I’m just gonna say, I just scared the crap out of my sleeping dog by yelling, “EXACTLY!” at your posts.
Your AH has said, word for word VERBATIM, what mine said to be. “You’re crazy. Something is wrong with you.” My AH also went on to inform me that “grown adults drink all the time and no one has a problem with it”, and “you are literally the only person I know who hates alcohol.”
And every time he would act ‘normal’, ie not drinking, spending time with me and kiddo, I would think to myself - “this is our ‘real’ life, this is why I’m staying. If it can be like this, we can make it work.” And every time he drank I was completely devastated. Over and over again. Each time, I thought if I could just use the right words, at the right time, in exactly the right tone of voice, that he would “get it”. And he would give me just enough of a response to keep me trying, over and over again.
Now, we have been separated for five months. The first two months was complete agony and I cried more than I think I’ve ever cried in my life. But with that distance, I finally realized that no matter what I said to him, or how I said it, AH and I are on two completely different paths and we no longer want the same things. It is still breaking my heart to let myself really feel this and accept it; this is the man I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with. He is the father of my child. We became new parents together, we laughed together, and grieved together. I will always love him, and I think he will always love me.. but the life I thought we had together is done. No matter what kind of relationship we had in the past, we do not have it anymore.
That history is also what kept me second guessing myself when he would tell me I was crazy. Or that the problem was me. For YEARS, I was able to trust him and his assessments. We were a good team and worked together. So when his alcoholism really started to take hold it was very insidious. I still trusted him to give me sound feedback, with my best interests in mind, because he always had before. It was a long and painful process to realize I could no longer do that. It also took me a long time to realize it wasn’t necessarily malicious on his part - his brain chemistry has literally changed and he is no longer the person I married. As much as it hurts right now to say this, at this point he no longer has my best interests (or kiddo’s) in mind. It is up to me, and me alone, to look out for myself and kiddo.
I didn’t mean to write a book or hijack your post.. and I don’t mean to imply that your situation would be exactly like mine. But our situations have so closely mirrored each other’s that I wanted to share with you some of my experiences, from a few steps further down the road. Please, please know that I am here anytime and that you are NOT crazy. I am here rooting for you, girl
