Hello everyone. It’s been a while since I posted but continued reading the posts periodically. I hadn’t posted partly because I just checked out and also because I was ashamed of posting the same story again and again. It still amazes me how the stories of people in different places and walks of life appear to be so similar...the cycle, expectations, disappointments, anger, and sadness. I am still in between sadness and anger at the moment. I am holding on the anger because I need to. At least until my divorce is final and my AH moves out.

I have been working to accept things. I have been focusing on my own feelings rather than his. My mind and body are tired of carrying our problems and trying to soften the blow for him. It’s not sustainable. I am owning up to my own codependent issues that exacerbated our relationship issues. I am accepting my role in the demise of our marriage.

So here I am, months after I posted that I had filed. I am still here. But things ARE changing, though it’s just really tough right now. The 6-months of mandatory separation have come and gone. But it took a while for both of us to finally sign the final judgment paperwork. This delay was on both of us. He asked for time and I gave it to him. He wanted to take care of some medical stuff; he hasn’t done much though and I keep telling myself to be compassionate and let him handle the things he needs to. On the other hand, he’s had years. I have been asking him to take care of these things for years. I don’t/can’t think that trying to close this chapter of my life is me being mean or vindictive.

I feel guilty for pushing for divorce. I know that in my head, it was the best thing that I could do for myself and also for him. Then a month or so ago, AH acted surprised that the 6 months had even started. I was dumbfounded. I should have not been surprised but I was. What about the forms he’s been signing? What about the emails I have sent him with detailed information? I told him I can’t be responsible for his actions. To say that not taking responsibility for his actions and behaviors were some of my biggest issues is really an understatement. He admitted that this was a big issue in our relationship.

After months of me asking him to move out, he’s finally moving this weekend.

He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek yesterday and today. I let him. Even after coming to the difficult realization that I was just a convenient choice, someone who offered him stability, I still desperately want to think that he cared for me. In his own way, as much as an alcoholic can, loved me.

I have been reading a lot on covert narcissism. It’s been helpful to get some affirmation that maybe I am not crazy. I am working to build my self esteem back up. But it’s a journey. A long and difficult journey. I don’t trust to make my own decisions anymore. I don’t have the drive to get much done. I should feel better but I don’t. I still feel like I’m in the fog. But I know I deserve more. I know that I deserve better.

Long story long, I guess. I haven’t written anything in a while so the words just came out. Sorry for the long post. The update is that the final paperwork is being submitted by my attorney next week. I should be officially divorced in a couple of months. I told him yesterday and he didn’t say anything. I think he’s sad but knows that I am not dropping it anymore. I think he expected me to wait until he was ready. He’s still drinking.

I pray for a better year for all of us. Thank you for your support. Though I had stopped posting, I never stopped reading.