremely grateful that they've been supportive, but I still haven't talked to them in detail at all...I feel like they can be sympathetic but they can never relate to what I'm going through. I need to talk to others who know what this is like. I've tried to get better by myself and I've failed. I hope that with support and encouragement I can get sober and stay that way. Thank you for this site and all of your words. Just reading them has given me the courage to ask for help - from complete strangers!

Thanks for reading all of this rambling
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Old 12-03-2005, 04:07 PM
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Hi Chococat,
Welcome to SR you will find lots of information and support here.

You have shown lots of courage, good for you. Admitting to youself and others you have a problem is a huge step!

Dont be so hard about the slip, I have been there myself and know how painful it is. You have to just get up and try again with new resolve.

Glad your here and hope to see you around more, just keep racking up those sober day and life will get better
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Old 12-03-2005, 04:47 PM
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Chococat...

I can relate. Cocaine became my life. Though I've always been a good addict in that I overused and abused anything I put into my body, cocaine was, for me, the worst. Today, I still have a hard time talking about it...it was that psychologically addictive for me.

I've been clean a little more than three years. I can only tell you what worked for me. Meetings. Sponsor. Steps. I could not have stayed away from it without a program. A rehab might help you - if you've never been to one, it's like a crash course in how not to use & most include a heavy regimine of meetings. I go mainly to AA now, just because I prefer that program in my area, so if you don't have a large number of NA meetings in your area, don't let it stop you. Just substitute "drugs" for "alcohol" in your mind when you hear the steps. That's assuming you want to go - but I can't tell you any other way to get clean and stay clean. I've tried the psychological approach, I've tried medicine and psychotropic drugs to change my mental make-up so that I wouldn't crave, I've tried diet and exercise, and I've tried straight religion. I've read a mountain of "power of positive thinking"-type self-help books. The twelve steps and the result of them fill the hole inside me that I tried to fill with coke & other drugs.

I don't know your boyfriend or your mother, but I will tell you that from my experience and hearing the experience of others, if they're supportive now and you have a desire now to make a change, it will only get harder if you wait. Whatever you've lost in this short period of time will seem little to what the disease will take from you the longer it goes on. It's not a matter of discipline, will power or self-control - it's a mental obsession to use coupled with a physical compulsion to use more and more that we deal with. Without help, it's too much for us. The good news is that you are not alone. Go to meetings, find a sponsor, and work the steps - and you'll find your freedom.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Old 12-03-2005, 05:19 PM
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Hey Chococat...

Welcome to SR...


I had a coke relapse after 16 years clean ... so.. I can speak to it's siren call....

I couldn't get any handle on my addictions without the 12 step program as well...

I saw what my addiction looked like on the faces and bodies of those other people...
I listened to their stories... and I could see my life in what they were saying...
and I could see how it would end as well...


But.. I couldn't stop using until the pain of using was greater than the pain of not using.
How low was I willing to go..?
I had already crossed most of my own values and morals...
psych ward next..?
or would my body go first...

It's a really hard place... that place where we finally face where we're at.

Praying for loss of denial... and clarity of thought for you...
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Old 12-03-2005, 05:34 PM
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Thumbs up

Welcome Chococat,

Hey Chococat, I would try NA or CA meetings, Here is a link to your area.
http://www.sfna.org/

I just moved from where you are and I can only say stay away from anything in the mission - PERIOD! Hit South City or Colma, and if you can get there San Mateo has some really good meetings, Burlingame (off El Camino) also really good NA meetings.

More info for the South Bay http://www.sjna.org/

The BEST meeting (According to ME) is the Los Gatos NA daily or the Sunday Meeting also in Los Gatos.

I wish you luck, this is a really big forst step, but does require more action. I hope you make the right decision.

Cheers,

~GB
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Old 12-03-2005, 07:34 PM
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Hello Chacocat.
Welcome to SR.
Thank you for sharing your story, I think you will find good support here.
Looking forward to getting to know you on our journey to recovery from addiction.
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