The similarities between stories on here never ceases to amaze me. Your husband's tactics sound identical to my exes, and they were my kryptonite. He convinced me I was the crazy one; I was the selfish one; I would never make it without him.
Perhaps someone has already pointed this out, but just like addicts have a rock bottom, so do we. My rock bottom was when my ABXF started endangering our newborn child. Hurt himself? Fine. Make my life miserable? Whatever, I can handle it. Raise my child around his toxic BS? Now way, Jose.
My heart goes out to you, especially how devastated the idea of leaving seems to make you feel. I remember feeling that way. Truthfully, I was ready to leave when I was ready to leave. You will know when/if you're ready. One thing that can help you figure it all out is to stay focused on you.