Hello all, I've been reading SR for a few weeks now but didn't have the courage to post until today. I really need to talk to people who can understand what I'm going through, so bear with me as my thoughts are somewhat scattered right now.
My name is Kate, I am 25 years old, and I am addicted to cocaine. It's been a problem for about a year now, and within the last 6 months I've dropped out of college, stopped talking to most of my friends, stopped seeing my therapist, and finally about 3 weeks ago resigned from my job. I've wanted to stop using for a long time now but was ashamed to talk to anyone because of the stigma...I thought I should be strong enough to get over it on my own. When I couldn't stop I just became more embarrassed and hid from everyone else even more. The day that I resigned from my job I hadn't slept in about 3 days...I'd been awake doing coke and drinking anything alcoholic I could find...the whole time I was completely miserable and knew I needed to do something drastic to get better. I ended up finally "coming clean" to my boyfriend (we live together) and my mom that day. My boy (who doesn't drink and has never taken drugs) was very supportive and joked that he would put a lock on the outside of our apartment if it would keep me from going out to score. My mom cried when I told her I had a drug problem but said she would do anything she could to help me. I ended up flying out to Phoenix to stay with her for 10 days. I wanted to get clean and I knew I couldn't do it in this city with all of my temptations around. When I left, the longest I'd gone without drugs in the last 6 months had been 3 days. I ended up sleeping for most of the first few days of my trip, and after that most of my time was spent reading, playing with my mom's two kittens, and eating...I ate so much that I gained 8 pounds in 10 days! I'd thought about trying to find an NA group but it didn't happen. When I flew back home unfortunately I started falling back into old habits again. I thought "wow, I've been sober for 10 days, I deserve to celebrate!" The first night I was back (Tuesday) I only had two beers. The second night (Wednesday) my boyfriend had to work and I decided to get drunk and clean the apartment. After a few drinks I was really craving some coke...I thought it was a good thing that I'd thrown everything out and deleted my dealer's # before I left...but of course ended up going through all my stuff just in case I missed anything...then I checked my phone and I *hadn't* deleted the D's #!! Of course I ended up scoring. I stayed up from Wednesday morning until Friday very early, when I finally passed out. My boy and I watched a movie Friday evening, but when he fell asleep I started up again. He left for work around 10 today. I'm so mad at myself for ruining my first sober stretch in forever. I feel like I have absolutely no discipline...I *know* how badly this **** makes me feel, and look how much of my life I've destroyed with this addiction, and yet I still haven't stopped?!
It was so hard for me to tell my boyfriend and my mother about my problem. I'm extremely grateful that they've been supportive, but I still haven't talked to them in detail at all...I feel like they can be sympathetic but they can never relate to what I'm going through. I need to talk to others who know what this is like. I've tried to get better by myself and I've failed. I hope that with support and encouragement I can get sober and stay that way. Thank you for this site and all of your words. Just reading them has given me the courage to ask for help - from complete strangers!
Thanks for reading all of this rambling
