That is a mindset that I’m really going to have to delve into. I can trace the secretive business back to my childhood. I had an emotionally, psychologically, and physically abusive upbringing and keeping stuff under wraps was self-protective. I left home, but the behavior stayed with me.

I don’t think my suddenly quitting is a coincidence. About a month ago I had an epiphany about myself and not ever wanting to inconvenience people. As a kid, I got the message that I was a burden (not just what was demonstrated but I was told this). I am an outgoing, charming, funny, caring, and sharp-tongued person who can stand up for myself. But I don’t like asking for help because I don’t like others to worry about me or force them to go out of their way.

Combined with my need to keep my insecurities to myself and it’s no wonder that I’ve been a closet drinker for so long. It’s not that I never drank with others or gotten drunk with them (I have, plenty). But I’ve never talked about my daily habit and need. It’s not just that it’s nobody’s business. Why would I want anyone else to worry about me?

Blech. I read the above and it feels lonelier than I realized.