Questions to ask yourself
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Questions to ask yourself
I’ve been reading old threads on here, jumping to old page numbers just reading and reading taking nuggets of advice with me as I struggle through my feelings.
User Tally in 2011 said this and I found it helpful. Maybe others will too.
“Ask yourself these questions.
What do you love about your husband as he is NOW?
Are you happy? I don't mean walking around every day with a big smile on your face...because that hardly ever happens...but just in general, in the pit of your stomach, are you happy and content?
Do you think he will change?
Are you in love with what he could be or what he once was?
What makes you feel as though this is all your worth? Why do you accept his behaviour?
If you can answer those questions honestly and be at peace with the answers, then stick with him. If you can't then you must try and make changes for yourself. Forget him and concentrate on you.
That could mean leaving him. That could mean staying with him but making a life for yourself that doesn't include him in it. It means whatever you want it to mean.”
What does it mean about myself that I feel guilty and have a pit in my stomach as I even read these questions. That’s not how I should feel, that’s all I know. Yet at the same time I wonder if I’m just over dramatizing things.
User Tally in 2011 said this and I found it helpful. Maybe others will too.
“Ask yourself these questions.
What do you love about your husband as he is NOW?
Are you happy? I don't mean walking around every day with a big smile on your face...because that hardly ever happens...but just in general, in the pit of your stomach, are you happy and content?
Do you think he will change?
Are you in love with what he could be or what he once was?
What makes you feel as though this is all your worth? Why do you accept his behaviour?
If you can answer those questions honestly and be at peace with the answers, then stick with him. If you can't then you must try and make changes for yourself. Forget him and concentrate on you.
That could mean leaving him. That could mean staying with him but making a life for yourself that doesn't include him in it. It means whatever you want it to mean.”
What does it mean about myself that I feel guilty and have a pit in my stomach as I even read these questions. That’s not how I should feel, that’s all I know. Yet at the same time I wonder if I’m just over dramatizing things.
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Am I happy? Maybe I’ll never be happy. That’s what AH says, that if I leave him and end up with someone else I’ll find something about them that I don’t like and be unhappy with them too. I feel like maybe he’s right about that. Which is not normal. Dang it in the real world I feel pretty well adjusted!!
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I don't know if this is technically gaslighting but, at the very least, it sounds very manipulative to me.
Telling you that you will always find something to be unhappy about is causing you to doubt your own feelings.
Your gut knows the truth, I hope you find your way to trusting your own self.
Telling you that you will always find something to be unhappy about is causing you to doubt your own feelings.
Your gut knows the truth, I hope you find your way to trusting your own self.
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FWN......remember that you were informed, over and over, that he would push ALL of your vunerable buttons.....and,he sure is. They always do....and, it is working if you are doubting yourself. He is deflecting the spotlight onto you....and he is sowing the seeds of doubt into you.....
It seems, that, given a choice, to believe what you know about yourself...and what he says about you....you choose to believe him. I think this is a sign that you have lost yourself, to a degree, in this relationship.....that your self esteem and self confidence has been worn down.....You trust him and what he says more than you trust yourself.....
It is interesting that my first husband told me the same thing...when I told him that I was seeing a lawyer and getting a divorce....he said..."That is ridiculous...I am very happy with this marriage"....."Nothing ever pleases you....you can never be happy with anything"....
Guess what?....he was wrong...wrong...wrong....
I was quite happy to leave the unhappiness in that marriage behind me....I felt like a caged bird flying free...…..
You see...I wanted to be happy....and, I knew it was never going come about with him.....(and my youngest was just out of diapers when this happened)…..
It seems, that, given a choice, to believe what you know about yourself...and what he says about you....you choose to believe him. I think this is a sign that you have lost yourself, to a degree, in this relationship.....that your self esteem and self confidence has been worn down.....You trust him and what he says more than you trust yourself.....
It is interesting that my first husband told me the same thing...when I told him that I was seeing a lawyer and getting a divorce....he said..."That is ridiculous...I am very happy with this marriage"....."Nothing ever pleases you....you can never be happy with anything"....
Guess what?....he was wrong...wrong...wrong....
I was quite happy to leave the unhappiness in that marriage behind me....I felt like a caged bird flying free...…..
You see...I wanted to be happy....and, I knew it was never going come about with him.....(and my youngest was just out of diapers when this happened)…..
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Funny you mention gas lighting. The entire reason I even found this forum is because I googled what gas lighting was because my therapist told me that's what he was doing to me and at the time I didn't know what it meant. And it led me here, before I realized he was even an A.
He for sure does this to me. And I know that logically.
I'm eager and scared at the same time to take my alone time away next week. Just because I know what being on the outside feels like, like I did over the summer. It felt good, free. Which is so, so sad. Because right now, in this moment, at home with my family with my kids playing (my AH is in the shower which is why I'm even on my comp, I don't like us looking at screens in front of our kids regularly), things feel just fine. Normal.
He for sure does this to me. And I know that logically.
I'm eager and scared at the same time to take my alone time away next week. Just because I know what being on the outside feels like, like I did over the summer. It felt good, free. Which is so, so sad. Because right now, in this moment, at home with my family with my kids playing (my AH is in the shower which is why I'm even on my comp, I don't like us looking at screens in front of our kids regularly), things feel just fine. Normal.
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And he can hear your lack of resolve in your voice- in fact, he says
things like this to hear your uncertainty and lack of confidence to
let himself know you are still where he likes you to be. Believing
his lies and that nothing has changed.
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-...3/medium-chill
things like this to hear your uncertainty and lack of confidence to
let himself know you are still where he likes you to be. Believing
his lies and that nothing has changed.
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-...3/medium-chill
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Possibly a really stupid question, but do you think the majority of married people can honestly answer these questions with positive answers? What is reasonable? I assume that these things that he is saying to me most people would say or not say it to them by their spouses.
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Originally Posted by mylifeismine 
And he can hear your lack of resolve in your voice- in fact, he says
things like this to hear your uncertainty and lack of confidence to
let himself know you are still where he likes you to be. Believing
his lies and that nothing has changed.
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-...3/medium-chill
things like this to hear your uncertainty and lack of confidence to
let himself know you are still where he likes you to be. Believing
his lies and that nothing has changed.
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-...3/medium-chill
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Originally Posted by fortworthnative
Am I happy? Maybe I’ll never be happy. That’s what AH says, that if I leave him and end up with someone else I’ll find something about them that I don’t like and be unhappy with them too. I feel like maybe he’s right about that. Which is not normal. Dang it in the real world I feel pretty well adjusted!!
“He tells me pretty regularly that even if he fixes this problem and stops drinking, that I will find something else about him that I don’t like.”
Translation: So why should he even try and you should just stay and accept his drinking.
You say it feels normal right now...does that have anything to do with the fact that he’s in the shower, so you know where he is, you don’t have to deal with him and he’s (probably) not drinking?
I had one more thought...you JUST had a baby. Biologically, all your instincts are screaming not to change anything because change might result in risk. It’s a survival of the species instinct...but sometimes what constitutes a possible risk isn’t all that accurate. I mean, you do leave the cave for groceries, right?
I’m a person who hates limbo. I hate uncertainty. I hate going back and forth in my own head...I just want to decide and get on with it.
But sometimes limbo is useful, especially if you stop trying to force a decision and just let it come to you, yes?
You’ll know when you know.
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Which is so, so sad. Because right now, in this moment, at home with my family with my kids playing (my AH is in the shower which is why I'm even on my comp, I don't like us looking at screens in front of our kids regularly), things feel just fine. Normal.
I guess the point I am trying to make is that you have learned to embrace the times he isn't drinking, and that seems normal to you, but it isn't. The home is still very dysfunctional.
Edit to add: Even when he isn't drinking, he is saying such inappropriate things to you...things to make you doubt yourself. This is classic gaslighting and is meant to make you feel all the doubts you are currently feeling. The addiction is hard at work even if he isn't drinking.
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Wow, you said some thing that hit the nail on the head that I have never thought of. I really only feel “normal “safe and secure when I am certain he is not drinking. When he is drinking it makes me so anxious and insecure and unsettled. And when he is out of my sight at home I start to feel uneasy wondering what he is doing. That certainly can’t be normal. I am always wondering if he is going to sneak something to drink.
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All of this to say, everyone is right. Time away will give me space and clarity to clear my head. Just seeing how it feels to be away, not having to think about things or worry about things or wonder what he is doing. Just like I did over the summer, this will be good. I have not told him yet I want to go alone, I am not going to make a big deal out of it I am just going to tell him that I need a break from everything. That way he won’t press in or think too much of it.
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FWN, you and I share so many of the same thoughts. Sick as it is, I had said before, sometimes I wish for some terrible event or action to allow me to feel confident making a change. Leaving is hard, especially when things really aren't "that bad". I look around and don't think many of my divorced friends seem any happier and sharing kids with an A certainly doesn't sound appealing. The difference with me is that my kids will be in college in just a couple of years so I feel like I can hang in there. All the options really seem to suck though.
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Me: you have no idea how much your drinking affects me
AH: yea, you’re crazy. Something is wrong with you.
he said this to me yesterday.
Sorry, I am out running errands because I’m throwing my son a birthday party here in a little bit and these conversations just keep popping into my head. I am just documenting them here, it helps me.
AH: yea, you’re crazy. Something is wrong with you.
he said this to me yesterday.
Sorry, I am out running errands because I’m throwing my son a birthday party here in a little bit and these conversations just keep popping into my head. I am just documenting them here, it helps me.
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Originally Posted by Nd819
FWN, you and I share so many of the same thoughts. Sick as it is, I had said before, sometimes I wish for some terrible event or action to allow me to feel confident making a change. Leaving is hard, especially when things really aren't "that bad". I look around and don't think many of my divorced friends seem any happier and sharing kids with an A certainly doesn't sound appealing. The difference with me is that my kids will be in college in just a couple of years so I feel like I can hang in there. All the options really seem to suck though.
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Originally Posted by fortworthnative
Me: you have no idea how much your drinking affects me
AH: yea, you’re crazy. Something is wrong with you .
AH: yea, you’re crazy. Something is wrong with you .
So the question becomes whether you can live with that and for how long.
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Originally Posted by fortworthnative
I know what being on the outside feels like, like I did over the summer.
He tells me pretty regularly that even if he fixes this problem and stops drinking, that I will find something else about him that I don’t like.
That is so insulting on a few levels and of course I have heard this before (right here at SR).
First of all, it shifts everything back to YOU, you are the one with the problem!. Not only are you the one with the problem, you are obviously too picky and just like to criticize.
This is where boundaries and knowing yourself kicks in. Are you likely to criticize? Are you always looking to nag about possible transgressions?
Now, whether you are are aren't has exactly ZERO to do with his alcoholism. It's just important to know yourself so you can work our for yourself if what is being said is true. This keeps you balanced.
It's important to keep a clear head and at all time ask, is this TRUE.
You cannot trust him to be speaking in your best interests here. He is speaking in the best interests of alcohol.
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